3 Ways to improve your self-esteem

I have purposefully avoided the self-esteem topic for several months now. It is such a ridiculous struggle that I get so sick of hearing about and dealing with. I am embarrassed to admit that I still fall into this shallow, self-pitying dilemma. Logically, I know all of the many reasons why I should love myself. The primary reason being that I am a daughter of God who deserves love, respect and to be nurtured...especially by me. I know that if I don't love myself first that two things will happen. First, I will not understand how anyone could love me so I will look for reasons to disprove any such evidence, therefore stifling and damaging vital relationships. I don't see the love that is being expressed and use that as further proof that I am undeserving of such a gift. 

The second issue that will arise if I don't love myself is that I will lose the ability to genuinely care for others. My lack of compassion for myself becomes projected onto other people. I'm quick to find fault, especially those I care about most. My children, my husband, my parents and siblings are constantly unable to fulfill my high expectations. They continually let me down, irritate me, hurt my feelings or annoy me. 

So, why does this problem still occur? I have come leaps and bounds from where I was as an insecure teenager, but at sensitive moments, such as pregnancy, those same waves of insecurity come flooding back. Because I often base my self-worth solely on my physical appearance, my confidence is deflated when unpleasant changes in my body occur. I think most women experience this to some degree, which is why I want to share my thoughts. Here are a few key points that have helped improve my self-esteem.

1.) Honest Self-evaluation

When I evaluate myself, honestly, I can find many beautiful and wonderful attributes. Yes, I make mistakes, but generally I am a good person. I am a caring wife and mother. I can share my talents, experiences, hope, creativity and compassion easily with others. When we look deep inside ourselves we can all find those innate characteristics that make us amazing people. It was recommended to me that I make a list of all the things I do well. When I couldn't think of anything else I had to ask someone close to me (such as a spouse or parent) what else I could add to the list. It was really amazing to see everything on paper that I did well. Even if it is something as simple as being punctual or making really yummy mint-lemonade. Beauty comes in many forms. 

2.) Forgive Yourself

When I forgive myself of my faults, my past and everyday shortcomings, I can move forward with a more positive perspective. There will always be the haters. There will always be those little voices in your head or in real life pointing out your imperfections. But rather than indulging those voices I have to make a conscious choice to ignore and even contest those accusations. I stop those comments or thoughts with a strong and calm, "no, that's not true. I'm really good person." As corny as it sounds, when self-forgiveness and positive self-talk become a habit it's hard to get caught up in shallow things like the number on the scale. 

3.) Stop Comparing

As a Christian I believe that envy and jealousy are sins. Yet, they are subtle and therefore creep in almost unnoticed on a daily basis. I look at other women's bodies, hair, clothes, make-up, house, car, the way her children are dressed, career, etc., etc....and I make a quick determination if I rank higher or lower than her. That split-second evaluation is deadly to my self-esteem! In these moments I'm either giving myself credit for something superficial or punishing myself for something that doesn't matter. This has been refereed to by mental health professionals as "self-plagiarism". Comparing ourselves to others is a completely inaccurate evaluation of self-worth. We will continually be disappointed in our findings.   

As I expressed earlier, we all go through phases of being self-confident and less-than-so. There is always growth to be made. Finding love for myself and understanding that as a human being my life has worth, is extremely powerful and liberating. It may seem so simple and basic to some, but for those of us who have lived without this belief, it means the difference between a life of happiness or misery.

You are beautiful!

Filling up my bucket

I suppose this is the time of year when we all reflect and recommit ourselves to our various causes. For me this began several weeks ago as I realized there were certain things in my conduct that were not in harmony with my beliefs. To be specific, my temper. As mothers we have a bucket. We give and give and give out of our bucket until pretty soon we have nothing left to give. If we don't refill our bucket then we break down, blow up and freak out. As I reached out to those people and resources that I knew could help me I recognized how empty my bucket has been. As soon as things would start to get sticky, I would blow up. Unfortunately, this most commonly occurred with my children or my husband.

