Mommy Confessions

I just realized that my toddler's "lunch" today consisted of random snacking throughout the hours of 10:30am and 3pm. The items consumed consisted of:

fried French toast

McDonald's fries

PowerAde

Doritos

and Valentines M&M's

I would feel guilty, but I'm too lazy.

i'm thankful for my body

I normally blog about the things that I'm thinking about most. Unfortunately, I've been selfishly obsessed with my body image. I feel like I should be over this horribly shallow fixation by now. However, like many women, I'm still thinking about how I can change the way my body looks and feels. I constantly try to control my eating and find time to exercise. I spend even more time, hating my body. I fail at these attempts to better myself because I'm not happy with my current circumstances. And here's the kicker....Why would I take care of something that I don't love!? Somehow I have to figure out how to love and appreciate the body I have so that I can sincerely take care of it. In light of Thanksgiving I'm posting a list of all the reasons I should be thankful for the body that I have.



What I love about my body...
1.) All of my body parts function as they were intended...arms, legs, fingers toes, eyes etc.

2.) I have blond hair like my mommy, sisters and daughters.

3.) It's not addicted to drugs or alcohol.

4.) It can perform all of the tasks that I need to care for my family.

5.) It can dance.

6.) It can sing.

7.) It made two beautiful, healthy baby girls.

8.) It gave birth to two baby girls...one with no pain meds!

9.) It makes milk that provides all the nutrients my baby needs to survive!!

10.) My brain is healthy.

11.) I have arms to hold my husband and lips to kiss him.

12.) Every working body system that is a daily miracle.

13.) The chemical exchange of gases to provide oxygen to all of my tissues.

14.) The digestion of food.

15.) The delicate balance of hormones.

16.) The replacement of old tissue and healing abilities.

17.) The delivery of nutrients to muscles and bones.

18.) The advanced communication of my nervous system.

19.) The rhythmic beating of my heart that keeps me alive.

20.) My freckles

21.) My green eyes

22.) I have perfect vision (20/20)

23.) I can hear all the beautiful sounds and songs of life.

24.) It houses my soul

25.) I can dress it up in awesome outfits.

26.) It can rock my babies to sleep.

27.) It can run, swim, play sports, skateboard, ice skate, ride a bike etc. etc.

28.) It can taste delicious food.

29.) It can sleep and dream.

30.) It can feel the cool breeze.

31.) It can feel the warm sun.

32.) It can smell my baby's skin, lavender laundry soap, my husband's cologne, Saylor's hair, Christmas trees, a Sunday roast, etc.. 

33.) I don't have any allergies.

34.) It can do some pretty awesome yoga poses.

35.) I have all of my teeth.

36.) It can play the guitar, drums and a little piano.

37.) It can paint, draw, decorate, craft and create.

38.) I'm strong

39.) It releases natural "feel-good" chemicals.

40.) It is unique.

This Just Got Real

Life is amazing. Every day I am in awe. I've been up and down a lot lately. I've been fighting this battle with myself. However, when I let God take over, life is a bowl of cherries! I've been hitting the gym and I'm down 19 LBS. I always have this voice in the back of my head that says, "I'll be happy when I'm skinny." But I'm here to say that I'm happy today! I've accomplished so much with my Heavenly Father help. I have so much to be grateful for. I'm just lucky to be alive.

I ran my first 5k several weeks ago at the St. Lukes Women's Celebration. This was a HUGE accomplishment for me. I never thought I would do something like this. It was such a blast. I ran with my sisters which made it even better. It gave me so much confidence. I'm not perfect and I stumble sometimes. Sometimes it's really hard to get back up. But God always makes up the difference if I let him. Little miracles keep popping up everyday. I'm the happiest when I notice them! I'm happy for the perspective I've gained as a result of spiritual experiences. I feel like a more useful mother. I'm ready for those hard questions. Like this morning when Saylor saw me on the scale and wanted to take a turn. She stood on the scale and asked, "what does it say, Mommy?" I happily replied, "it says your healthy, baby!" That's all that really matters. That we are healthy in our minds, in our souls and in our hearts...if it is in our power to have healthy bodies than we are extremely blessed.

