a little crazy, but it's nice

Yesterday she said she "hates ruffles". Today she's wearing nothing but ruffles. She's fire and ice. She's a little sugar and a lot of spice. She is my spittin' image inside and out. I think that's what drives me nuts! Our new house is bitter sweet. She loves the adventure of new friends and new play space. But leaving Nana and things that have been home for the last year are difficult to say good-bye to. It's a good thing we still visit every other day!

Pay Day

Our little Zoellner family has been transitioning to another exciting chapter. Mommy WORKING! Cass has done an amazing job balancing school, housework and taking care of the girls. I've had mixed feelings about leaving the girls a few days a week, working nights and leaving all the mommy duties to daddy. I love taking care of my old people and it is extremely rewarding. But NOTHING takes the place of my babies. So days like today make it all a little easier. It was pay day so I told Saylor we could go anywhere she wanted to. She really wanted a lollipop so we went to the Eagle candy store. Just a slice of Heaven.

look up

I have always loved autumn. There is something so romantic about it. Even though it is super chilly here in Southern Idaho, I ventured out with my two ladies today. I seriously love these girls so much. I am so grateful for them. Even when they are crying in the middle of the night, pitching fits or not eating, I can't get enough of them. We took a walk to "the big park" and I never regret getting some fresh air. Going outside ALWAYS improves my mood. Lately, I've been in awe at nature. I sit outside and just look up. It helps me keep things in perspective. I feel little under the big sky and am instanly humbled.

I am thankful for the life lessons that blossom out of an hour on the sidewalk. 
I'm thankful for the cozy baby snuggled in my bed.
I'm thankful for parents who never stop caring about my happiness.
I am thankful for sisters who make me laugh.
I'm thankful for Cassidy's conversations in his sleep.
I'm thankful just for today.

This Just Got Real

Life is amazing. Every day I am in awe. I've been up and down a lot lately. I've been fighting this battle with myself. However, when I let God take over, life is a bowl of cherries! I've been hitting the gym and I'm down 19 LBS. I always have this voice in the back of my head that says, "I'll be happy when I'm skinny." But I'm here to say that I'm happy today! I've accomplished so much with my Heavenly Father help. I have so much to be grateful for. I'm just lucky to be alive.

I ran my first 5k several weeks ago at the St. Lukes Women's Celebration. This was a HUGE accomplishment for me. I never thought I would do something like this. It was such a blast. I ran with my sisters which made it even better. It gave me so much confidence. I'm not perfect and I stumble sometimes. Sometimes it's really hard to get back up. But God always makes up the difference if I let him. Little miracles keep popping up everyday. I'm the happiest when I notice them! I'm happy for the perspective I've gained as a result of spiritual experiences. I feel like a more useful mother. I'm ready for those hard questions. Like this morning when Saylor saw me on the scale and wanted to take a turn. She stood on the scale and asked, "what does it say, Mommy?" I happily replied, "it says your healthy, baby!" That's all that really matters. That we are healthy in our minds, in our souls and in our hearts...if it is in our power to have healthy bodies than we are extremely blessed.

On October 27th I'll be running my second 5k. THE COLOR RUN! I'm so excited. It's gonna be epic. Check it out!

I'm Mr. Manager!

   I have been running around like a mad woman lately. Summer is fading fast and I'm trying to get in as much fun as possible. Aside from all of my normal mommy duties I've also been helping my dad get his furniture business going. For those of you who watch Arrested Development, my family was calling me, "Mr. Manager". I've been working on his blog and we were welcomed at our first farmers market. Our sweet family came to support us. There was music, splash pad, food, face painting and of course our fellow vendors. We had some wonderful people next to our booth that lent us their canopy. They were life savers along with Uncle Curt who was in town for a few days. We were said to see that hog-riding uncle head back up to the North country. Here are a few highlights from the market!

I LOVE these boys!

Explore

This is how we do Saturdays. We explore. We share Subway sandwiches. We browse farmers markets. We find water. We sit in the sun. We love and are loved.

50 Things That I'm Grateful For

I'm taking some good advice and making a gratitude list. It gets my creative juices flowing and helps me see the bigger picture.I don't think it's any coincidence that tonight I packed all of my daughter's belongs away and put them in boxes until she can learn to be thankful for what she has. She literally has two outfits, one pair of shoes, a pillow and blanket. So I too must continue my ability to be grateful.