  This bucket I'm talking about can be filled with a number of things. It's all those things that make up our health. Our bucket can be filled up with physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual stimuli. It's easy to get caught up in our role as a mother and put our needs last in the name of self-sacrifice. However, I'm realizing playing the martyr really does no one any good.  When mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy...am I right?

  So this year, I'm putting away the mommy guilt and planning to keep my bucket full. My intellectual aspect is this blog. It allows me get all of the racing thoughts out and my wheels turning.  How are you planning to keep your bucket full in 2014?

12.12.12

 

 

Ode to Arizona

Watching Tank

Rhinestone Cowboy

Abandoned

Grandfather

Wherever the Wind May Take Us

Great-Great Billie

Tree of Life

After four years of living in the Arizona desert I am saying good-bye. I never thought that it would be difficult. Whether I liked it or not, after four years....the desert became my home. I met my husband there. It is were both my daughters were born. My "extended" family became my familia. I cried as I left. I am happy for the memories and friends I made in the desert. These are a few of the last moments I spent in Arizona. I feel a sense of pride having lived in the land of cowboys and Indians. I will not forget the lessons the desert taught me. There are so many people that I love in Arizona. I owe many of my friends and loved ones in Mesa an apology. I have not been in very good contact. Maybe it is selfish, but it hurts to hear the voices of those I left behind. As an adult I have become quite sentimental. Please accept my apology if you haven't heard from me. I promise we will talk soon. For now, Adios Amigos!

50 Things That I'm Grateful For

I'm taking some good advice and making a gratitude list. It gets my creative juices flowing and helps me see the bigger picture.I don't think it's any coincidence that tonight I packed all of my daughter's belongs away and put them in boxes until she can learn to be thankful for what she has. She literally has two outfits, one pair of shoes, a pillow and blanket. So I too must continue my ability to be grateful.

I am grateful for:

1.) knowledge of a living God
2.) my healthy body that  makes pretty babies
3.) robin's egg blue framed mirrors
4.) camping in Idaho 
5.) air conditioning
6.) mother's of Eagle Scouts
7.) the Ensign
8.) hair color for $16
9.) the Articles of Faith
10.)the 10th Step
11.) cell phones
12.) tomorrow
13.) Michelle Weber
14.) Mam's pacifiers
15.) old photographs taken before I was born, but of people I know
16.) my purple wrist watch
17.) kombucha
18.) childhood blankies
19.) summer smells
20.) adjusting to really cold lake water
21.) homemade burp clothes
22.) little eyes looking at me while I nurse
23.) love notes
24.) chalk board-worthy inspirations
25.) yesterday
26.) Jenny Zoellner
27.) how my mother gets Saylor breakfast so I can sleep in
28.) for my husband's job
29.) night-time noises
30.) monitarily worthless guitars
31.) the Friend
32.) my majestic king, Jax (my dog)
33.) second, third, fourth, one millionth chances
34.) letting go
35.) holding hands
36.) whisker kisses
37.) fuzzy baby heads
38.) Saylor's voice
39.) care packages from Gigi
40.) needing to cry and being in the right place to do it
41.) a good laugh from pintrest
42.) thrift store shirts that make me feel pretty
43.) milk supply worth bragging about
44.) a sleeping 3 year-old
45.) soundtracked moments
46.) conference talks
47.) non-memember friends quoting conference talks on facebook from pintrest
48.) greeting cards
49.) the snack cupboard
50.) washer 'n dryer

New Baby Thoughts

Sylvia Kaye- 2 Months

In light of recent family events ( the birth of Sylvia and two new nieces), I wanted to share a few things that have really helped me get through these first few months with my new little bundle of joy.

1.) Get motivated!
  If you have a shoe basket and at the bottom of that shoe basket are your running shoes....you're probably feeling large, out of control, and headed for your 16th "snack" for the day. Since our big move to Idaho I've really been trying to schedule in some mommy time. I've written down a food plan and committed to cardio exercise at least three times a week. Even if that means walking around the neighborhood while packing around baby in the carrier. Physical activity (at the right pace for your healing body) can do wonders for your mood and baby's!