On October 27th I'll be running my second 5k. THE COLOR RUN! I'm so excited. It's gonna be epic. Check it out!

Seeking God First: My Weight Loss Solution

For as long as I can remember I have used food to deal with my feelings and emotions. Now, after having my second child, my weight is becoming a serious issue. Mentally, physically and spiritually I feel "icky". Well, at least I did up until about three weeks ago. I decided enough is enough. I found the support I needed in what should have been the most obvious place: My Heavenly Father. I am trying my hardest to eat sensibly and exercise regularly, but for people like me that just isn't enough. I will fail and fail horribly every time I rely on self-will alone. I have to include my Higher Power in every aspect of my life if I wish to grow in that area. From the Sermon on the Mount, Christ command us,

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;

and all these things shall be added unto you."

Matthew 6:33

 

I pray each morning for the knowledge of God's will and the courage to carry that out. I pray specifically for the strength to resist the temptation to overeat and/or eat compulsively. Then I begin my day and do the best that I can do. I see how far my compulsion for food has gotten me. I've dug a very large hole and it will take time to get out. When I realize how much work needs to be done it is easy to get discouraged. So I just focus on today. I do the best that I can today. I have found that if I allow God's spirit to dwell with me continually, these challenges become manageable. The chaos and insanity of my eating disorder seem to subside.

 

As unpleasant feelings and situations arise I realize the importance of turning to my Creator for help rather than food. Food only provides a temporary numbing or tiny bit of pleasure. As I turn more frequently to the healing power of the atonement, my heart is softened. The whisperings of the Holy Ghost come more often to my mind. THEN, when I face food choices or need that extra push to keep exercising I am ready for God's aid.

 

 I've lost 12lbs since committing to my food plan three weeks ago. I've been using My Fitness Pal to keep track of my diet, exercise and progress. This site/app is really awesome! It's similar to Facebook except is all about health. Adding friends really helps to keep me motivated. I highly recommend it. I've written down a very specific food plan along with a list of "trigger foods". This is a list of foods that are completely off limits. Some items are obvious like donuts and soda. But others are personal just to me like cold cereal (I'm infamous for binging on cereal). I have found this to be really useful. I also started putting as much energy into actually exercising that I do reading about it on Pintrest and I've seen great results. HAHA!

 

Anyways, I hope some of you can identify with some of the topics in this post. It really helps to put yourself out there rather than isolate. I have big goals and high hopes! Good luck to others on the same journey!

New Baby Thoughts

Sylvia Kaye- 2 Months

In light of recent family events ( the birth of Sylvia and two new nieces), I wanted to share a few things that have really helped me get through these first few months with my new little bundle of joy.

1.) Get motivated!
  If you have a shoe basket and at the bottom of that shoe basket are your running shoes....you're probably feeling large, out of control, and headed for your 16th "snack" for the day. Since our big move to Idaho I've really been trying to schedule in some mommy time. I've written down a food plan and committed to cardio exercise at least three times a week. Even if that means walking around the neighborhood while packing around baby in the carrier. Physical activity (at the right pace for your healing body) can do wonders for your mood and baby's!

2.) Got milk issues?
   Lactation woes are all too common with new mommies, but a few things that I have found REALLY help my milk supply, are drinking LOTS of water, high protien, and Traditional Medicinal brand Mothers Milk tea. Aqua is kind of a obvious solution, but the high protien diet I wouldn't have guessed. I've been drinking a supplement called Muscle Milk that 20grams of protien per bottle! I sampled some of my mom's and now I can't put it down (the supplement, not her breast milk. She's not even lactating)...Anyways, the Mothers Milk tea is sold in most grocery stores. Two or three cups a day of this herbal, organic, and caffiene free tea is guarnteed to increase your milk supply quicker than you'd expect.

3.) Don't be a hero, go for the drugs!
  This has been a little motto around our house lately. Drugs meaning anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. The baby blues are becoming more common especially in those women who already have a history of depression and/or anxiety. You want to be the best mommy you can be and it's important to be honest with yourself about how many changes you can handle at once. I was on a low dosage of anti-anxiety medication during my pregnancy and after baby girl came I discussed my mood decline with my OB and she suggested uping my dose. It has made a world of difference. I can be a better mommy when I've taken care of myself first! Mental health should be a top priority!

