I am ashamed to admit it, but my faith was slightly shaken this week. I allowed myself to become bogged down in the mundane things of my life and neglected to see all of the blessings around me. I have always wanted the life that I am now creating. I wanted to be part of the gospel to have a loving husband and raise a family in a home of my own. As I am now doing those things I found myself questioning my motives. I became depressed thinking..."is this really what it's all about? Cooped up alone with a crazy toddler, cleaning, and reading?"
I then fell into another thought pattern that I often find myself in when I am bored or restless. I began day dreaming, which can be a dangerous thing. I caught myself reminiscent of old behaviors. I thought of my care-free days of partying, meeting new people and never knowing where the night was going to take me.
I was focused enough to still carry out the Sunday school answers; praying, reading my scriptures, paying my tithing, attending church, etc. As the week ended and money was exceptionally tight our family was blessed with nothing short of a miracle. In one day we received money from three separate sources, unexpectedly and completely randomly. We ended the week with over one hundred extra dollars.
I was quickly humbled by this experience and overcome with gratitude to my Heavenly Father. My faith and testimony were strengthend and I knew that my day dreams were wrong and careless. Although my life now is not a constant whirlwind of excitement it has more meaning. The love I feel from my committed husband, my savior and my precious child have eternal significance. My happiness is lasting and true rather than immediately gratifying. Living faithfully offers me the chance to grow and deepen my understanding of myself and divine principles. When we are exercising true faith we put our trust in God that he will provide a better future. When our past has been something dark and shameful it is certain that faith in our eternal Heavenly Father and savior Jesus Christ will have something brighter and more joyful than the spurts of excitement that sin had to offer.
Jeffery R. Holland of the Quorum of the twelve Apostles referenced the Biblical story of Lot's wife in a BYU devotional and said the following:
"Just what did Lot's wife do that was so wrong? As a student of history, I have thought about that and offer a partial answer. Apparently, what was wrong with Lot's wife was that she wasn't just looking back; in her heart she wanted to go back. It would appear that even before she was past the city limits, she was already missing what Sodom and Gomorrah had offered her. As Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles once said, such people know they should have their primary residence in Zion, but they still hope to keep a summer cottage in Babylon....
It is possible that Lot's wife looked back with resentment toward the Lord for what He was asking her to leave behind. We certainly know that Lamen and Lemuel were resentful when Lehi and his family were commanded to leave Jerusalem. So it isn't just that she looked back; she looked back longingly. In short, her attachment to the past outweighed her confidence in the future. That, apparently, was at least part of her sin."
After being so greatly blessed this week I am entering the new week with the mantra and council given by Christ in Luke 17:32 "Remember Lot's wife."
(The story of Lot's wife can be found in Genesis 19:1-26)