Flashing Streets

 

 Flooring mouths towards Heavens change,

a mindless mess in gray short range.

Chance the spray of teasing, talk

evil chatter, past her balk

 Deep in a high, low-maintenance mansion,

leg work and passion; a game of her own shame

and someone to crash on.

Forward placement on the rinds too long,

alone in bags she sees her song.

Late to see the bleed in deed, a man in need,

of harsh concern who can hardly breath.

Melodies don’t ring, but hollow pen work sings

in men’s rooms dreams of sexy girls on glowing screens.

Golden scenes and blank board chalk-powder screams.

Policing pain, please print your name, an open heart is still a stain,

the wash won’t work for the monetary gain, one still remains, dents the frame half price morning, She was sold in vain.

  His seat more dusty and weak, looking back he sees the reasons she dropped her keys,

but doesn't feel the breeze of breaking knees.

Red, yellow, green somewhere between, he knew the feeling of flashing streets,

the lights repeat and light up the peaks. 

She’s praying under a leaky ceiling, with best intentions while she’s kneeling,

caught in the red room with the plaster peeling. that small room, lost, no more appealing,

There's no more hope, she's lost all feeling.

This Just Got Real

Life is amazing. Every day I am in awe. I've been up and down a lot lately. I've been fighting this battle with myself. However, when I let God take over, life is a bowl of cherries! I've been hitting the gym and I'm down 19 LBS. I always have this voice in the back of my head that says, "I'll be happy when I'm skinny." But I'm here to say that I'm happy today! I've accomplished so much with my Heavenly Father help. I have so much to be grateful for. I'm just lucky to be alive.

I ran my first 5k several weeks ago at the St. Lukes Women's Celebration. This was a HUGE accomplishment for me. I never thought I would do something like this. It was such a blast. I ran with my sisters which made it even better. It gave me so much confidence. I'm not perfect and I stumble sometimes. Sometimes it's really hard to get back up. But God always makes up the difference if I let him. Little miracles keep popping up everyday. I'm the happiest when I notice them! I'm happy for the perspective I've gained as a result of spiritual experiences. I feel like a more useful mother. I'm ready for those hard questions. Like this morning when Saylor saw me on the scale and wanted to take a turn. She stood on the scale and asked, "what does it say, Mommy?" I happily replied, "it says your healthy, baby!" That's all that really matters. That we are healthy in our minds, in our souls and in our hearts...if it is in our power to have healthy bodies than we are extremely blessed.

On October 27th I'll be running my second 5k. THE COLOR RUN! I'm so excited. It's gonna be epic. Check it out!

Seeking God First: My Weight Loss Solution

For as long as I can remember I have used food to deal with my feelings and emotions. Now, after having my second child, my weight is becoming a serious issue. Mentally, physically and spiritually I feel "icky". Well, at least I did up until about three weeks ago. I decided enough is enough. I found the support I needed in what should have been the most obvious place: My Heavenly Father. I am trying my hardest to eat sensibly and exercise regularly, but for people like me that just isn't enough. I will fail and fail horribly every time I rely on self-will alone. I have to include my Higher Power in every aspect of my life if I wish to grow in that area. From the Sermon on the Mount, Christ command us,

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;

and all these things shall be added unto you."

Matthew 6:33

 

I pray each morning for the knowledge of God's will and the courage to carry that out. I pray specifically for the strength to resist the temptation to overeat and/or eat compulsively. Then I begin my day and do the best that I can do. I see how far my compulsion for food has gotten me. I've dug a very large hole and it will take time to get out. When I realize how much work needs to be done it is easy to get discouraged. So I just focus on today. I do the best that I can today. I have found that if I allow God's spirit to dwell with me continually, these challenges become manageable. The chaos and insanity of my eating disorder seem to subside.

 

As unpleasant feelings and situations arise I realize the importance of turning to my Creator for help rather than food. Food only provides a temporary numbing or tiny bit of pleasure. As I turn more frequently to the healing power of the atonement, my heart is softened. The whisperings of the Holy Ghost come more often to my mind. THEN, when I face food choices or need that extra push to keep exercising I am ready for God's aid.

 

 I've lost 12lbs since committing to my food plan three weeks ago. I've been using My Fitness Pal to keep track of my diet, exercise and progress. This site/app is really awesome! It's similar to Facebook except is all about health. Adding friends really helps to keep me motivated. I highly recommend it. I've written down a very specific food plan along with a list of "trigger foods". This is a list of foods that are completely off limits. Some items are obvious like donuts and soda. But others are personal just to me like cold cereal (I'm infamous for binging on cereal). I have found this to be really useful. I also started putting as much energy into actually exercising that I do reading about it on Pintrest and I've seen great results. HAHA!