4.) Listen to your mommy instincts!  
   Stop Goggling about your baby's milestones, how much she should eat, weigh, sleep etc. Parenting books are based on generalizations and although they can be very helpful and point you in the right direction they should not be used as the letter of the law. You have a bond to your child that no one else does. Relax and watch for your babies cues about she needs. A routine is a good starting point, but don't beat yourself up if you have to adapt to baby's needs. As women we want to do everything right, especially when it comes to parenting. The truth is we are going to make ALOT of mistakes before we get the hang of things. Whether it's your first or your seventh child, each baby is different and has unique needs. Listen to advice with an open mind, but don't be so hard on yourself when baby has a hard time latching or she cries for 20 minutes before dozing off. Do YOUR best. That's all that matters. ( And yes, I do realize I just gave you advice about not taking advice.)

5.) Did you think to pray?
  I'd like to say that each morning the first thing I do is kneel beside my bed in peace and quiet and pour my heart out to my Heavenly Father. The truth is I rarely have adequete time, peace or quiet to pray before my day is set in motion by my crazy three year-old or hungry two month-old. It can be very difficult to find the right moment to express my concerns and thanks to my Father in Heaven. I'll admit that sometimes the first opportunity I have to be alone is while I'm sitting on the toliet. My point is, that on the days that I invite God into my parenting endeavors things seem to be just a little eaiser. I have more patience, more will-power, more love, and more optimism throughout the day.

   Parenting is a HUGE challenge, but nothing will bring you more satisfaction, more understanding, or more love than being a mommy. Keep the big picture in mind and the little things won't seem so bad. Snuggle that little bundle every chance you get and remember, "This too shall pass."

Nelya 2 Minutes-Old

Vegetarian Follow-Up

After 30 days of not consuming any meat I ended my vegetarian experiment. It was refreshing and it felt good to try something new. In all honesty, I didn't notice any difference. My appetite was is the same, my face is still covered in zits, etc. etc. The most rewarding part of the experiment was gain a sense of control over what I was eating. I felt proud that I was able to stick to a plan without feeling desperate for a cheeseburger. Now that I have introduced meat back into my diet I notice that I am thinking about food more and what I CAN eat.

I feel it's safe to say that at least for me, my diet does not affect my natural oil secretion and therefore does not affect the number of out breaks I have. When conducting this experiment in the future I'd like to try it for a longer period of time. Possible six months to a year.

I just wanted to actually follow up on one of my blogs. I feel like I always say I'm going to track my progress of things and rarely do! So, there you go! I actually followed through! Woo hoo!

Pancake Love

I spent the morning with my beautiful daughter, Saylor, making chocolate chip pancakes. I can't believe how she is turning into a person right before my eyes. Everyday I watch her grow and become more lovely. She is able to do so much on her own these days. She is entering a phase where I can actually use her help. She was full of joy as she poured ingredients into the bowl and mixed it up. She is slowly learning to be patient. She asks important, valid and smart questions about the world. She is trying to understand each detail of life and put it together like a puzzle. I told her that we are going to a rodeo this weekend, and once I got to the part about the horses she was jumping with excitement screaming, "I go to a radio, radio, radio!!" It must be hard to learn words and meanings. And to learn that some words have the same meanings and that some words are spelled the same, but have different meanings. I am impressed with Saylor's level of understanding. She will be three in October and already she is asking to go to school. My heart breaks at the thought of her leaving. I can't imagine a life without seeing her everyday. I am quick to complain about how much work being a mother is and then when I leave I miss her terribly within an hour.

There is a beautiful article in this months Ensign about setting aside a few moments each day to give one-on-one attention to your family members. It is difficult to find an activity to do with young children that will hold their attention and run smoothly. I have had to be willing to leave my comfort zone as a mother, by allowing things to get a little messy or loud at times if it means an opportunity to bond with my daughter. This morning was a great success. She was entertained and felt good about herself for helping. We were listening to Band of Horses (currently our favorite band) and I felt genuinely happy to be sharing that moment with my baby.

