Sunday, June 5, 2011

A Country Girl From the Big City in a Small Town: Feeding the Wolves

Changes keep coming. Transition seems to be the endless stage of my life. In my heart are the beautiful rolling hills of the Palouse. I've been all over the West. I tried out Scottsdale, then Bend, Oregon, then back to the desert of Arizona and now I'm exploring the Southern farms of Idaho. Within these states I've moved too many times to keep track of. I've slept in queen beds, twin beds, on couches and floors. I've had legal residence in a handful of places and been a temporary house guest more times that I would have liked. I've ran away. I've been kicked out.
I've been invited in. I've traveled on foot, I've bummed a ride, I've driven away. I've traveled alone and I've had companions. Money has been earned and money has been spent. Few things have made it through the journey. It's funny how a new place makes you feel like a kid...wandering in a field or forest searching for something exciting and new. Although, even as a child you long for security. You long for a place to belong. A place to call home. I fear my own child is lacking this sense of home. I fear she won't possess the adaptability that I've acquired. I fear that her happiness will require her to obtain that quality.
The reality of it all though is that I am an adult. With the adventure comes the trials and the weakness to deal with all the changes. With the pressure of finding a job, starting school, finding a house, and all the other daily responsibilities I have found myself falling pray to compulsive behaviors that soothe my fears.
Yes, that's an Oreo covered donut with Oreo filling from Krispy Kreme. Any ounce of will power I may have had before this last week is now completely gone. I have been devouring everything in sight. I have eaten every bit of stress, pain, discomfort, anxiety, sadness, anger and disappointment that arises. And let me tell tasted phenomenal. Not that I'm proud of myself. I haven't been able to let go. I've fought to hang on to my problems. Trying to control the world around me. I am obviously completely unable to overcome my compulsions. I don't want them. I am trying desperately to figure out how to give my weakness to God. He is the only one. Not that I am giving up responsibility. I am still required to humble myself. Without this humility...there is no hope.

"An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, 'A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and pride. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside of every other person too.' The grandchildren thought about the story for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, 'Which wolf will win?' The old Grandpa replied, 'The one you feed.'"

Whether my feet are planted or I am running to freedom, the journey will not end. It will continue with each new sunrise. I choose which wolf to feed each morning. Most mornings I am ready to feed the joy-wolf. But then the self-pity-wolf sneaks up and lashes out at the other wolf. This battle is very real to me. I have long felt the tug of both sides.
Which wolf do you feed?
Where does it lead you?
When I feed the pride-wolf I am lost. I am irritable. I am unaware of the needs of other. I am unavailable and unable to help. The pride-wolf leads me to self-destruction. I indulge myself with immediate pleasures and regret my actions later.
When I feed the joyful-wolf, I am full of light. I am filled with clarity. I am confident in my choices. God's love and presence is near.
There is so much hope in my life right now. There is still a transition fact one of the biggest that I've ever been apart of. The wolves with continue to ravage my soul, but I am being handed so many tools to feed the truth-wolf. This hope comes in the form of sincere prayer asking God to remove these weaknesses. The hope has come from attending my first meeting in Idaho. I finally began my step one today. As in step one of tweleve. In all honesty I am a little scared and very curious about what is going to be revealed. My next tool will be the help of a sponsor. Timing is so key in all of this and although transition is constant..the time is now.

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