Monday Morning: Let Go and Let God

I'm fighting off that horrible desire to just lay in my bed ALL day. It's one of those days I have to pray for energy. Pray for motivation. When I start to move, when I brush my teeth and comb my hair it starts to unravel. All of the opportunities of the day unfold. Chores are a tedious task, but when I'm done I have a new home, a new view. Behaviors that need to be corrected, made right seem heavy, but there is hope and happiness with this new day. When I walk outside my door (even under the beating heat) I feel the power of the Earth wake me up, lift me up! Good Morning! It is a good morning. I can only hope for the strength to get through THIS day. I'm lingering on Step 3: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him."  Holding to my will and false sense of control of my life, I pray to turn it over to God. THIS morning brings that hope and promise that life will get eaiser as I learn to apply this principle. That is my focus, just for today.

Let Me Come Home

   I can't quite figure out how I became more at home in the desert than in the lush green forests of Idaho. Regardless, I have found myself back in the dusty, dry, sweltering desert of Mesa, Arizona. Starting over, one day at a time has not been easy. Each day brings a new challenge when addiction is part of your family. The beauty of 12-step programs though is that it renders other peoples behavior irrelevant to your own individual happiness. I have found another home among people facing challenges similar to my own. I am still a "new-comer" but I feel I have a good grasp on what is to come in the next days, weeks, and months ahead. I have found that prayer is a key factor in reaching my goals and receiving the help that is essential to my progress. Heartfelt expressions of gratitude, humility, faith, and repentance to a loving Heavenly Father open the pathways to endure our trials and overcome our weakness's.

       I feel so blessed to come back to my physical home and put all of my things back in their places and then find a quiet moment to read and reflect. Many people that struggling with addiction or compulsive behaviors have to juggle their recovery around work or school schedules. But here I am in the middle of Summer break with lots of spare time on my hands. I couldn't ask for a more ideal time to start/continue a program of spiritual healing and recovery.
   I also have to mention what an absolute joy being a mother is. Regardless of the everyday bumps of raising a two year-old, I am eternally gratefully for the chance to be a mommy. Ever since Saylor was born, if I was depressed or getting down on myself I could simply look at her and all my troubles would melt away. Even through all the recent struggles I have felt that as long as I have Saylor by my side, everything will be okay. Now, I know she won't always be right there by me and I can rely on her as a coping mechanism, but just that fact that she is a part of my life has eased my pain and lightened my load. I find so much satisfaction in teaching her and caring for her basic needs. She is my home. She is one of my main motivations to be happy and healthy. I know that she will follow my example and that freaks me out just a little (in a good way)! I am not perfect by any means. But Saylor (just like every other child) deserves to have an example of a woman who is trying to be a little better each day. One day at a time.

Idaho Family

This is a random collection of pictures from our adventures in Idaho

Ambree and Saylor at Settlers Park, Meridian, Idaho

Sweet Canon, AKA Bruce Bogtrotter

Wesley Roo

Zane and Wesley

Saylor doing cool tricks

Things got pretty wild after hours in Idaho when the adults played a little 8-card Golf

This pretty much sums up the essence of Lindsey. Sweet, beautiful, modest, well-mannered etc.

A rare moment when Saylor and Revery are being nice to one another

On the banks of the Boise River

Cassidy

Down by the river

Find the Trail

Old Penitentiary

Boise, Idaho

While hiking in Boise, Idaho, I enjoyed one of the most precious bonding experiences I've ever had with my two year-old daughter. Above a historic penitentiary is a steep winding trail over looking the Treasure Valley.

Exploring the natural world around me has always been one of my most beloved past times. As a parent my greatest joy is being the one to expose my child to the wonders of life. I watched as my child discovered something new with each little foot step and was very impressed with her endurance. She jogged along behind me, falling occasionally, but bouncing back just as quickly.

Occasionally she would loose the trail, wandering in tall grass, getting confused and tangled up. I would stand still and tell her to find the trail and keep going. She stayed determined without whining or complaining as she found the trail and continued on. I was filled with pride for my young daughter as she conquered the uneven path. It was her first hike so I didn't push her too hard. We climbed approximately a mile, passing lovely little flowers and greenery.