So much of my daughters ability to enjoy life depends on the tools that I give her. If every time she has a surge of overwhelming emotion (aka a tantrum), and I react by shaming her, or sooth her with food, it's likely that she will find it difficult to control or understand her emotions as she gets older. I am eagerly devising a way that I can help my daughter cope with her feelings as they arise. I do not want to mute her sense of confidence. She is strong, outgoing, compassionate, and silly. When nurtured, these qualities will enrich her life. However if she is taught to be pacified by immediate stimulation (i.e. electronics, food etc.) then that is what she will turn to in the future. What a critical time in a child's life.
I was given the idea to carry a small bag of 10 coins, buttons, beans, or any other small item. Every time a stressful situation arises give the child the bag and have them count the items or line them up if the child is too young to count. This is a quick diversion that allows the child to step away from the situation without feeling shameful.

I have struggled with guilt and low self-esteem my entire life. I can't remember a time when I didn't feel like everyone else was better than me. No guilt can compare to "mommy-guilt" though. I worry that although I'm with her 24/7 that I often take her for granted. I find myself brushing her aside to often. On the other hand I've come up with a mantra that has really helped me to over come "mommy-guilt" as it arises. Around the time that she has slammed my head in the fridge for the third time in morning I calmly guide her to bedroom and close the door for a timeout. She begins to sob and kick and I can just picture her sad little face. This is where the mantra comes in.

She's a white-American child.

She is fed.

She is clothed.

She is in an air-conditioned room, full of

toys games, puzzles, books, and stuffed animals.

She is not being abused.

She will still live even if she is mad at me.

You are her mother, not her friend.

Boundaries will be tested. Hair will be cut with kid scissors. Lemonade will be dumped on your lap top (sorry, Cass). Carpets will be peed on. Random grapes will be eaten off of the floor at Wal-mart; but lessons will be learned. When all is said and done, it's all worth it because she is mine. Even during the chaos there's nowhere else I'd rather be.

the Beginning of Vegetarianism

One night as I was doing some aimless web searching and came across a very simple guide Vegetarian's "beginner's guide".I half-heartily made a choice to stop eating meat (for a time) to see if I noticed any significant health improvements. I've had several friends suggest a more plant centered diet to help my poor complexion and battle with weight loss. I am now ending day 6 without eating any meat or fish. More than anything, I am surprised at my ability to refrain from eating meat and to come up with creative meals. It has brought me a sense of accomplishment through self-control. I made a terrible mistake by beginning a new diet plan over a holiday weekend. Miraculously, I was able to resist the temptation for barbecued meat and still have a fantastic time.

(To clarify, by NO MEAT I mean vegetarian, not vegan. I'm abstaining from any animal tissue, such as pork, chicken, beef, fish etc. I am still consuming dairy products and eggs, but toying with the idea of phasing those out to depending on how well this portion of the observation goes. )

My husband, Cassidy, has been very supportive of my dietary efforts and has been open-minded about trying new foods. Saylor has been less receptive.
Meals
1.) The first meal I presented was a veggie sandwich that was very easy to add meat to for my husband. It included:

herb & cheese focccacia bread
pesto
sun dried tomatoes
provolone cheese
smoked turkey (optional)
  w/ grapes and Parmesan pasta

I like to put a smile on his face.

the 'meatless' option.

Saylor playing with her food

2.) The second meal was lighter. A whole grain vegetable soup (canned) and a tossed salad including:

spring mix
cranberries
cantaloupe
crushed pecans
parmesan cheese
raspberry dressing
  w/ tortilla chips & light yogurt

The presentation was a lot of fun and  I think Cassidy agreed how yummy the meals were. I think I've been surprising him (and myself). I'll try to keep updating my progress...key word TRY.  It's been exciting to achieve the few days of commitment to vegetarianism. Today also marks  24 hrs of abstinence from overeating. What abstinence requires is that I write down my 'food plan' and follow it exactly. The list consists of foods I exclude as well as what food I will allow myself to eat and how much. Food exclusions should be what you consider trigger foods that lead to overeating. As an example, here is my current food plan:


1,300 calories per day
no soda
no ice cream
no donuts.
vegetarian diet (no meat or fish)

24 hours of abstinence may not seem like a long time, but when you are struggling with a 

compulsion/addiction, it is a life-changing accomplishment. I commend all those you have over come this problem and am so inspired by the stories I hear. I have seen hard work be put into a recovery program and yield unimaginable success. It brings me hope!