I am grateful for:

1.) knowledge of a living God
2.) my healthy body that  makes pretty babies
3.) robin's egg blue framed mirrors
4.) camping in Idaho 
5.) air conditioning
6.) mother's of Eagle Scouts
7.) the Ensign
8.) hair color for $16
9.) the Articles of Faith
10.)the 10th Step
11.) cell phones
12.) tomorrow
13.) Michelle Weber
14.) Mam's pacifiers
15.) old photographs taken before I was born, but of people I know
16.) my purple wrist watch
17.) kombucha
18.) childhood blankies
19.) summer smells
20.) adjusting to really cold lake water
21.) homemade burp clothes
22.) little eyes looking at me while I nurse
23.) love notes
24.) chalk board-worthy inspirations
25.) yesterday
26.) Jenny Zoellner
27.) how my mother gets Saylor breakfast so I can sleep in
28.) for my husband's job
29.) night-time noises
30.) monitarily worthless guitars
31.) the Friend
32.) my majestic king, Jax (my dog)
33.) second, third, fourth, one millionth chances
34.) letting go
35.) holding hands
36.) whisker kisses
37.) fuzzy baby heads
38.) Saylor's voice
39.) care packages from Gigi
40.) needing to cry and being in the right place to do it
41.) a good laugh from pintrest
42.) thrift store shirts that make me feel pretty
43.) milk supply worth bragging about
44.) a sleeping 3 year-old
45.) soundtracked moments
46.) conference talks
47.) non-memember friends quoting conference talks on facebook from pintrest
48.) greeting cards
49.) the snack cupboard
50.) washer 'n dryer

New Baby Thoughts

Sylvia Kaye- 2 Months

In light of recent family events ( the birth of Sylvia and two new nieces), I wanted to share a few things that have really helped me get through these first few months with my new little bundle of joy.

1.) Get motivated!
  If you have a shoe basket and at the bottom of that shoe basket are your running shoes....you're probably feeling large, out of control, and headed for your 16th "snack" for the day. Since our big move to Idaho I've really been trying to schedule in some mommy time. I've written down a food plan and committed to cardio exercise at least three times a week. Even if that means walking around the neighborhood while packing around baby in the carrier. Physical activity (at the right pace for your healing body) can do wonders for your mood and baby's!

2.) Got milk issues?
   Lactation woes are all too common with new mommies, but a few things that I have found REALLY help my milk supply, are drinking LOTS of water, high protien, and Traditional Medicinal brand Mothers Milk tea. Aqua is kind of a obvious solution, but the high protien diet I wouldn't have guessed. I've been drinking a supplement called Muscle Milk that 20grams of protien per bottle! I sampled some of my mom's and now I can't put it down (the supplement, not her breast milk. She's not even lactating)...Anyways, the Mothers Milk tea is sold in most grocery stores. Two or three cups a day of this herbal, organic, and caffiene free tea is guarnteed to increase your milk supply quicker than you'd expect.

3.) Don't be a hero, go for the drugs!
  This has been a little motto around our house lately. Drugs meaning anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. The baby blues are becoming more common especially in those women who already have a history of depression and/or anxiety. You want to be the best mommy you can be and it's important to be honest with yourself about how many changes you can handle at once. I was on a low dosage of anti-anxiety medication during my pregnancy and after baby girl came I discussed my mood decline with my OB and she suggested uping my dose. It has made a world of difference. I can be a better mommy when I've taken care of myself first! Mental health should be a top priority!

4.) Listen to your mommy instincts!  
   Stop Goggling about your baby's milestones, how much she should eat, weigh, sleep etc. Parenting books are based on generalizations and although they can be very helpful and point you in the right direction they should not be used as the letter of the law. You have a bond to your child that no one else does. Relax and watch for your babies cues about she needs. A routine is a good starting point, but don't beat yourself up if you have to adapt to baby's needs. As women we want to do everything right, especially when it comes to parenting. The truth is we are going to make ALOT of mistakes before we get the hang of things. Whether it's your first or your seventh child, each baby is different and has unique needs. Listen to advice with an open mind, but don't be so hard on yourself when baby has a hard time latching or she cries for 20 minutes before dozing off. Do YOUR best. That's all that matters. ( And yes, I do realize I just gave you advice about not taking advice.)