2.) Got milk issues?
   Lactation woes are all too common with new mommies, but a few things that I have found REALLY help my milk supply, are drinking LOTS of water, high protien, and Traditional Medicinal brand Mothers Milk tea. Aqua is kind of a obvious solution, but the high protien diet I wouldn't have guessed. I've been drinking a supplement called Muscle Milk that 20grams of protien per bottle! I sampled some of my mom's and now I can't put it down (the supplement, not her breast milk. She's not even lactating)...Anyways, the Mothers Milk tea is sold in most grocery stores. Two or three cups a day of this herbal, organic, and caffiene free tea is guarnteed to increase your milk supply quicker than you'd expect.

3.) Don't be a hero, go for the drugs!
  This has been a little motto around our house lately. Drugs meaning anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. The baby blues are becoming more common especially in those women who already have a history of depression and/or anxiety. You want to be the best mommy you can be and it's important to be honest with yourself about how many changes you can handle at once. I was on a low dosage of anti-anxiety medication during my pregnancy and after baby girl came I discussed my mood decline with my OB and she suggested uping my dose. It has made a world of difference. I can be a better mommy when I've taken care of myself first! Mental health should be a top priority!

4.) Listen to your mommy instincts!  
   Stop Goggling about your baby's milestones, how much she should eat, weigh, sleep etc. Parenting books are based on generalizations and although they can be very helpful and point you in the right direction they should not be used as the letter of the law. You have a bond to your child that no one else does. Relax and watch for your babies cues about she needs. A routine is a good starting point, but don't beat yourself up if you have to adapt to baby's needs. As women we want to do everything right, especially when it comes to parenting. The truth is we are going to make ALOT of mistakes before we get the hang of things. Whether it's your first or your seventh child, each baby is different and has unique needs. Listen to advice with an open mind, but don't be so hard on yourself when baby has a hard time latching or she cries for 20 minutes before dozing off. Do YOUR best. That's all that matters. ( And yes, I do realize I just gave you advice about not taking advice.)

5.) Did you think to pray?
  I'd like to say that each morning the first thing I do is kneel beside my bed in peace and quiet and pour my heart out to my Heavenly Father. The truth is I rarely have adequete time, peace or quiet to pray before my day is set in motion by my crazy three year-old or hungry two month-old. It can be very difficult to find the right moment to express my concerns and thanks to my Father in Heaven. I'll admit that sometimes the first opportunity I have to be alone is while I'm sitting on the toliet. My point is, that on the days that I invite God into my parenting endeavors things seem to be just a little eaiser. I have more patience, more will-power, more love, and more optimism throughout the day.

   Parenting is a HUGE challenge, but nothing will bring you more satisfaction, more understanding, or more love than being a mommy. Keep the big picture in mind and the little things won't seem so bad. Snuggle that little bundle every chance you get and remember, "This too shall pass."

Nelya 2 Minutes-Old

Vegetarian Follow-Up

After 30 days of not consuming any meat I ended my vegetarian experiment. It was refreshing and it felt good to try something new. In all honesty, I didn't notice any difference. My appetite was is the same, my face is still covered in zits, etc. etc. The most rewarding part of the experiment was gain a sense of control over what I was eating. I felt proud that I was able to stick to a plan without feeling desperate for a cheeseburger. Now that I have introduced meat back into my diet I notice that I am thinking about food more and what I CAN eat.

I feel it's safe to say that at least for me, my diet does not affect my natural oil secretion and therefore does not affect the number of out breaks I have. When conducting this experiment in the future I'd like to try it for a longer period of time. Possible six months to a year.

I just wanted to actually follow up on one of my blogs. I feel like I always say I'm going to track my progress of things and rarely do! So, there you go! I actually followed through! Woo hoo!

