Tuesday, July 27, 2010
There's a party in my tummy!
Ugh! Here I go again. Planning a weight loss diet; dreading the idea of depriving myself of my one vice, FOOD. It's a horrible addiction because rather than ridding yourself of any association with the substance, you have to partake of it but in MODERATION. Like many people struggling with weight management, I eat because I'm bored; because I'm seeking to fill some emptiness, there's a party in my tummy, I'm emotional, it tastes good, I'm out of control!
I have lost weight before. I have felt the benefits of self-mastery. I am FULLY AWARE of the contradiction that overeating is to the rest of my values. How did I let it get this far? How did I lose sight of my drive? I asked myself the same questions while struggling with other addictions.
After giving birth to my daughter I was full of motivation to better myself in every way possible. I wanted to find my true spirit again, I wanted to better my education, strengthen my relationships and be nothing short of a perfect example of what an honorable WOMAN is.
So here I am. Many of my goals are in active progress. I can feel the light of God in my life again; my years of education are steadily accumulating, I have an honest sense of confidence and I have formed some of the deepest relationships of my lifetime. Yet, I still fall short. (And hard due to excess weight.) I continue to struggle with indulgence. I can feel my appetite taking over, my mouth watering and my excitement growing as I approach a meal. If the food is in front of me, I will eat it. I literally do not have the will power to push it away even though I may be sickeningly full. Afterwards I feel disgusted and ashamed of myself. How could I have lost control again!? Why did I do this to myself?
So now I am asking, What can I do? What are the factors I CAN control? Is there hope for me? Will I ever be able to live a healthy life with nutritional boundaries?
I have to believe that there IS HOPE for me. I have encountered too many success stories to deny hope. We have all heard of those people who governed themselves and worked diligently to overcome their demons. I know that I will need to monitor myself. I do not want to devote all of my entries to my weight loss goals but will periodically record my progress along the way. I have recorded the details of my plan separately and privately. Hopefully, writing will be another tool I can rely on to overcome the challenges I face.