 

Anyways, I hope some of you can identify with some of the topics in this post. It really helps to put yourself out there rather than isolate. I have big goals and high hopes! Good luck to others on the same journey!

Step One

Step 1 -
Main Principle: Honesty

My name is Maddie and I'm an alcoholic and drug addict.
I am a compulsive over eater and I am a co-dependent.

After much prayer and months of asking Heavenly Father to place the appropriate person in my path of recovery, (from overeating, co-dependency, drug addiction, alcoholism etc.) I was blessed to finally begin step work with a sponsor. Finding a sponsor is a very important part of recovery. This person acts as a support who can provide first hand experience in the recovery process. They provide a safe, confidential relationship as the guide an addict through the steps of recovery. I provide a link to the official Alcoholics Anonymous page regarding sponsorship because I am not the best source of information on the subject. I can on share my own experience so far with the program. Some might be comfortable admitting their short-comings to themselves and feel that is all is need to move forward. Experience shows that our sickness lies in our secrets. Coming clean to another human summons an attitude of honesty that is critical for the rest of recovery process.

Having completed my step one work I feel as though the curtains have been opened. I am looking out the window to a new world and way of living. It took a lot of digging into my past behaviors and my alcoholic way of thinking to fully admit to myself that I am full of faults and weaknesses. I am an alcoholic. Whether I am drinking or sober for 10 years I will always be an alcoholic. Admitting weakness or failure is never an easy thing. But complete honesty is vital if any recovery is to be found. On page 58 of the Big Book it states:

"Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves....They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average."

I know I still have a long journey ahead of me, but I feel like the worst is over. I've identified the problem. All that is left now is the solution.

A Record

I have never been very fond of reading. Mostly because I am a lazy person and reading requires effort to be entertained. During high school I would rather cheat before I'd take the time to read a book. However, as I have gotten older I have come to appreciate a good piece of writing. As I have developed my own writing skills I have really come to appreciate the incredible work and intelligence it takes to produce a decent piece of literature. I have found a love for the words that are right at my finger tips. I enjoy a simple-everyday novel, but I find myself diving into philosophical, spiritual and religious material head first. When I was younger, still living in my home town of Moscow, Idaho I fell in love with a guide to meditation by Ram Dass called "A Journey of Awakening". It discusses the ego and how to remove yourself from it. It teaches you how to witness your life rather than react to it. I was interested in the fact that he describes how he found the effects he sought with drugs; through living a spiritually guided life and that the effects were continuous rather than fleeting. That was the kind of life I wanted. I wanted to be "spiritually in-tune" and feel genuinely happy rather than artificially happy through substance abuse.  

Lately, I have been blown away by the unfolding of the Alcoholics Anonymous theory for spiritual living. It is a beautifully outlined program that skillfully solves an age-old problem without stepping on any ones toes (religiously speaking). It is easy to comprehend while provoking significant moral evaluation. Chances are you have been affected by  problem drinking in one form or another. "The Big Book" holds incredible insight into a revolutionary camaraderie which paved the way for legions of suffering alcoholics and their families. I've skipped around in this book and read random chapters, but this is the first time I have read it straight through. So far I'm about 50 pages in and I am astonished at the bitter truthfulness of these personal accounts of alcoholism. I am pacing myself because there is so much to take in and I like to take notes, but I will try to update on this topic.. (fingers-crossed).

"So we clean house with the family, 

asking each morning in meditation 

that our Creator show us the way of 

patience, tolerance, kindliness and love."

-pg. 83

Another genera of writing that has captivated me in the past week is lyrical poetry. My husband and I have been listening to Band of Horses for the past week and as I was writing this post I was listening to this song. I happened to look at the video and this is what I found. It just seemed so appropriate. I don't normally post other material, but I am willing to make an exception for this song!

"The Funeral"

I'm coming up only to hold you under
I'm coming up only to show you wrong
And to know you is hard; we wonder
To know you all wrong; we were.

Really too late to call,
So we wait for morning to wake you
That's all we got
to know me as hardly golden
Is to know me all wrong, they were.

At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral
Every occasion, once more, it's called the funeral
Every occasion, know I'm ready for the funeral
At every occasion, oh, one billion day funeral

I'm coming up only to show you down,
For I'm coming up only to show you wrong.

To the outside: the dead leaves, they're on the lawn
Before they died, had trees to hang their hope

And every occasion
I'll be ready for the funeral
And every occasion once more
It's called the funeral
And every occasion
Oh, I'm ready for the funeral
Every occasion
Of one billion day funeral 

(band of horses)

Wisdom is everywhere. The talent of stringing words along like pearls takes years of spilling them. Every, essay that I've developed, every talk I pondered, every blog post I constructed has helped me to understand. I now realized the amount of labor that goes into intelligent thought presented through written word.