5.) Did you think to pray?
  I'd like to say that each morning the first thing I do is kneel beside my bed in peace and quiet and pour my heart out to my Heavenly Father. The truth is I rarely have adequete time, peace or quiet to pray before my day is set in motion by my crazy three year-old or hungry two month-old. It can be very difficult to find the right moment to express my concerns and thanks to my Father in Heaven. I'll admit that sometimes the first opportunity I have to be alone is while I'm sitting on the toliet. My point is, that on the days that I invite God into my parenting endeavors things seem to be just a little eaiser. I have more patience, more will-power, more love, and more optimism throughout the day.

   Parenting is a HUGE challenge, but nothing will bring you more satisfaction, more understanding, or more love than being a mommy. Keep the big picture in mind and the little things won't seem so bad. Snuggle that little bundle every chance you get and remember, "This too shall pass."

Nelya 2 Minutes-Old

Find the Trail

Old Penitentiary

Boise, Idaho

While hiking in Boise, Idaho, I enjoyed one of the most precious bonding experiences I've ever had with my two year-old daughter. Above a historic penitentiary is a steep winding trail over looking the Treasure Valley.

Exploring the natural world around me has always been one of my most beloved past times. As a parent my greatest joy is being the one to expose my child to the wonders of life. I watched as my child discovered something new with each little foot step and was very impressed with her endurance. She jogged along behind me, falling occasionally, but bouncing back just as quickly.

Occasionally she would loose the trail, wandering in tall grass, getting confused and tangled up. I would stand still and tell her to find the trail and keep going. She stayed determined without whining or complaining as she found the trail and continued on. I was filled with pride for my young daughter as she conquered the uneven path. It was her first hike so I didn't push her too hard. We climbed approximately a mile, passing lovely little flowers and greenery.

I was surprised when we stopped for water and my daughter was the one who sprung of the bench and said "I keep walking, mommy!" It was a remarkably pleasant event! I learned a little more about my daughter and about myself. My top five recommendations for anyone thinking of taking their toddler on a similar venture would be the following:

1.) Cover the knees:

the excitement of it all certainly adds to their already excessive clumsiness

2.) Point out the little things:

they'll be fascinated by the flowers, the rocks, the deer tracks, etc.

the details of nature can be like another universe to a child

3.) Make them work:

children now-a-days rarely have to endure a physically demanding activity

unless somebody requires it of them, don't be afraid to challenge your little trooper

it will make them a better person in the end

4.) Clap your hands say yeah!:

praise them for their hard work throughout the journey and at the end

clap your hands, shout for joy, cheer them on

help them understand what they have accomplished

you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar

5.) Come again:

not every outing will go smoothly, (duh) but if you make it a regular family activity

your children will look forward to these adventures and cherish the memories

for years to come!

A Country Girl From the Big City in a Small Town: Feeding the Wolves

Changes keep coming. Transition seems to be the endless stage of my life. In my heart are the beautiful rolling hills of the Palouse. I've been all over the West. I tried out Scottsdale, then Bend, Oregon, then back to the desert of Arizona and now I'm exploring the Southern farms of Idaho. Within these states I've moved too many times to keep track of. I've slept in queen beds, twin beds, on couches and floors. I've had legal residence in a handful of places and been a temporary house guest more times that I would have liked. I've ran away. I've been kicked out.

I've been invited in. I've traveled on foot, I've bummed a ride, I've driven away. I've traveled alone and I've had companions. Money has been earned and money has been spent. Few things have made it through the journey. It's funny how a new place makes you feel like a kid...wandering in a field or forest searching for something exciting and new. Although, even as a child you long for security. You long for a place to belong. A place to call home. I fear my own child is lacking this sense of home. I fear she won't possess the adaptability that I've acquired. I fear that her happiness will require her to obtain that quality.

The reality of it all though is that I am an adult. With the adventure comes the trials and the weakness to deal with all the changes. With the pressure of finding a job, starting school, finding a house, and all the other daily responsibilities I have found myself falling pray to compulsive behaviors that soothe my fears.

