Seeking God First: My Weight Loss Solution

For as long as I can remember I have used food to deal with my feelings and emotions. Now, after having my second child, my weight is becoming a serious issue. Mentally, physically and spiritually I feel "icky". Well, at least I did up until about three weeks ago. I decided enough is enough. I found the support I needed in what should have been the most obvious place: My Heavenly Father. I am trying my hardest to eat sensibly and exercise regularly, but for people like me that just isn't enough. I will fail and fail horribly every time I rely on self-will alone. I have to include my Higher Power in every aspect of my life if I wish to grow in that area. From the Sermon on the Mount, Christ command us,

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;

and all these things shall be added unto you."

Matthew 6:33

 

I pray each morning for the knowledge of God's will and the courage to carry that out. I pray specifically for the strength to resist the temptation to overeat and/or eat compulsively. Then I begin my day and do the best that I can do. I see how far my compulsion for food has gotten me. I've dug a very large hole and it will take time to get out. When I realize how much work needs to be done it is easy to get discouraged. So I just focus on today. I do the best that I can today. I have found that if I allow God's spirit to dwell with me continually, these challenges become manageable. The chaos and insanity of my eating disorder seem to subside.

 

As unpleasant feelings and situations arise I realize the importance of turning to my Creator for help rather than food. Food only provides a temporary numbing or tiny bit of pleasure. As I turn more frequently to the healing power of the atonement, my heart is softened. The whisperings of the Holy Ghost come more often to my mind. THEN, when I face food choices or need that extra push to keep exercising I am ready for God's aid.

 

 I've lost 12lbs since committing to my food plan three weeks ago. I've been using My Fitness Pal to keep track of my diet, exercise and progress. This site/app is really awesome! It's similar to Facebook except is all about health. Adding friends really helps to keep me motivated. I highly recommend it. I've written down a very specific food plan along with a list of "trigger foods". This is a list of foods that are completely off limits. Some items are obvious like donuts and soda. But others are personal just to me like cold cereal (I'm infamous for binging on cereal). I have found this to be really useful. I also started putting as much energy into actually exercising that I do reading about it on Pintrest and I've seen great results. HAHA!

 

Anyways, I hope some of you can identify with some of the topics in this post. It really helps to put yourself out there rather than isolate. I have big goals and high hopes! Good luck to others on the same journey!

Step One

Step 1 -
Main Principle: Honesty

My name is Maddie and I'm an alcoholic and drug addict.
I am a compulsive over eater and I am a co-dependent.

After much prayer and months of asking Heavenly Father to place the appropriate person in my path of recovery, (from overeating, co-dependency, drug addiction, alcoholism etc.) I was blessed to finally begin step work with a sponsor. Finding a sponsor is a very important part of recovery. This person acts as a support who can provide first hand experience in the recovery process. They provide a safe, confidential relationship as the guide an addict through the steps of recovery. I provide a link to the official Alcoholics Anonymous page regarding sponsorship because I am not the best source of information on the subject. I can on share my own experience so far with the program. Some might be comfortable admitting their short-comings to themselves and feel that is all is need to move forward. Experience shows that our sickness lies in our secrets. Coming clean to another human summons an attitude of honesty that is critical for the rest of recovery process.

Having completed my step one work I feel as though the curtains have been opened. I am looking out the window to a new world and way of living. It took a lot of digging into my past behaviors and my alcoholic way of thinking to fully admit to myself that I am full of faults and weaknesses. I am an alcoholic. Whether I am drinking or sober for 10 years I will always be an alcoholic. Admitting weakness or failure is never an easy thing. But complete honesty is vital if any recovery is to be found. On page 58 of the Big Book it states:

"Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves....They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average."

I know I still have a long journey ahead of me, but I feel like the worst is over. I've identified the problem. All that is left now is the solution.

A Record

I have never been very fond of reading. Mostly because I am a lazy person and reading requires effort to be entertained. During high school I would rather cheat before I'd take the time to read a book. However, as I have gotten older I have come to appreciate a good piece of writing. As I have developed my own writing skills I have really come to appreciate the incredible work and intelligence it takes to produce a decent piece of literature. I have found a love for the words that are right at my finger tips. I enjoy a simple-everyday novel, but I find myself diving into philosophical, spiritual and religious material head first. When I was younger, still living in my home town of Moscow, Idaho I fell in love with a guide to meditation by Ram Dass called "A Journey of Awakening". It discusses the ego and how to remove yourself from it. It teaches you how to witness your life rather than react to it. I was interested in the fact that he describes how he found the effects he sought with drugs; through living a spiritually guided life and that the effects were continuous rather than fleeting. That was the kind of life I wanted. I wanted to be "spiritually in-tune" and feel genuinely happy rather than artificially happy through substance abuse.  