Candid Creation

I have felt so overwhelmed with emotions for my family. We had the privilege of spending a lot of time together this past holiday weekend.  There have been so many little things that have made me smile lately. I love how my little family is growing and learning, together and individually. Each person has needs and desires. It's hard to find a healthy balance to make everyone happy or satisfied. I find the more I give and sacrifice the happier I am. Even though we live in a little apartment, nothing fancy, I enjoy personalizing it and making it a home. It is a place that my family and I have in common for a sense of safety, peace and refuge. It is important to me to make that environment comfortable and as pleasant as possible.

Saylor and I have been thrift store shopping. I found this adorable pillow case at Mesa Thrift and I fell in love with it. I want to get a matching bed set for Saylor's new big girl bed.

I am so proud to have this piece of furniture. My father has always had a talent for wood working, but over the past few years has really devoted significant time to perfecting his craft. I have several pieces placed in my home. Saylor takes so much pride in her custom princess bed. In this picture alone you can see the toy box, rocking chair and bed which are signature pieces by my father. I am so impressed by the development of his skills and the many treasures he has constructed for our family over the years. They hold special memories and I'm sure the sentiment will only become stronger as the years pass. Thanks, Dad!

Daddy's idea of keeping an eye on Saylor. She likes to bury people with her toys. The mess means there's people living here.  I'm thankful that Cass can find a moment to relax within the chaos of our lives.

'thrifting'

I don't know why, but this little fashionista makes me think of 'little miss muffet'. 

The simple pleasures of being a Nanny.  Creation is a innate God-like characteristic. When there isn't time left in the day to create something breath-takingly fantastic; play. Resort to playdough,  crayons, Mr. Potato Head, a puzzle or some blocks. Create something. I spend most of my time trying to create order and rarely achieving it. I have few minutes here and there to blog or improve my domestic skills and it keeps me smiling. What do you create?

I am dreaming

    I am dreaming each day, that I can find my way.
Peace in my heart. I am here now. Things won't always be this hard. I am dreaming of a day when I can make breakfast with my favorite music playing. On that day I will be healthy. Things will be pretty. I will tend a delicate garden. I will pick fresh fruit and breathe fresh air.
I am dreaming. My daughter will go to school in a classic little outfit. I will have brushed her hair and kissed her cheeks. I will not worry. I will send her away to a happy little place where she has fun and plays with friends. I will not worry. I will not fight with myself.
      My heart will be open. I will work everyday to be successful in love. I will wrap my arms around my husband and kiss him....and he will stay. He will hold me. Together we will pray for the safety of our love. I am dreaming of a day.  I will chat with friends and neighbors. We'll laugh and joke and sing. I will share my smile. I'm hopeful of these things. I am dreaming I am dreaming. I am dreaming.

Each day I get older. "The song I came to sing remains unsung to this day.
I have spent my days in stringing
and in unstringing my instrument."

   I am dreaming of the chance just to be free. I want those times, admiration and affection. Freedom from a pain that self-indulgence sows. I'll share my freedom with everyone who knows. In my dream I will surrender, to all things honest and true. Even if their painful, even if their new. Acknowledgement enlightens my heart. Bringing healing. Always kneeling. I am dreaming of a morning so bright. I'm getting closer each day. I will find my pleasantries. I will wash away.

Loosely Light Hearted

My biggest guilty pleasure. There is something so satisfying about McDonalds fries.

...."my scriptures"......

A lovely surprise for Saylor and I. Everytime we leave the house now she asks "where the rainbow go?"

..When she loved me.....

A family speciality...CARMEL CORN!! Normally traditional around Halloween...my mom has surprised us with more frequent batches throughout the year! One of the best gooey treats!

Complete peace. Much needed relaxation for my sweet angel in the safety of her Nana's care.

After creating this scrap card for a friend I stepped back realizing it looks strikingly familiar. My Grandma Stevens often wears brochs that look almost exactly like this. It made me laugh aloud.

This silly little pair made me laugh as well. Especially since we were on our way to Wal-mart...think how well they will fit in. I love the winter coat with flip flops.

The light of the road........

The innocence. Oh, the BEAUTY of innocence.