Yes, that's an Oreo covered donut with Oreo filling from Krispy Kreme. Any ounce of will power I may have had before this last week is now completely gone. I have been devouring everything in sight. I have eaten every bit of stress, pain, discomfort, anxiety, sadness, anger and disappointment that arises. And let me tell you...it tasted phenomenal. Not that I'm proud of myself. I haven't been able to let go. I've fought to hang on to my problems. Trying to control the world around me. I am obviously completely unable to overcome my compulsions. I don't want them. I am trying desperately to figure out how to give my weakness to God. He is the only one. Not that I am giving up responsibility. I am still required to humble myself. Without this humility...there is no hope.

"An elder Apache was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, 'A fight is going on inside me; it is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One wolf represents fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret, self-pity, guilt, resentment, lies, and pride. The other stands for joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. This same fight is going on inside you and inside of every other person too.' The grandchildren thought about the story for a minute and then one child asked his grandfather, 'Which wolf will win?' The old Grandpa replied, 'The one you feed.'"

Whether my feet are planted or I am running to freedom, the journey will not end. It will continue with each new sunrise. I choose which wolf to feed each morning. Most mornings I am ready to feed the joy-wolf. But then the self-pity-wolf sneaks up and lashes out at the other wolf. This battle is very real to me. I have long felt the tug of both sides.

Which wolf do you feed?

Where does it lead you?

When I feed the pride-wolf I am lost. I am irritable. I am unaware of the needs of other. I am unavailable and unable to help. The pride-wolf leads me to self-destruction. I indulge myself with immediate pleasures and regret my actions later.

BUT...

When I feed the joyful-wolf, I am full of light. I am filled with clarity. I am confident in my choices. God's love and presence is near.

There is so much hope in my life right now. There is still a transition occurring..in fact one of the biggest that I've ever been apart of. The wolves with continue to ravage my soul, but I am being handed so many tools to feed the truth-wolf. This hope comes in the form of sincere prayer asking God to remove these weaknesses. The hope has come from attending my first meeting in Idaho. I finally began my step one today. As in step one of tweleve. In all honesty I am a little scared and very curious about what is going to be revealed. My next tool will be the help of a sponsor. Timing is so key in all of this and although transition is constant..the time is now.

Back to Nature

My poor, dear little angel was so sick yesterday. She wasn't holding any food down and the only thing that seemed to be helping was the fresh air. So, it was perfect that the family planned a beautiful little nature walk this afternoon.

The design of the trails was very clever and had several of these fish view tanks along the way.

Saylor was very observant. Still recovering, she was not her normal bubbly-self. She quietly followed her older cousins along the trail. It was a beautiful day...perfect weather!

Emily and Brittanie...my two older sister and some of the best woman I know!

My sister's and I have not been altogether in about two years. The parade of strollers reminds us that we aren't little girls anymore. The time has come that we would always talk about as we were growing-up. The time when we would laugh about what kind of people we would be, how many kids we would have and what kind things we would be doing. Besides Brittany sticking to her dream of being a nurse, not much has turned out how we planned. Being together feels like home...especially in the beautiful trees of Idaho!

Saylor Mia...Oh, the joy this child brings to my life. Nothing has brought me more satisfaction than watching my dear little baby grow. Day by day, I see the development of her personality, her features and her compassion. It's not always easy, and I my biggest weakness is patience. But, I have learned so much about myself as a person by being her mother. She has changed me for the better..in many ways she has saved me. She is so fragile, so delicate. I would do anything for her. My heart ached for her this week. I would do anything to take away her suffering. Someone said to be recently that "women are saved in child birth." Meaning that a loving mother learns what so many people struggle with. The learn to give up themselves and devote their lives to someone else. Their WHOLE selves...body, mind and spirit.

I am truly amazed at the variety of pants, flowers and trees that Heavenly Father has created. I have come to appreciate the native planets in Arizona. They are very unique and beautiful in their own way. However, there is something special about the natural beauty of the Northwest. These lovely little flowers caught my eye and my picture does not do them justice.

I wanted to get a picture of these giant pinecones...Audrey then shoved Brennan out of the picture because, well...he didn't have a pinecone.

We concluded our outing with a picnic and a little surprise from baby Wesley. Poor guy had diarrhea all the way up his chest. The sickness has offically worked it's way around our entire family! I hope that was the last of it. I need to study up on some remedies for preventing these colds stomach sickness...maybe an upcoming post subject!

This Nature Center is located in Boise Idaho off of Myrtle on Park Blvd...It's free and there is plenty to see an do. The park right next to it is very large, green and full of squirrels. If you are in the area I highly recommend it!