Lately, I have been blown away by the unfolding of the Alcoholics Anonymous theory for spiritual living. It is a beautifully outlined program that skillfully solves an age-old problem without stepping on any ones toes (religiously speaking). It is easy to comprehend while provoking significant moral evaluation. Chances are you have been affected by  problem drinking in one form or another. "The Big Book" holds incredible insight into a revolutionary camaraderie which paved the way for legions of suffering alcoholics and their families. I've skipped around in this book and read random chapters, but this is the first time I have read it straight through. So far I'm about 50 pages in and I am astonished at the bitter truthfulness of these personal accounts of alcoholism. I am pacing myself because there is so much to take in and I like to take notes, but I will try to update on this topic.. (fingers-crossed).

"So we clean house with the family, 

asking each morning in meditation 

that our Creator show us the way of 

patience, tolerance, kindliness and love."

-pg. 83

Another genera of writing that has captivated me in the past week is lyrical poetry. My husband and I have been listening to Band of Horses for the past week and as I was writing this post I was listening to this song. I happened to look at the video and this is what I found. It just seemed so appropriate. I don't normally post other material, but I am willing to make an exception for this song!

"The Funeral"

I'm coming up only to hold you under
I'm coming up only to show you wrong
And to know you is hard; we wonder
To know you all wrong; we were.

Really too late to call,
So we wait for morning to wake you
That's all we got
to know me as hardly golden
Is to know me all wrong, they were.

At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral
Every occasion, once more, it's called the funeral
Every occasion, know I'm ready for the funeral
At every occasion, oh, one billion day funeral

I'm coming up only to show you down,
For I'm coming up only to show you wrong.

To the outside: the dead leaves, they're on the lawn
Before they died, had trees to hang their hope

And every occasion
I'll be ready for the funeral
And every occasion once more
It's called the funeral
And every occasion
Oh, I'm ready for the funeral
Every occasion
Of one billion day funeral 

(band of horses)

Wisdom is everywhere. The talent of stringing words along like pearls takes years of spilling them. Every, essay that I've developed, every talk I pondered, every blog post I constructed has helped me to understand. I now realized the amount of labor that goes into intelligent thought presented through written word.

Since the beginning of man, written communication has been prophesied to be of utmost importance in preserving our knowledge. So that those who live after us may not have to suffer as we have suffered. We have been instructed by prophets of old and in modern times to keep detailed record of our lives and experience to share with our posterity. The most influential writings often carry critical warnings and teachings. We we following these teachings and warnings are lives improve. Simple concepts.

Monday Morning: Let Go and Let God

I'm fighting off that horrible desire to just lay in my bed ALL day. It's one of those days I have to pray for energy. Pray for motivation. When I start to move, when I brush my teeth and comb my hair it starts to unravel. All of the opportunities of the day unfold. Chores are a tedious task, but when I'm done I have a new home, a new view. Behaviors that need to be corrected, made right seem heavy, but there is hope and happiness with this new day. When I walk outside my door (even under the beating heat) I feel the power of the Earth wake me up, lift me up! Good Morning! It is a good morning. I can only hope for the strength to get through THIS day. I'm lingering on Step 3: "Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him."  Holding to my will and false sense of control of my life, I pray to turn it over to God. THIS morning brings that hope and promise that life will get eaiser as I learn to apply this principle. That is my focus, just for today.

Let Me Come Home

   I can't quite figure out how I became more at home in the desert than in the lush green forests of Idaho. Regardless, I have found myself back in the dusty, dry, sweltering desert of Mesa, Arizona. Starting over, one day at a time has not been easy. Each day brings a new challenge when addiction is part of your family. The beauty of 12-step programs though is that it renders other peoples behavior irrelevant to your own individual happiness. I have found another home among people facing challenges similar to my own. I am still a "new-comer" but I feel I have a good grasp on what is to come in the next days, weeks, and months ahead. I have found that prayer is a key factor in reaching my goals and receiving the help that is essential to my progress. Heartfelt expressions of gratitude, humility, faith, and repentance to a loving Heavenly Father open the pathways to endure our trials and overcome our weakness's.