..Here's to today..

Let Me Come Home

   I can't quite figure out how I became more at home in the desert than in the lush green forests of Idaho. Regardless, I have found myself back in the dusty, dry, sweltering desert of Mesa, Arizona. Starting over, one day at a time has not been easy. Each day brings a new challenge when addiction is part of your family. The beauty of 12-step programs though is that it renders other peoples behavior irrelevant to your own individual happiness. I have found another home among people facing challenges similar to my own. I am still a "new-comer" but I feel I have a good grasp on what is to come in the next days, weeks, and months ahead. I have found that prayer is a key factor in reaching my goals and receiving the help that is essential to my progress. Heartfelt expressions of gratitude, humility, faith, and repentance to a loving Heavenly Father open the pathways to endure our trials and overcome our weakness's.

       I feel so blessed to come back to my physical home and put all of my things back in their places and then find a quiet moment to read and reflect. Many people that struggling with addiction or compulsive behaviors have to juggle their recovery around work or school schedules. But here I am in the middle of Summer break with lots of spare time on my hands. I couldn't ask for a more ideal time to start/continue a program of spiritual healing and recovery.
   I also have to mention what an absolute joy being a mother is. Regardless of the everyday bumps of raising a two year-old, I am eternally gratefully for the chance to be a mommy. Ever since Saylor was born, if I was depressed or getting down on myself I could simply look at her and all my troubles would melt away. Even through all the recent struggles I have felt that as long as I have Saylor by my side, everything will be okay. Now, I know she won't always be right there by me and I can rely on her as a coping mechanism, but just that fact that she is a part of my life has eased my pain and lightened my load. I find so much satisfaction in teaching her and caring for her basic needs. She is my home. She is one of my main motivations to be happy and healthy. I know that she will follow my example and that freaks me out just a little (in a good way)! I am not perfect by any means. But Saylor (just like every other child) deserves to have an example of a woman who is trying to be a little better each day. One day at a time.

A Country Girl From the Big City in a Small Town: Feeding the Wolves

Changes keep coming. Transition seems to be the endless stage of my life. In my heart are the beautiful rolling hills of the Palouse. I've been all over the West. I tried out Scottsdale, then Bend, Oregon, then back to the desert of Arizona and now I'm exploring the Southern farms of Idaho. Within these states I've moved too many times to keep track of. I've slept in queen beds, twin beds, on couches and floors. I've had legal residence in a handful of places and been a temporary house guest more times that I would have liked. I've ran away. I've been kicked out.

I've been invited in. I've traveled on foot, I've bummed a ride, I've driven away. I've traveled alone and I've had companions. Money has been earned and money has been spent. Few things have made it through the journey. It's funny how a new place makes you feel like a kid...wandering in a field or forest searching for something exciting and new. Although, even as a child you long for security. You long for a place to belong. A place to call home. I fear my own child is lacking this sense of home. I fear she won't possess the adaptability that I've acquired. I fear that her happiness will require her to obtain that quality.

The reality of it all though is that I am an adult. With the adventure comes the trials and the weakness to deal with all the changes. With the pressure of finding a job, starting school, finding a house, and all the other daily responsibilities I have found myself falling pray to compulsive behaviors that soothe my fears.

Yes, that's an Oreo covered donut with Oreo filling from Krispy Kreme. Any ounce of will power I may have had before this last week is now completely gone. I have been devouring everything in sight. I have eaten every bit of stress, pain, discomfort, anxiety, sadness, anger and disappointment that arises. And let me tell you...it tasted phenomenal. Not that I'm proud of myself. I haven't been able to let go. I've fought to hang on to my problems. Trying to control the world around me. I am obviously completely unable to overcome my compulsions. I don't want them. I am trying desperately to figure out how to give my weakness to God. He is the only one. Not that I am giving up responsibility. I am still required to humble myself. Without this humility...there is no hope.

