Mommy Confessions

I just realized that my toddler's "lunch" today consisted of random snacking throughout the hours of 10:30am and 3pm. The items consumed consisted of:

fried French toast

McDonald's fries

PowerAde

Doritos

and Valentines M&M's

I would feel guilty, but I'm too lazy.

Natural Birth vs. Epidural

In my delicate, hormonal, impregnated condition I'm finding it irresistible to not weigh in on every topic and issue that crosses my path. Obviously, one of the major ones in my realm is whether or not to use medical pain relief during labor.

Labor and delivery with an epidural 
With my first daughter, the labor was relatively normal. The hospital staff administered pitocin to speed up the labor. When I reached eight centimeters dilated I heard someone screaming hysterically in the middle of one of my contractions. As the contraction subsided I realized that I was the one screaming. I was completely detached from the situation. I felt out of control and was shaking uncontrollably and I was terrified like nothing else.

It was at this point that I chose to have the epidural. It took the anesthesiologist longer than normally to insert the catheter in between my vertebrae because my back was so tense. When the epidural was finally administered, the pain was relieved and I was completely dead weight from the waist down. Somehow, I was still able to control my abdominal muscles to push. I was able to focus and be present in the moment, but now I felt out of control in a different way.

Because of complications caused by the nurse, Saylor was rushed to the NICU (she broke the umbilical cord before clamping it, causing Saylor to loose blood quickly). Because I was immobilized by the epidural, I was unable to be with my daughter for two hours after I gave birth to her.

The hospital staff was unable to remove the epidural catheter from my back. It is made of rubbery, balloon like material and if they pulled to hard it could break, leaving part of it still in my back. In this case, it would require surgery to remove the rest of the catheter.  This problem delayed me even longer to be present with my newborn daughter. Eventually, a training anesthesiologist was able to remove the catheter 15 hours after the delivery.

Labor and delivery without an epidural
My labor with my second daughter Syliva, was much different. I labored at home for about two hours and would have labored longer, but my husband made the smart choice to go to the hospital. The contractions were right on top of each other and the pain was significantly more intense then I had remembered. By the time we reached the hospital I was fully dilated and it was too late for any pain relief. Sylvia was already crowning and the nurses were coaching me to try to avoid pushing. The doctor was not at the hospital yet and they wanted to wait for her. I didn't care who was or wasn't there at that point and shot Sylvia out like a cannon. The relief I felt after delivery was incredible. As much pain as I was feeling seconds before was equal to the elation and pleasure I felt after she was born. I felt a flood of adrenaline and natural instincts kicking in. Sylvia needed minor help through message to help stimulate breathing rhythm and then was placed in my arms. Minutes after giving birth she was latched onto my breast and feeding. Unlike, Saylor who struggled for three months to breastfed before being weened to a bottle. My recovery was phenomenal. I felt like I could get up and go immediately after giving birth. Between the recovery and bonding benefits, I would highly recommend all natural birth.

I realize that each woman is different and each situation is unique. If Syliva hadn't come so quickly I don't know if I would have been strong enough to resist the temptation of an epidural. I don't believe that an epidural in itself is harmful to the baby or mother. However, just like with my first experience, little things can go wrong that are less then ideal and can be avoided. I think that we should not label one method right or wrong. This is simply my experience thus far.

There is something so empowering about doing what other women have done for thousands of years. To allow my body to perform to its fullest capacity without any artificial impact. There is simply no other feeling or experience like it. As a Mormon, my thoughts were turned to my pioneer ancestors and the incredible trial that they endured of bearing children in unimaginable conditions. Natural birth gave me a glimpse into the issues they had face. The pain aside, I couldn't imagine the circumstances they had face in order bring their children into the world. Although I felt good enough to get up and walk out of the hospital, I didn't have to. These pioneer women on the other hand did. Because of their faith, the most likely took very little time to rest and recuperate before continuing their journey west. If that's not inspirational, then I don't know what is!

Seeking God First: My Weight Loss Solution

For as long as I can remember I have used food to deal with my feelings and emotions. Now, after having my second child, my weight is becoming a serious issue. Mentally, physically and spiritually I feel "icky". Well, at least I did up until about three weeks ago. I decided enough is enough. I found the support I needed in what should have been the most obvious place: My Heavenly Father. I am trying my hardest to eat sensibly and exercise regularly, but for people like me that just isn't enough. I will fail and fail horribly every time I rely on self-will alone. I have to include my Higher Power in every aspect of my life if I wish to grow in that area. From the Sermon on the Mount, Christ command us,

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;

and all these things shall be added unto you."

Matthew 6:33

 

I pray each morning for the knowledge of God's will and the courage to carry that out. I pray specifically for the strength to resist the temptation to overeat and/or eat compulsively. Then I begin my day and do the best that I can do. I see how far my compulsion for food has gotten me. I've dug a very large hole and it will take time to get out. When I realize how much work needs to be done it is easy to get discouraged. So I just focus on today. I do the best that I can today. I have found that if I allow God's spirit to dwell with me continually, these challenges become manageable. The chaos and insanity of my eating disorder seem to subside.