       I feel so blessed to come back to my physical home and put all of my things back in their places and then find a quiet moment to read and reflect. Many people that struggling with addiction or compulsive behaviors have to juggle their recovery around work or school schedules. But here I am in the middle of Summer break with lots of spare time on my hands. I couldn't ask for a more ideal time to start/continue a program of spiritual healing and recovery.
   I also have to mention what an absolute joy being a mother is. Regardless of the everyday bumps of raising a two year-old, I am eternally gratefully for the chance to be a mommy. Ever since Saylor was born, if I was depressed or getting down on myself I could simply look at her and all my troubles would melt away. Even through all the recent struggles I have felt that as long as I have Saylor by my side, everything will be okay. Now, I know she won't always be right there by me and I can rely on her as a coping mechanism, but just that fact that she is a part of my life has eased my pain and lightened my load. I find so much satisfaction in teaching her and caring for her basic needs. She is my home. She is one of my main motivations to be happy and healthy. I know that she will follow my example and that freaks me out just a little (in a good way)! I am not perfect by any means. But Saylor (just like every other child) deserves to have an example of a woman who is trying to be a little better each day. One day at a time.

A Country Girl From the Big City in a Small Town: Feeding the Wolves

Changes keep coming. Transition seems to be the endless stage of my life. In my heart are the beautiful rolling hills of the Palouse. I've been all over the West. I tried out Scottsdale, then Bend, Oregon, then back to the desert of Arizona and now I'm exploring the Southern farms of Idaho. Within these states I've moved too many times to keep track of. I've slept in queen beds, twin beds, on couches and floors. I've had legal residence in a handful of places and been a temporary house guest more times that I would have liked. I've ran away. I've been kicked out.

I've been invited in. I've traveled on foot, I've bummed a ride, I've driven away. I've traveled alone and I've had companions. Money has been earned and money has been spent. Few things have made it through the journey. It's funny how a new place makes you feel like a kid...wandering in a field or forest searching for something exciting and new. Although, even as a child you long for security. You long for a place to belong. A place to call home. I fear my own child is lacking this sense of home. I fear she won't possess the adaptability that I've acquired. I fear that her happiness will require her to obtain that quality.

The reality of it all though is that I am an adult. With the adventure comes the trials and the weakness to deal with all the changes. With the pressure of finding a job, starting school, finding a house, and all the other daily responsibilities I have found myself falling pray to compulsive behaviors that soothe my fears.

Yes, that's an Oreo covered donut with Oreo filling from Krispy Kreme. Any ounce of will power I may have had before this last week is now completely gone. I have been devouring everything in sight. I have eaten every bit of stress, pain, discomfort, anxiety, sadness, anger and disappointment that arises. And let me tell you...it tasted phenomenal. Not that I'm proud of myself. I haven't been able to let go. I've fought to hang on to my problems. Trying to control the world around me. I am obviously completely unable to overcome my compulsions. I don't want them. I am trying desperately to figure out how to give my weakness to God. He is the only one. Not that I am giving up responsibility. I am still required to humble myself. Without this humility...there is no hope.

"An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, 'A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and pride. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside of every other person too.' The grandchildren thought about the story for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, 'Which wolf will win?' The old Grandpa replied, 'The one you feed.'"

Whether my feet are planted or I am running to freedom, the journey will not end. It will continue with each new sunrise. I choose which wolf to feed each morning. Most mornings I am ready to feed the joy-wolf. But then the self-pity-wolf sneaks up and lashes out at the other wolf. This battle is very real to me. I have long felt the tug of both sides.

Which wolf do you feed?

Where does it lead you?

When I feed the pride-wolf I am lost. I am irritable. I am unaware of the needs of other. I am unavailable and unable to help. The pride-wolf leads me to self-destruction. I indulge myself with immediate pleasures and regret my actions later.

BUT...

When I feed the joyful-wolf, I am full of light. I am filled with clarity. I am confident in my choices. God's love and presence is near.

There is so much hope in my life right now. There is still a transition occurring..in fact one of the biggest that I've ever been apart of. The wolves with continue to ravage my soul, but I am being handed so many tools to feed the truth-wolf. This hope comes in the form of sincere prayer asking God to remove these weaknesses. The hope has come from attending my first meeting in Idaho. I finally began my step one today. As in step one of tweleve. In all honesty I am a little scared and very curious about what is going to be revealed. My next tool will be the help of a sponsor. Timing is so key in all of this and although transition is constant..the time is now.