"An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, 'A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and pride. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside of every other person too.' The grandchildren thought about the story for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, 'Which wolf will win?' The old Grandpa replied, 'The one you feed.'"

Whether my feet are planted or I am running to freedom, the journey will not end. It will continue with each new sunrise. I choose which wolf to feed each morning. Most mornings I am ready to feed the joy-wolf. But then the self-pity-wolf sneaks up and lashes out at the other wolf. This battle is very real to me. I have long felt the tug of both sides.

Which wolf do you feed?

Where does it lead you?

When I feed the pride-wolf I am lost. I am irritable. I am unaware of the needs of other. I am unavailable and unable to help. The pride-wolf leads me to self-destruction. I indulge myself with immediate pleasures and regret my actions later.

BUT...

When I feed the joyful-wolf, I am full of light. I am filled with clarity. I am confident in my choices. God's love and presence is near.

There is so much hope in my life right now. There is still a transition occurring..in fact one of the biggest that I've ever been apart of. The wolves with continue to ravage my soul, but I am being handed so many tools to feed the truth-wolf. This hope comes in the form of sincere prayer asking God to remove these weaknesses. The hope has come from attending my first meeting in Idaho. I finally began my step one today. As in step one of tweleve. In all honesty I am a little scared and very curious about what is going to be revealed. My next tool will be the help of a sponsor. Timing is so key in all of this and although transition is constant..the time is now.

The Reality of Imperfection and Humanity

It hit me the other day while sifting through super cute blogs, that although blogging can be very therapeutic and fulfilling it can also be somewhat decieving. The reader is only exposed to what the blogger WANTS them to see. The material is only as honest as the blogger is willing to be. It also depends on the audience I suppose. I find myself censoring much of what I REALLY want to say because I'm afraid of who will read it. So I'd like to devote this post to the reality of MY life.

The majority of my time is spent unshowered, in my comfies (that I only wash when I can visibly see that they need to be washed), my face covered in zits, while sitting in my living room.

I've been attempting to potty train this little angel for almost a year now...

...and she still poops in her pants daily....

....I've threatened to spank her if she has an accident....

....chances are, if you walk into our house at any given moment...this is where you will find my daughter. I swore I would never be one of THOSE parents who stuck their kid in front of the TV all day....but I get pretty lazy, and this is easier.

...I've struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. I attempted to treat my symtoms with drugs and alcohol for roughly six years. I've pushed away painful emotions by eating compulsively and I fight it daily, I've gained 20lbs in a year. Yup....

...I leave my daughter alone maybe longer than I should.....

...after almost four years of sobriety my husband relapsed on perscription pain medication that I had been perscribed after having a miscarriage. Addiction is a part of our lives. It sucks, but when I look at it from an outside perspective I find myself cracking up about the whole thing.

..against medical adivce, I suggested he tough out withdrawls. I dragged him to yoga with me and sought the advice of a certified herbalist to help with the detox. It's amazing what you can get your husband to when he's in the dog house.

I can't afford to dress trendy or stock up on craft supplies. I don't have a beautiful photography talent and I've never ran a marathon. I yell at my kid and say words in her presence that two year-olds probably shouldn't hear. I procrastinate and I although I am passionate about lots of issues I rarely live up to my own advice.

Like most woman I like to be surrounded by beautiful things. It's nice to look at someone's slide show of goodies in their life but, sometimes it's hard to relate to perfection. I love the gospel and I know the church is true. My testimony is my lifeline. I don't expect Heavenly Father to solve my problems or make me happy...but he makes things bareable.

