There's a party in my tummy!

Ugh! Here I go again. Planning a weight loss diet; dreading the idea of depriving myself of my one vice, FOOD. It's a horrible addiction because rather than ridding yourself of any association with the substance, you have to partake of it but in MODERATION. Like many people struggling with weight management, I eat because I'm bored; because I'm seeking to fill some emptiness, there's a party in my tummy, I'm emotional, it tastes good, I'm out of control!
(Deep breath.)


I have lost weight before. I have felt the benefits of self-mastery. I am FULLY AWARE of the contradiction that overeating is to the rest of my values. How did I let it get this far? How did I lose sight of my drive? I asked myself the same questions while struggling with other addictions.
After giving birth to my daughter I was full of motivation to better myself in every way possible. I wanted to find my true spirit again, I wanted to better my education, strengthen my relationships and be nothing short of a perfect example of what an honorable WOMAN is.

So here I am. Many of my goals are in active progress. I can feel the light of God in my life again; my years of education are steadily accumulating, I have an honest sense of confidence and I have formed some of the deepest relationships of my lifetime. Yet, I still fall short. (And hard due to excess weight.) I continue to struggle with indulgence. I can feel my appetite taking over, my mouth watering and my excitement growing as I approach a meal. If the food is in front of me, I will eat it. I literally do not have the will power to push it away even though I may be sickeningly full. Afterwards I feel disgusted and ashamed of myself. How could I have lost control again!? Why did I do this to myself?

So now I am asking, What can I do? What are the factors I CAN control? Is there hope for me? Will I ever be able to live a healthy life with nutritional boundaries?

I have to believe that there IS HOPE for me. I have encountered too many success stories to deny hope. We have all heard of those people who governed themselves and worked diligently to overcome their demons. I know that I will need to monitor myself. I do not want to devote all of my entries to my weight loss goals but will periodically record my progress along the way. I have recorded the details of my plan separately and privately. Hopefully, writing will be another tool I can rely on to overcome the challenges I face.

The Avett Brothers - Murder InThe City

Few mediums can adequately express the depth of my emotional reality. The Avett Brothers have a talent for putting to music my most intimate feelings. As if somebody is putting a microphone to my chest and magnifying the sounds of my desires, hope, fear, gratitude and all of my other passing moods. Music has the power to alter our environment or in rare cases to mirror it.

Heaven on Earth

About two years ago I was struggling with the idea of becoming active again in my faith. Deep down I knew what I needed to do to make things right in my life. Being full of pride and feeling ashamed I was reluctant to change my ways but could feel the love of my family around me. I knew they prayed and pleaded for my return to the gospel. A series of events and testimonies inspired me to make the hard but right choices.

One Sunday morning I awoke from a beautiful dream. I was on a frozen pond gliding along the ice. The images were serene and familiar. Being raised in Northern Idaho made this a pleasant reminder of fond childhood winter's. I held onto the peaceful feeling of the dream throughout the morning. My mother humbly approached me and asked if I would like to attend church with her today since she was speaking in Sacrament meeting. The courage in my mothers voice made it impossible for me to turn down her request.

As my mother eloquently spoke on the power of prayer she began to recall one of her own childhood experiences. She described a beautiful white winter day as she skated across Coeur 'd Alene Lake. Alone and pondering she thought to herself "I wonder if there is iceskating in Heaven." Having been blessed with the gift of inspiration from a young age my mother received on impression in her mind saying, "what do you think this is?"

She went onto tell of how she had spent years praying for the return of a wayward child and through her faith that child had returned home. My mother had not told me about the contents of her talk prior to her giving it in that Sacrament meeting and I had not revealed my dream.

The peace I was feeling was a meek attempt of the spirit to speak to my stubborn heart. My idea of Heaven is one that includes my family and all of the fondest memories we have made together. Our appreciation for God's creations including each other is what allows our 'homes to be a Heaven on Earth'. My mothers faith in Heavenly Father's power and the familiar imagery she used reminded me of the happiness that comes with being together. It reminded me that there is nothing that I want more than to be with my family for eternity.