Back to Nature

My poor, dear little angel was so sick yesterday. She wasn't holding any food down and the only thing that seemed to be helping was the fresh air. So, it was perfect that the family planned a beautiful little nature walk this afternoon.

The design of the trails was very clever and had several of these fish view tanks along the way.

Saylor was very observant. Still recovering, she was not her normal bubbly-self. She quietly followed her older cousins along the trail. It was a beautiful day...perfect weather!

Emily and Brittanie...my two older sister and some of the best woman I know!

My sister's and I have not been altogether in about two years. The parade of strollers reminds us that we aren't little girls anymore. The time has come that we would always talk about as we were growing-up. The time when we would laugh about what kind of people we would be, how many kids we would have and what kind things we would be doing. Besides Brittany sticking to her dream of being a nurse, not much has turned out how we planned. Being together feels like home...especially in the beautiful trees of Idaho!

Saylor Mia...Oh, the joy this child brings to my life. Nothing has brought me more satisfaction than watching my dear little baby grow. Day by day, I see the development of her personality, her features and her compassion. It's not always easy, and I my biggest weakness is patience. But, I have learned so much about myself as a person by being her mother. She has changed me for the better..in many ways she has saved me. She is so fragile, so delicate. I would do anything for her. My heart ached for her this week. I would do anything to take away her suffering. Someone said to be recently that "women are saved in child birth." Meaning that a loving mother learns what so many people struggle with. The learn to give up themselves and devote their lives to someone else. Their WHOLE selves...body, mind and spirit.

I am truly amazed at the variety of pants, flowers and trees that Heavenly Father has created. I have come to appreciate the native planets in Arizona. They are very unique and beautiful in their own way. However, there is something special about the natural beauty of the Northwest. These lovely little flowers caught my eye and my picture does not do them justice.

I wanted to get a picture of these giant pinecones...Audrey then shoved Brennan out of the picture because, well...he didn't have a pinecone.

We concluded our outing with a picnic and a little surprise from baby Wesley. Poor guy had diarrhea all the way up his chest. The sickness has offically worked it's way around our entire family! I hope that was the last of it. I need to study up on some remedies for preventing these colds stomach sickness...maybe an upcoming post subject!

This Nature Center is located in Boise Idaho off of Myrtle on Park Blvd...It's free and there is plenty to see an do. The park right next to it is very large, green and full of squirrels. If you are in the area I highly recommend it!

I am dreaming

    I am dreaming each day, that I can find my way.
Peace in my heart. I am here now. Things won't always be this hard. I am dreaming of a day when I can make breakfast with my favorite music playing. On that day I will be healthy. Things will be pretty. I will tend a delicate garden. I will pick fresh fruit and breathe fresh air.
I am dreaming. My daughter will go to school in a classic little outfit. I will have brushed her hair and kissed her cheeks. I will not worry. I will send her away to a happy little place where she has fun and plays with friends. I will not worry. I will not fight with myself.
      My heart will be open. I will work everyday to be successful in love. I will wrap my arms around my husband and kiss him....and he will stay. He will hold me. Together we will pray for the safety of our love. I am dreaming of a day.  I will chat with friends and neighbors. We'll laugh and joke and sing. I will share my smile. I'm hopeful of these things. I am dreaming I am dreaming. I am dreaming.

Each day I get older. "The song I came to sing remains unsung to this day.
I have spent my days in stringing
and in unstringing my instrument."

   I am dreaming of the chance just to be free. I want those times, admiration and affection. Freedom from a pain that self-indulgence sows. I'll share my freedom with everyone who knows. In my dream I will surrender, to all things honest and true. Even if their painful, even if their new. Acknowledgement enlightens my heart. Bringing healing. Always kneeling. I am dreaming of a morning so bright. I'm getting closer each day. I will find my pleasantries. I will wash away.

Loosely Light Hearted

My biggest guilty pleasure. There is something so satisfying about McDonalds fries.

...."my scriptures"......

A lovely surprise for Saylor and I. Everytime we leave the house now she asks "where the rainbow go?"

..When she loved me.....

A family speciality...CARMEL CORN!! Normally traditional around Halloween...my mom has surprised us with more frequent batches throughout the year! One of the best gooey treats!

Complete peace. Much needed relaxation for my sweet angel in the safety of her Nana's care.

After creating this scrap card for a friend I stepped back realizing it looks strikingly familiar. My Grandma Stevens often wears brochs that look almost exactly like this. It made me laugh aloud.

This silly little pair made me laugh as well. Especially since we were on our way to Wal-mart...think how well they will fit in. I love the winter coat with flip flops.

