Friday, May 20, 2011

The Reality of Imperfection and Humanity

It hit me the other day while sifting through super cute blogs, that although blogging can be very therapeutic and fulfilling it can also be somewhat decieving. The reader is only exposed to what the blogger WANTS them to see. The material is only as honest as the blogger is willing to be. It also depends on the audience I suppose. I find myself censoring much of what I REALLY want to say because I'm afraid of who will read it. So I'd like to devote this post to the reality of MY life.
The majority of my time is spent unshowered, in my comfies (that I only wash when I can visibly see that they need to be washed), my face covered in zits, while sitting in my living room.
I've been attempting to potty train this little angel for almost a year now...
...and she still poops in her pants daily....
....I've threatened to spank her if she has an accident....
....chances are, if you walk into our house at any given moment...this is where you will find my daughter. I swore I would never be one of THOSE parents who stuck their kid in front of the TV all day....but I get pretty lazy, and this is easier.
...I've struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. I attempted to treat my symtoms with drugs and alcohol for roughly six years. I've pushed away painful emotions by eating compulsively and I fight it daily, I've gained 20lbs in a year. Yup....
...I leave my daughter alone maybe longer than I should.....
...after almost four years of sobriety my husband relapsed on perscription pain medication that I had been perscribed after having a miscarriage. Addiction is a part of our lives. It sucks, but when I look at it from an outside perspective I find myself cracking up about the whole thing.
..against medical adivce, I suggested he tough out withdrawls. I dragged him to yoga with me and sought the advice of a certified herbalist to help with the detox. It's amazing what you can get your husband to when he's in the dog house.
I can't afford to dress trendy or stock up on craft supplies. I don't have a beautiful photography talent and I've never ran a marathon. I yell at my kid and say words in her presence that two year-olds probably shouldn't hear. I procrastinate and I although I am passionate about lots of issues I rarely live up to my own advice.

Like most woman I like to be surrounded by beautiful things. It's nice to look at someone's slide show of goodies in their life but, sometimes it's hard to relate to perfection. I love the gospel and I know the church is true. My testimony is my lifeline. I don't expect Heavenly Father to solve my problems or make me happy...but he makes things bareable.

"...but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." -1 Corinthians 10:13

I have to work at my happiness. I have to work for good grades. I struggle to be patient and kind. I feed my child candy and processed foods on a regular basis. I judge others too quickly because I am insecure. I am imperfect, but there is a beautiful thing about imperfection; I need help. I am in need of healing.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficent for all me that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things becoem strong unto them." -Ether 12:27

I look back on the spiritual progress that I have made in my life and I can honestly attribute every step to the guidance of my Savior Jesus Christ. I approach each new phase of my life thinking "there is no why I can do this," and some how I make it through, stronger and wiser. I love my fellow bloggers. They are encouraging. They motivate me to become better. I am grateful for the stories that expose they person behind the blogger. I'm thankful to be a part of this community. It's helped me to develop my talents and helped me open up. I hope that others feel comfortable asking questions and sharing similiar experiences. I also hope I do not offend anyone, as that is not my intention. With that I'll pass....

5 comments:

  1. I love your honesty! I love this blog topic. My friend wrote on the topic the other day. check it out.

    http://kiwiandaneagle.blogspot.com/2011/04/blog-world-pressure.html

    I totally agree with you. Blogs are becoming another way for women to compare themselves with others. We don't need more ways to get down on ourselves. We are too hard on ourselves as it is. So it is nice when 'real' people blog about everyday things good or bad. I am sorry you guys are going through a rough spot. Just know we love you and are here for you! Miss you so much!

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  2. I get wrapped up into the blog world and compare my life to the lives of these other woman with all the wonderful things they have and their fanciful ways of talking about their kids, but you don't ever see the pictures of them yelling at their kids, the mess on the floors and them wearing sweats. I know that I do it! Lol But our family has to struggle with addiction more than the average family. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 19. I've been on and off meds since then and I have finally found the right combo for me that helps me get out of bed every day. It takes time to find what works, but it's worth it in the end. I wish you guys the best and you are all in my prayers. Love you guys and I am so proud of you Maddie Cakes. You have become such an amazing woman! I want to be like you when I grow up! Lol Love you!

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  3. Mom commented to me that you had wrote this post I purposely put off reading it cause I knew I would cry and wow here I am with tears running down my face. I can not only relate but had one of the hardest week as of yet being a new mom and being so hard on myself. I was thinking why can't I be like those others who have it all together, but that's the dirty little secret... no one does. We all try to pretend and show a pretty face. For me its on Sunday ( the only day I wear make up and curl/ straighten my hair) and I feel so stuck and frustrated. My point is that like in Ether 12:27 weak things can be made strong. I pray for that all the time because my Savior doesn't want me to come to him perfect he wants me the way I am now and in him I become perfected.
    I am so proud of my sister. Maddie I have always looked to you as an example and I always will. You ARE kind and patient and you have had to deal with so much in your life that you are as strong as they come. Please know that I love you and could not ask for a better sister. You are so talented and your writing helps so much that when I read I feel like I'm not alone. Your honesty is calming and brings peace to my heart. Thank you! I love you!

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  4. well i hope you find some scrap of happiness in idaho because it looks to me that you are absolutely miserable. maybe it's because you hate yourself. because you are failing at life and are depressed? maybe try being positive and actually happy instead of hating yourself and running away from your problems? running away will only make you feel worse. facing them head on will make you much stronger. also, i am APPALLED THAT YOU POSTED a photo of your husband at his lowest point. it is not his fault that he relapsed. you say that he had an addiction before. . what are you doing with a bottle of pain killers in the house? you should have known better than that! also, you should not have tried to use any natural remedies for withdrawal symptoms. that's a load of crap. if someone is having thoughts of using again, you get them help with a counselor at a rehab center ASAP instead of letting them relapse. you are weak. so his your husband. but you are supposed to be there for him in the darkest times of his life. you know this and just want to make it about yourself so you let him fuck up and play the victim. HE is the victim. you are just pathetic. and honey, jesus ain't gonna save you. you left your husband when he needed you the most. if you truly loved him, you would have been there by his side through it all. good riddance, i suppose. your husband will be much stronger from this whole experience and know that he's better off without a waste like you. shame on you.

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  5. "It's amazing what you can get your husband to when he's in the dog house." oh and that, proves that you never really loved him. you shouldn't think you can control somebody.

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