"...but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." -1 Corinthians 10:13

I have to work at my happiness. I have to work for good grades. I struggle to be patient and kind. I feed my child candy and processed foods on a regular basis. I judge others too quickly because I am insecure. I am imperfect, but there is a beautiful thing about imperfection; I need help. I am in need of healing.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficent for all me that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things becoem strong unto them." -Ether 12:27

I look back on the spiritual progress that I have made in my life and I can honestly attribute every step to the guidance of my Savior Jesus Christ. I approach each new phase of my life thinking "there is no why I can do this," and some how I make it through, stronger and wiser. I love my fellow bloggers. They are encouraging. They motivate me to become better. I am grateful for the stories that expose they person behind the blogger. I'm thankful to be a part of this community. It's helped me to develop my talents and helped me open up. I hope that others feel comfortable asking questions and sharing similiar experiences. I also hope I do not offend anyone, as that is not my intention. With that I'll pass....

Healthy Wednesday

So I have been very reluctent to post more about my struggle with weight loss. I feel like I jinx myself by talking about it aloud. However it's one of my top priorities right now so it's almost impossible not to bring it up. My body is going crazy! I have no control of my appetite. I do have control of my physical activity though. With no apparent exscuses to fall back on I have dragged my big butt to the gym as often as possible in the last month or so. I can feel my heart rate and endurance improving as I run. Mostly, I like to run. It makes me feel empowered. It makes me feel more connected to myself. I practice yoga at least once a week which ALWAYS centers me and motivates me to push myself. I would love to eventually be practicing everyday. Moving meditation is ideal for somebody as restless as me.

I even talked to my doctor who suggested the regular "lets check your thyroid" routine and challenged me to limit my calorie intake to 1,200 a day! For a compulsive over eater such as myself this is near impossible! I was able to go almost a week before going over my calories. Now I'm struggling once again to keep my head above water. I feel like my exercise is productive and I feel great during and after. I just cannot align my eating habits with the knowledge of what I know is BEST for me and the rest of my life style.

I admire the women around me that have sense of dicipline. I see all these families running marathons together and I just want to get through the day without binging. As for TODAY...I have not exceeded my intake as of 10:30am, I started my day with an at-home yoga practice, then walked to the gym where I swam for 45 minutes. This is the best I can do today. I can only take this issue ONE DAY AT A TIME. I cannot think about tomorrow or worry about yesterday. I do as much as I can and then ask God to do the rest.

There's a party in my tummy!

Ugh! Here I go again. Planning a weight loss diet; dreading the idea of depriving myself of my one vice, FOOD. It's a horrible addiction because rather than ridding yourself of any association with the substance, you have to partake of it but in MODERATION. Like many people struggling with weight management, I eat because I'm bored; because I'm seeking to fill some emptiness, there's a party in my tummy, I'm emotional, it tastes good, I'm out of control!
(Deep breath.)


I have lost weight before. I have felt the benefits of self-mastery. I am FULLY AWARE of the contradiction that overeating is to the rest of my values. How did I let it get this far? How did I lose sight of my drive? I asked myself the same questions while struggling with other addictions.
After giving birth to my daughter I was full of motivation to better myself in every way possible. I wanted to find my true spirit again, I wanted to better my education, strengthen my relationships and be nothing short of a perfect example of what an honorable WOMAN is.

So here I am. Many of my goals are in active progress. I can feel the light of God in my life again; my years of education are steadily accumulating, I have an honest sense of confidence and I have formed some of the deepest relationships of my lifetime. Yet, I still fall short. (And hard due to excess weight.) I continue to struggle with indulgence. I can feel my appetite taking over, my mouth watering and my excitement growing as I approach a meal. If the food is in front of me, I will eat it. I literally do not have the will power to push it away even though I may be sickeningly full. Afterwards I feel disgusted and ashamed of myself. How could I have lost control again!? Why did I do this to myself?

So now I am asking, What can I do? What are the factors I CAN control? Is there hope for me? Will I ever be able to live a healthy life with nutritional boundaries?

I have to believe that there IS HOPE for me. I have encountered too many success stories to deny hope. We have all heard of those people who governed themselves and worked diligently to overcome their demons. I know that I will need to monitor myself. I do not want to devote all of my entries to my weight loss goals but will periodically record my progress along the way. I have recorded the details of my plan separately and privately. Hopefully, writing will be another tool I can rely on to overcome the challenges I face.