 

As unpleasant feelings and situations arise I realize the importance of turning to my Creator for help rather than food. Food only provides a temporary numbing or tiny bit of pleasure. As I turn more frequently to the healing power of the atonement, my heart is softened. The whisperings of the Holy Ghost come more often to my mind. THEN, when I face food choices or need that extra push to keep exercising I am ready for God's aid.

 

 I've lost 12lbs since committing to my food plan three weeks ago. I've been using My Fitness Pal to keep track of my diet, exercise and progress. This site/app is really awesome! It's similar to Facebook except is all about health. Adding friends really helps to keep me motivated. I highly recommend it. I've written down a very specific food plan along with a list of "trigger foods". This is a list of foods that are completely off limits. Some items are obvious like donuts and soda. But others are personal just to me like cold cereal (I'm infamous for binging on cereal). I have found this to be really useful. I also started putting as much energy into actually exercising that I do reading about it on Pintrest and I've seen great results. HAHA!

 

Anyways, I hope some of you can identify with some of the topics in this post. It really helps to put yourself out there rather than isolate. I have big goals and high hopes! Good luck to others on the same journey!

Ode to Arizona

Watching Tank

Rhinestone Cowboy

Abandoned

Grandfather

Wherever the Wind May Take Us

Great-Great Billie

Tree of Life

After four years of living in the Arizona desert I am saying good-bye. I never thought that it would be difficult. Whether I liked it or not, after four years....the desert became my home. I met my husband there. It is were both my daughters were born. My "extended" family became my familia. I cried as I left. I am happy for the memories and friends I made in the desert. These are a few of the last moments I spent in Arizona. I feel a sense of pride having lived in the land of cowboys and Indians. I will not forget the lessons the desert taught me. There are so many people that I love in Arizona. I owe many of my friends and loved ones in Mesa an apology. I have not been in very good contact. Maybe it is selfish, but it hurts to hear the voices of those I left behind. As an adult I have become quite sentimental. Please accept my apology if you haven't heard from me. I promise we will talk soon. For now, Adios Amigos!

New Baby Thoughts

Sylvia Kaye- 2 Months

In light of recent family events ( the birth of Sylvia and two new nieces), I wanted to share a few things that have really helped me get through these first few months with my new little bundle of joy.

1.) Get motivated!
  If you have a shoe basket and at the bottom of that shoe basket are your running shoes....you're probably feeling large, out of control, and headed for your 16th "snack" for the day. Since our big move to Idaho I've really been trying to schedule in some mommy time. I've written down a food plan and committed to cardio exercise at least three times a week. Even if that means walking around the neighborhood while packing around baby in the carrier. Physical activity (at the right pace for your healing body) can do wonders for your mood and baby's!

2.) Got milk issues?
   Lactation woes are all too common with new mommies, but a few things that I have found REALLY help my milk supply, are drinking LOTS of water, high protien, and Traditional Medicinal brand Mothers Milk tea. Aqua is kind of a obvious solution, but the high protien diet I wouldn't have guessed. I've been drinking a supplement called Muscle Milk that 20grams of protien per bottle! I sampled some of my mom's and now I can't put it down (the supplement, not her breast milk. She's not even lactating)...Anyways, the Mothers Milk tea is sold in most grocery stores. Two or three cups a day of this herbal, organic, and caffiene free tea is guarnteed to increase your milk supply quicker than you'd expect.

3.) Don't be a hero, go for the drugs!
  This has been a little motto around our house lately. Drugs meaning anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. The baby blues are becoming more common especially in those women who already have a history of depression and/or anxiety. You want to be the best mommy you can be and it's important to be honest with yourself about how many changes you can handle at once. I was on a low dosage of anti-anxiety medication during my pregnancy and after baby girl came I discussed my mood decline with my OB and she suggested uping my dose. It has made a world of difference. I can be a better mommy when I've taken care of myself first! Mental health should be a top priority!

4.) Listen to your mommy instincts!  
   Stop Goggling about your baby's milestones, how much she should eat, weigh, sleep etc. Parenting books are based on generalizations and although they can be very helpful and point you in the right direction they should not be used as the letter of the law. You have a bond to your child that no one else does. Relax and watch for your babies cues about she needs. A routine is a good starting point, but don't beat yourself up if you have to adapt to baby's needs. As women we want to do everything right, especially when it comes to parenting. The truth is we are going to make ALOT of mistakes before we get the hang of things. Whether it's your first or your seventh child, each baby is different and has unique needs. Listen to advice with an open mind, but don't be so hard on yourself when baby has a hard time latching or she cries for 20 minutes before dozing off. Do YOUR best. That's all that matters. ( And yes, I do realize I just gave you advice about not taking advice.)