Since the beginning of man, written communication has been prophesied to be of utmost importance in preserving our knowledge. So that those who live after us may not have to suffer as we have suffered. We have been instructed by prophets of old and in modern times to keep detailed record of our lives and experience to share with our posterity. The most influential writings often carry critical warnings and teachings. We we following these teachings and warnings are lives improve. Simple concepts.

Let Me Come Home

   I can't quite figure out how I became more at home in the desert than in the lush green forests of Idaho. Regardless, I have found myself back in the dusty, dry, sweltering desert of Mesa, Arizona. Starting over, one day at a time has not been easy. Each day brings a new challenge when addiction is part of your family. The beauty of 12-step programs though is that it renders other peoples behavior irrelevant to your own individual happiness. I have found another home among people facing challenges similar to my own. I am still a "new-comer" but I feel I have a good grasp on what is to come in the next days, weeks, and months ahead. I have found that prayer is a key factor in reaching my goals and receiving the help that is essential to my progress. Heartfelt expressions of gratitude, humility, faith, and repentance to a loving Heavenly Father open the pathways to endure our trials and overcome our weakness's.

       I feel so blessed to come back to my physical home and put all of my things back in their places and then find a quiet moment to read and reflect. Many people that struggling with addiction or compulsive behaviors have to juggle their recovery around work or school schedules. But here I am in the middle of Summer break with lots of spare time on my hands. I couldn't ask for a more ideal time to start/continue a program of spiritual healing and recovery.
   I also have to mention what an absolute joy being a mother is. Regardless of the everyday bumps of raising a two year-old, I am eternally gratefully for the chance to be a mommy. Ever since Saylor was born, if I was depressed or getting down on myself I could simply look at her and all my troubles would melt away. Even through all the recent struggles I have felt that as long as I have Saylor by my side, everything will be okay. Now, I know she won't always be right there by me and I can rely on her as a coping mechanism, but just that fact that she is a part of my life has eased my pain and lightened my load. I find so much satisfaction in teaching her and caring for her basic needs. She is my home. She is one of my main motivations to be happy and healthy. I know that she will follow my example and that freaks me out just a little (in a good way)! I am not perfect by any means. But Saylor (just like every other child) deserves to have an example of a woman who is trying to be a little better each day. One day at a time.

"Keep it to Yourself, It's My Life"

The response that I have received from my most recent posts have been less than supportive. I can honestly say that I have been caught off guard with the level of negativity and criticism that readers have expressed. One reader expressed that "I must not really love my husband because I left when he needed me the most." Comments have been made that it's wrong that I get paid for writting about my husbands suffering. I'd like to clarify that I have not recieved ANY money so far for blogging. The Adsense opportunity does not pay until you have accrued $100. I have earned roughly $30 in the year that I've been blogging. So the idea that money is my motive for blogging about my families problems is pretty damn silly.

As hurtful as some of these comments are they have also opened my mind to another perspective. I've had to make tough choices and maybe I made the wrong ones. I am not perfect. I have been under an emense amount of pressure. I have been scared. I've been concerned about my daughters welfare. Nothing has been finalized. Situations like this take time, prayer, and enough time for both parties to express their needs.

I have counciled with many different sources about my particular issue. The only person's opinion that I am concerned about is my Heavenly Father's. All I can do is pray and study and be sensitive to the promptings of his holy spirit. I've been grateful for all the feed back I've recieved because I know there are many elements to be considered. It's MOST helpful to hear from people who have been in this same situation. Outsiders who have NO experience with addiction and are to quick open their mouths are just plain ridiculous.

I do want to say that I LOVE my husband. I have struggled (like most wives) to succeed in my marriage. My husband and I came from unique backgrounds as an LDS couple. We have had unique challenges and have grown tremendously. I admire my husband for his humility and his unwavoring love for me. His sensitivity is remarkable. He is simply trying to do his best with the tools he has been given. We all have dark times in our lives but what matters is how we choose to handle them. By accessing the atonement of Jesus Christ we can face our futures with faith. We can be healed and restored through his grace. There is much WORK to be done in ALL of our hearts. Honesty to ourselves is critical for lasting happiness. Eventually white lies to ourselves dig a dark hole and we can't decipher between good and evil.

The LDS Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) has developed wonderful support groups for spouses and family members affected by addiction. I plan to attend meetings here in Idaho and strongly encourage anyone dealing with this issues to do the same.

(http://providentliving.org/content/list/0,11664,4177-1,00.html)

The Reality of Imperfection and Humanity

It hit me the other day while sifting through super cute blogs, that although blogging can be very therapeutic and fulfilling it can also be somewhat decieving. The reader is only exposed to what the blogger WANTS them to see. The material is only as honest as the blogger is willing to be. It also depends on the audience I suppose. I find myself censoring much of what I REALLY want to say because I'm afraid of who will read it. So I'd like to devote this post to the reality of MY life.