I was surprised when we stopped for water and my daughter was the one who sprung of the bench and said "I keep walking, mommy!" It was a remarkably pleasant event! I learned a little more about my daughter and about myself. My top five recommendations for anyone thinking of taking their toddler on a similar venture would be the following:

1.) Cover the knees:

the excitement of it all certainly adds to their already excessive clumsiness

2.) Point out the little things:

they'll be fascinated by the flowers, the rocks, the deer tracks, etc.

the details of nature can be like another universe to a child

3.) Make them work:

children now-a-days rarely have to endure a physically demanding activity

unless somebody requires it of them, don't be afraid to challenge your little trooper

it will make them a better person in the end

4.) Clap your hands say yeah!:

praise them for their hard work throughout the journey and at the end

clap your hands, shout for joy, cheer them on

help them understand what they have accomplished

you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar

5.) Come again:

not every outing will go smoothly, (duh) but if you make it a regular family activity

your children will look forward to these adventures and cherish the memories

for years to come!

A Country Girl From the Big City in a Small Town: Feeding the Wolves

Changes keep coming. Transition seems to be the endless stage of my life. In my heart are the beautiful rolling hills of the Palouse. I've been all over the West. I tried out Scottsdale, then Bend, Oregon, then back to the desert of Arizona and now I'm exploring the Southern farms of Idaho. Within these states I've moved too many times to keep track of. I've slept in queen beds, twin beds, on couches and floors. I've had legal residence in a handful of places and been a temporary house guest more times that I would have liked. I've ran away. I've been kicked out.

I've been invited in. I've traveled on foot, I've bummed a ride, I've driven away. I've traveled alone and I've had companions. Money has been earned and money has been spent. Few things have made it through the journey. It's funny how a new place makes you feel like a kid...wandering in a field or forest searching for something exciting and new. Although, even as a child you long for security. You long for a place to belong. A place to call home. I fear my own child is lacking this sense of home. I fear she won't possess the adaptability that I've acquired. I fear that her happiness will require her to obtain that quality.

The reality of it all though is that I am an adult. With the adventure comes the trials and the weakness to deal with all the changes. With the pressure of finding a job, starting school, finding a house, and all the other daily responsibilities I have found myself falling pray to compulsive behaviors that soothe my fears.

Yes, that's an Oreo covered donut with Oreo filling from Krispy Kreme. Any ounce of will power I may have had before this last week is now completely gone. I have been devouring everything in sight. I have eaten every bit of stress, pain, discomfort, anxiety, sadness, anger and disappointment that arises. And let me tell you...it tasted phenomenal. Not that I'm proud of myself. I haven't been able to let go. I've fought to hang on to my problems. Trying to control the world around me. I am obviously completely unable to overcome my compulsions. I don't want them. I am trying desperately to figure out how to give my weakness to God. He is the only one. Not that I am giving up responsibility. I am still required to humble myself. Without this humility...there is no hope.

"An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, 'A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and pride. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside of every other person too.' The grandchildren thought about the story for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, 'Which wolf will win?' The old Grandpa replied, 'The one you feed.'"

Whether my feet are planted or I am running to freedom, the journey will not end. It will continue with each new sunrise. I choose which wolf to feed each morning. Most mornings I am ready to feed the joy-wolf. But then the self-pity-wolf sneaks up and lashes out at the other wolf. This battle is very real to me. I have long felt the tug of both sides.

Which wolf do you feed?

Where does it lead you?

When I feed the pride-wolf I am lost. I am irritable. I am unaware of the needs of other. I am unavailable and unable to help. The pride-wolf leads me to self-destruction. I indulge myself with immediate pleasures and regret my actions later.

BUT...

When I feed the joyful-wolf, I am full of light. I am filled with clarity. I am confident in my choices. God's love and presence is near.

There is so much hope in my life right now. There is still a transition occurring..in fact one of the biggest that I've ever been apart of. The wolves with continue to ravage my soul, but I am being handed so many tools to feed the truth-wolf. This hope comes in the form of sincere prayer asking God to remove these weaknesses. The hope has come from attending my first meeting in Idaho. I finally began my step one today. As in step one of tweleve. In all honesty I am a little scared and very curious about what is going to be revealed. My next tool will be the help of a sponsor. Timing is so key in all of this and although transition is constant..the time is now.