5.) Did you think to pray?
  I'd like to say that each morning the first thing I do is kneel beside my bed in peace and quiet and pour my heart out to my Heavenly Father. The truth is I rarely have adequete time, peace or quiet to pray before my day is set in motion by my crazy three year-old or hungry two month-old. It can be very difficult to find the right moment to express my concerns and thanks to my Father in Heaven. I'll admit that sometimes the first opportunity I have to be alone is while I'm sitting on the toliet. My point is, that on the days that I invite God into my parenting endeavors things seem to be just a little eaiser. I have more patience, more will-power, more love, and more optimism throughout the day.

   Parenting is a HUGE challenge, but nothing will bring you more satisfaction, more understanding, or more love than being a mommy. Keep the big picture in mind and the little things won't seem so bad. Snuggle that little bundle every chance you get and remember, "This too shall pass."

Nelya 2 Minutes-Old

Sylvia

Sylvia Kaye Zoellner

04/19/12

7 lbs 1 oz

    Here she is world. The bundle of joy that we have been waiting for! Miss Sylvia Kaye Zoellner was born at 12:51am April 19th 2012. My water broke around 10:30pm and my contractions were getting intense, but I delayed going to the hospital because we had a false alarm the week before and I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. I was afraid maybe I was mistaken and that this was just false labor. Luckily, my mom and Cassidy were there to help. Cass, did an amazing job getting me in the car and to the hospital. I had told him through out the pregnancy that it's not like you see the movies with the dad speeding to the hospital. It ended up being exactly like that! My volume was getting loud ("this one goes to 11"...is how Cass described it ). As we entered triage the nurse looked me in the eye and told me I needed to calm down. That was before she checked me and realized what all the screaming was about. They rushed me off to the delivery room and I was ready to throw my attempt at a natural birth out the window. Fortunately, I didn't have a choice at this point, baby was on her way! Ten minutes after we got to the hospital she was born! I wouldn't have had it any other way. I got my wish to have her naturally and she is fantastically healthy. Her face was one big bruise from coming out so quickly and the cord was wrapped pretty tightly around her neck, but the nurses were so wonderful. We were extremely impressed with the staff and how quickly they handled the whole situation. I felt like it went perfectly.

    I was thankful to have my sweet husband by my side. He held my hand and stayed calm. It was an incredible experience to look over at his face during this precious moment. I think both of our us are overcome with gratitude for the growth of our family. I didn't think my heart could be anymore complete, but now I have a small glimpse of how Heavenly Father must feel about each of us.

   Sylvia has been a phenomenal eater and sleeps like an angel. We are overjoyed to have her in our lives...all though it feels like she's always been here.



  Sylvia is named after my favorite Miike Snow song. The name Sylvia means forest. We are firgue we have water (Saylor) and Earth (Sylvia), so our other kids should be named after fire and air, right? Her middle name Kaye is my middle name and a family name for five generations now.

  Saylor Mia is also handling the situation amazingly well. She loves her baby sister and is excited to play with her. She is already protective and often gives us instruction on how to properly care for her. I was afraid she would be confused and upset, but she doesn't seem threatened at all. I think it has really helped to have her Nana here to be her 24/7 playmate.

  We are extremely blessed to have so many people around us that have helped us through the pregnancy and after the birth. I don't know what we would have done without Cassidy's family and my family chipping in to pick up the pieces. We have had so many friends lend a helping hand to make this one of the most wonderful times in our lives. I can't say thank you enough!

Back in the Saddle

Starting school again has really put a damper on my blogging. I can tell I'm not as sharp as I usually am. I've also been super annoyed at my lame camera on my droid. So, regardless I still wanted to show off what I've been doing so far this semester....besides school work.

A few weeks ago our sweet friends, Dan and Eliz, made us a delicious vegetarian dinner. We hadn't even let the cat out of the bag (that I'm prego) when they brought me the perfect anti-nausea drink. It consisted of:

club soda

fresh ginger and

fresh lemon

delicious and easy on the sick belly.

 The entree was a very authentic tasting Indian dish that was a perfect complement to the fresh cantaloupe salad.

We concluded the evening with a lovely little acoustic jam session from Dan and Cassidy. One of the best date nights ever!

Saylor Mia has really been pushing my buttons lately. It's most likely the hormones getting the best of me, but my nerves are shot!She pesters poor little Curly-head until she screams. When I have to punish her it breaks my heart because she has the sweetest most innocent voice. It makes me forget almost instantly why she was in trouble. She's so tricky like that. The hardest part is that she is EXACTLY like me. Karma can be so cruel.

Baby Numero Dos

7 weeks

Yes, it's official. We are expecting a baby on or around April 27, 2012. As many of you may know I had a miscarriage this spring and was pretty bummed about that. So we are taking extra precautions with this little bun. I didn't even ride the water slides on our visit to Sunsplash over Labor Day. And so far, baby is right on track. Mommy on the other hand, has been praying to the porcelain Gods for the past month and is backed up worse than the I-10 on a Monday morning. It's been a bit of a difficult start, but I know it won't last forever. I wouldn't mind laying around all the time except a woman's got stuff do to!

It has FINALLY started to cool down. It has been rainy and overcast for the past several days and I couldn't be happier. I was so excited to put warm jamies on Saylor and even a little coat this evening. Sweater weather makes me happy!