The majority of my time is spent unshowered, in my comfies (that I only wash when I can visibly see that they need to be washed), my face covered in zits, while sitting in my living room.

I've been attempting to potty train this little angel for almost a year now...

...and she still poops in her pants daily....

....I've threatened to spank her if she has an accident....

....chances are, if you walk into our house at any given moment...this is where you will find my daughter. I swore I would never be one of THOSE parents who stuck their kid in front of the TV all day....but I get pretty lazy, and this is easier.

...I've struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. I attempted to treat my symtoms with drugs and alcohol for roughly six years. I've pushed away painful emotions by eating compulsively and I fight it daily, I've gained 20lbs in a year. Yup....

...I leave my daughter alone maybe longer than I should.....

...after almost four years of sobriety my husband relapsed on perscription pain medication that I had been perscribed after having a miscarriage. Addiction is a part of our lives. It sucks, but when I look at it from an outside perspective I find myself cracking up about the whole thing.

..against medical adivce, I suggested he tough out withdrawls. I dragged him to yoga with me and sought the advice of a certified herbalist to help with the detox. It's amazing what you can get your husband to when he's in the dog house.

I can't afford to dress trendy or stock up on craft supplies. I don't have a beautiful photography talent and I've never ran a marathon. I yell at my kid and say words in her presence that two year-olds probably shouldn't hear. I procrastinate and I although I am passionate about lots of issues I rarely live up to my own advice.

Like most woman I like to be surrounded by beautiful things. It's nice to look at someone's slide show of goodies in their life but, sometimes it's hard to relate to perfection. I love the gospel and I know the church is true. My testimony is my lifeline. I don't expect Heavenly Father to solve my problems or make me happy...but he makes things bareable.

"...but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." -1 Corinthians 10:13

I have to work at my happiness. I have to work for good grades. I struggle to be patient and kind. I feed my child candy and processed foods on a regular basis. I judge others too quickly because I am insecure. I am imperfect, but there is a beautiful thing about imperfection; I need help. I am in need of healing.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficent for all me that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things becoem strong unto them." -Ether 12:27

I look back on the spiritual progress that I have made in my life and I can honestly attribute every step to the guidance of my Savior Jesus Christ. I approach each new phase of my life thinking "there is no why I can do this," and some how I make it through, stronger and wiser. I love my fellow bloggers. They are encouraging. They motivate me to become better. I am grateful for the stories that expose they person behind the blogger. I'm thankful to be a part of this community. It's helped me to develop my talents and helped me open up. I hope that others feel comfortable asking questions and sharing similiar experiences. I also hope I do not offend anyone, as that is not my intention. With that I'll pass....

Analogy

Yesterday, my mind was open. I was pondering and searching for answers to difficult questions. I encountered several events through out the day that seemed to apply directly to what I was feeling.

As I was getting gas a young man came up to me. He couldn't have been more than 27 or 28, but he was dirty looking. He asked for some money so I reached for some cash and a pass-along card. (A pass-along card is a small picture of Jesus or a Holy temple on one side and a phone number to call on the other that provides information about my church). He took it and replied "Oh, you're a Mormon. Me too! So is my family. I severed a mission in Vancouver, Canada." We didn't say much more and he was quickly on his way. Reaching for the cash was easy, but finding the courage to offer the card was much more difficult. It was hard to see that returned missionary dirty and alone. He was obviously in some sort of trouble, my guess was substance abuse. His eyes were red and he was jittery. Even though he was a stranger I understood him. I used to be him. I am married to him. He is some of my best friends. Unfortunately, it is a common story. But now I regret not doing more. I should have asked him questions. I should have offered him more. He is all of us. I should offer all that I have. I should have offered all of my knowledge. I should have shared my pain and my relief. I should have offered the peace and confidence I now enjoy. I should have tried harder.

Later that night I took Saylor (my two year old daughter) to Chick-fil-a to let her play, (it's clean and free...two of mommy's favorite things). The stairs to climb to the slide where off set on either side of a vertical tube. She couldn't coordinate herself to climb from one stair to the other. She kept asking for help, but I couldn't fit into the tiny child space I could instruct her, but she had to do it herself. A few minutes later another child, somebody on her level, came along and offered to help her. He climbed one step ahead of her and then took her by the hand and pulled her up. The little boy did this several times. It came naturally to him and he was happy to help her. He did something that neither I nor Saylor could do. I watched this and thought that he just mirrored so perfectly our responsibility to help others. We are our Heavenly Fathers hands. He wants to help us and he can prompt us, but he will work through others. I was touched by this young child's selfless act and the happiness he brought to my child. I caught a glimpse of how God must feel when we love and serve eachother willingly. I loved watching the little boy "lift" Saylor up when she could go no further. This is example was the answer I was searchiing for.