The light of the road........

The innocence. Oh, the BEAUTY of innocence.

"Keep it to Yourself, It's My Life"

The response that I have received from my most recent posts have been less than supportive. I can honestly say that I have been caught off guard with the level of negativity and criticism that readers have expressed. One reader expressed that "I must not really love my husband because I left when he needed me the most." Comments have been made that it's wrong that I get paid for writting about my husbands suffering. I'd like to clarify that I have not recieved ANY money so far for blogging. The Adsense opportunity does not pay until you have accrued $100. I have earned roughly $30 in the year that I've been blogging. So the idea that money is my motive for blogging about my families problems is pretty damn silly.

As hurtful as some of these comments are they have also opened my mind to another perspective. I've had to make tough choices and maybe I made the wrong ones. I am not perfect. I have been under an emense amount of pressure. I have been scared. I've been concerned about my daughters welfare. Nothing has been finalized. Situations like this take time, prayer, and enough time for both parties to express their needs.

I have counciled with many different sources about my particular issue. The only person's opinion that I am concerned about is my Heavenly Father's. All I can do is pray and study and be sensitive to the promptings of his holy spirit. I've been grateful for all the feed back I've recieved because I know there are many elements to be considered. It's MOST helpful to hear from people who have been in this same situation. Outsiders who have NO experience with addiction and are to quick open their mouths are just plain ridiculous.

I do want to say that I LOVE my husband. I have struggled (like most wives) to succeed in my marriage. My husband and I came from unique backgrounds as an LDS couple. We have had unique challenges and have grown tremendously. I admire my husband for his humility and his unwavoring love for me. His sensitivity is remarkable. He is simply trying to do his best with the tools he has been given. We all have dark times in our lives but what matters is how we choose to handle them. By accessing the atonement of Jesus Christ we can face our futures with faith. We can be healed and restored through his grace. There is much WORK to be done in ALL of our hearts. Honesty to ourselves is critical for lasting happiness. Eventually white lies to ourselves dig a dark hole and we can't decipher between good and evil.

The LDS Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) has developed wonderful support groups for spouses and family members affected by addiction. I plan to attend meetings here in Idaho and strongly encourage anyone dealing with this issues to do the same.

(http://providentliving.org/content/list/0,11664,4177-1,00.html)

Luau Fundraiser

On our first night in Boise my mom took us to a luau fund raiser. The food was great and it was the first time that all of the cousins had been together in about two years.

Dinner was served and raffles to be won. There was also a cake walk that the kids could get enough of. We had enough kids with us too that the odds were in our favor to take home cake! Literally! We ended up wtih two plates of cookies!

The last few photo's are of the 2010 MEN...I love these boys..Wesley was born in February, Canon in March, and Baby James in August. I've always wanted a boy, but for now these little gentlemen will do! I absolutely adore these little sweeties.

Standing in line for the cake walk!!

The night was a success, for the kids and for the cause. Audrey won the limbo contest and Saylor won a first-aid kit from one of the raffles. It was a beautiful Spring evening and the perfect start to our adventure!

Goodbye Arizona

There are moments in our lives when we need to grab the essentials, throw them in the trunk and hit the road. Monday night was one of those moments in my life.

I left the Phoenix valley at 10pm on Monday night and drove for 15 straight hours to Boise, Idaho. I had my first experience with 5 hour energy shots. At one point I'm pretty sure I was hallucinating..everything had a green glow. The drive was brutal. Luckily at around 4am the sun came up and I had enjoyed the greenery of Northern Nevada and Southern Idaho.
I also enjoyed the beautiful, non-smog atmosphere.

The Avett Brothers, Bright Eyes, and Sufer Blood accompanied me on my southwest adventure along with my beautiful 2 year-old daughter, Saylor. She slept most of the way and when she wasn't sleeping she was carrying on conversations with her best friend, Jessie the cowgirl.

Seeing grass and trees always makes me feel at home. It was hard to leave Arizona, but the long drive was empowering and gave me time to really think.

At this point I had been driving about 11 hours. I felt like I was on crack or something...seriously!

When I was growing up my mom worked for a fast food resturant called Taco Time. It also feels like home. When I got into Twin Falls, Idaho I HAD TO stop and get some!

Saylor was just happy to be OUT of the car.

It was a long journey and there is even a longer road ahead. I'm now seperated from my husband, living with family. Looking for a job and possibly a permant home here in Idaho. I know not every woman has somewhere to run when push comes to shove. Thank Heavens that I am NOT one of THOSE women. I have a fantastic, loving, supportive family that has always been there for me. Hello IDAHO!