Nightmares

This morning I woke up feeling guilty and sick with embarrassment. Most mornings I awake to this feeling. I am desperate to rid myself of this terrible doom. My dreams are the cause of this horrible occurrence. The vivid images replay over in my mind throughout the morning. My subconscious is able to conjure up the most disturbing circumstances. For instance, my dreams last night consisted of witnessing a passenger train derailing off a bridge, followed by my imprisonment and failed attempt to escape. The feelings were very stressful and aggravating. My mother came to retrieve me from prison when I discovered money and a white powder under my cot. I tested the white powder to confirm that the substance was cocaine. My mother suggested we take it with us to attempt to sell it. All of this was disturbing and confusing.
In the last month I've dreamt of being kidnapped several times, that members of my family are enraged with me and that I am trying to cover up a murder that I have committed. I have dreamt that rats and other vermin are surrounding me and nipping at me. Rarely are my dreams neutral, pleasant, or difficult to recall. The feelings associated with these nightmares is so intense that is hard to forget or shake off. It often takes me hours or sometimes half of the day to overcome last night's dreams. During the night I am restless and unable to fully relax. I don't feel that sleep is restful or rejuvenating.

I have a website that I like to visit and attempt to make sense of these bizarre nightmares. (http://www.dreammoods.com/dreamdictionary/)

I will use last nights dream as an example of what I was able to find.

Train Wreck
"To see or dream that you are in a train wreck, suggests chaos. The path to your goals are not going according to the way you planned it out. You are lacking self-confidence and having doubt in your ability to reach your goals. "

Prison
"To dream that you are in prison, indicates that you are being censored in some area of your life. You feel that your creativity is being limited and that you are not allowed to express yourself."

It's difficult to understand why these dark illustrations are manifesting themselves through my dreams. Possibly prescription medication could be the cause, a deep rooted sense of guilt or frustration. Maybe I'm severely insecure or feeling vulnerable. I believe that dreams are not always a glimpse into the complexity of the psyche but simply a shadow of the waking life. Maybe I've watched a news program that was upsetting or grim. Maybe I witnessed something or was reminded of something during my waking life that triggered these dreams. At least part of the time, I am sure waking life association is the case. It's difficult to pinpoint exactly what could be the root cause of this nightly distress but it evokes an interest into what conclusions we can come to concerning our lives based on our dreams alone.

Separation Anxiety

As I have expressed in a previous post, I am determined to overcome my obsession with food and shed some extra weight. My husband was gracious enough to budget in a membership to our local YMCA. I don't want our money to go to waste and I wanted to prove to myself (and my husband) that I am serious about my fitness goals. So, although it had been a long and busy day I had scheduled in a short work-out before the gym day care closed. Now, my little angel is normally a very social, friendly and happy little girl. In the middle of my routine I quickly snuck a peek of my little sweetie through the window. Instantly, my heart was torn to pieces. There was a crowd of children and Saylor was getting lost in the mix. She needed a snuggle and was desperately following the caregiver around. I could see her mouthing "Mama, Mama". She wasn't crying yet but her face was red and worried. I watched for a few moments hoping she would be distracted by one of the many play stations. She returned to the gate where I dropped her off and began to cry. Needless to say I raced to her and scooped her up. I had never experienced this feeling before. She has always enjoyed the nursery at church and I was surprised that she was not having a good time. I realized it was too close to her bed time and she was not getting the attention she needed. I wanted to relieve her suffering as swiftly as possible.

I bravely returned this morning to attempt to finish my work-out that was cut short the night before. I had not anticipated that separation anxiety would be one of my fitness obstacles. I had heard about this sort of thing happening. I judged mothers for fussing over their children and letting their children take control over the situation. I thought that our health and well-being needed to be a priority. Happy families are a result of healthy moms, right? Once I felt that horrible feeling while watching my child in distress, I understood why other mother's reacted so desperately. The situation began to look similar this morning. Saylor was weary of my absence. I returned after thirty minutes and held her and reminded her that I would be back. I offered her one of her stuffed buddies and allowed her to cry for a few moments. If she was still upset after a set period of time I would call it a day and leave. I was relieved to see her several minutes later happily playing with two little girls. I was happy to see that she could relax and enjoy her time with the other children. It reassured me that she could trust me that I would indeed return. I was able complete my exercise and ended our outing with a dip in the pool.

My health is important to me. I am already feeling more relaxed, more motivated and more focused. I feel more patient and in tune with my family's needs. I am forming a routine and feel good about my commitment to my goals. I know that Saylor will also benefit from interacting with other children for a few hours a week. My commitment to her will always come first. This was one of our first experiences with separation anxiety and I know it will not be our last. As much as I want to lose weight and get in shape, I can not sacrifice the emotional needs of my child. Hopefully, Saylor and I can continue to build trust and we will both grow and learn together.

Victory

I celebrated a small victory this week. My landlord informed me that he would be providing a recycling bin for our apartment complex. Upon the first week of moving into the apartment I quickly realized that we only had access to a dumpster for waste disposal. After several years of research and commitment on/to the issue of recycling, it is one of my most devoted environmental causes. So, I resorted to collecting my recyclables and dropping them off once a week to a recycling facility seven miles away from my apartment. I had to remind my busy but helpful landlord a few times and after only two months of living in the apartment I have won my small battle. No more weekly visits to the recycling park!

After getting to know one of my neighbors I came to find out that she too has an interest in environmentally conscious living. When I informed her of the change she was excited that I had spoken up. My landlord was really the one who had done the foot work so I have to recognize his efforts. He relayed to me that the city of Mesa controls the waste management systems in our area. For small apartment complexes such as mine, a landlord has two options for trash receptacles. The first option is to simply have one shared dumpster that is emptied several times a week. The second option is to give each tenant one can for trash and one can for recycling. In our apartment complex that would result in sixteen different cans. We would be individually responsible for taking each can out on its designated collection day. With a small parking lot and surrounding area this simply would not be logical. I can understand why my landlord chose the dumpster. My landlord explained that in order to receive just one recycling can he would have apply and have special clearance from the city of Mesa. Yes, all that work for just one silly recycling bin. But, that silly little recycling bin will prevent almost 5,000 pounds of waste a year from entering a landfill (based on a three person household).

I admit, it has become somewhat of an obsession. I cringe every time I see someone toss a soda can or glass bottle into the trash. Unlike plastic, both aluminum and glass can endless be recycled. But, every time I see them tossed away I know that cycle has just ended. Sometimes it takes extra effort to ensure your families right to conserve. Sometimes it means hanging onto that bottle until you get home to dispose of it. Sometimes it means contacting local waste management operations to have recycling options available to you. The key is to understand why it is important and act upon your findings. I believe that small victories such as mine are proof that individual efforts do make a difference.