"Keep it to Yourself, It's My Life"

The response that I have received from my most recent posts have been less than supportive. I can honestly say that I have been caught off guard with the level of negativity and criticism that readers have expressed. One reader expressed that "I must not really love my husband because I left when he needed me the most." Comments have been made that it's wrong that I get paid for writting about my husbands suffering. I'd like to clarify that I have not recieved ANY money so far for blogging. The Adsense opportunity does not pay until you have accrued $100. I have earned roughly $30 in the year that I've been blogging. So the idea that money is my motive for blogging about my families problems is pretty damn silly.

As hurtful as some of these comments are they have also opened my mind to another perspective. I've had to make tough choices and maybe I made the wrong ones. I am not perfect. I have been under an emense amount of pressure. I have been scared. I've been concerned about my daughters welfare. Nothing has been finalized. Situations like this take time, prayer, and enough time for both parties to express their needs.

I have counciled with many different sources about my particular issue. The only person's opinion that I am concerned about is my Heavenly Father's. All I can do is pray and study and be sensitive to the promptings of his holy spirit. I've been grateful for all the feed back I've recieved because I know there are many elements to be considered. It's MOST helpful to hear from people who have been in this same situation. Outsiders who have NO experience with addiction and are to quick open their mouths are just plain ridiculous.

I do want to say that I LOVE my husband. I have struggled (like most wives) to succeed in my marriage. My husband and I came from unique backgrounds as an LDS couple. We have had unique challenges and have grown tremendously. I admire my husband for his humility and his unwavoring love for me. His sensitivity is remarkable. He is simply trying to do his best with the tools he has been given. We all have dark times in our lives but what matters is how we choose to handle them. By accessing the atonement of Jesus Christ we can face our futures with faith. We can be healed and restored through his grace. There is much WORK to be done in ALL of our hearts. Honesty to ourselves is critical for lasting happiness. Eventually white lies to ourselves dig a dark hole and we can't decipher between good and evil.

The LDS Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) has developed wonderful support groups for spouses and family members affected by addiction. I plan to attend meetings here in Idaho and strongly encourage anyone dealing with this issues to do the same.

(http://providentliving.org/content/list/0,11664,4177-1,00.html)

The Reality of Imperfection and Humanity

It hit me the other day while sifting through super cute blogs, that although blogging can be very therapeutic and fulfilling it can also be somewhat decieving. The reader is only exposed to what the blogger WANTS them to see. The material is only as honest as the blogger is willing to be. It also depends on the audience I suppose. I find myself censoring much of what I REALLY want to say because I'm afraid of who will read it. So I'd like to devote this post to the reality of MY life.

The majority of my time is spent unshowered, in my comfies (that I only wash when I can visibly see that they need to be washed), my face covered in zits, while sitting in my living room.

I've been attempting to potty train this little angel for almost a year now...

...and she still poops in her pants daily....

....I've threatened to spank her if she has an accident....

....chances are, if you walk into our house at any given moment...this is where you will find my daughter. I swore I would never be one of THOSE parents who stuck their kid in front of the TV all day....but I get pretty lazy, and this is easier.

...I've struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. I attempted to treat my symtoms with drugs and alcohol for roughly six years. I've pushed away painful emotions by eating compulsively and I fight it daily, I've gained 20lbs in a year. Yup....

...I leave my daughter alone maybe longer than I should.....

...after almost four years of sobriety my husband relapsed on perscription pain medication that I had been perscribed after having a miscarriage. Addiction is a part of our lives. It sucks, but when I look at it from an outside perspective I find myself cracking up about the whole thing.

..against medical adivce, I suggested he tough out withdrawls. I dragged him to yoga with me and sought the advice of a certified herbalist to help with the detox. It's amazing what you can get your husband to when he's in the dog house.

I can't afford to dress trendy or stock up on craft supplies. I don't have a beautiful photography talent and I've never ran a marathon. I yell at my kid and say words in her presence that two year-olds probably shouldn't hear. I procrastinate and I although I am passionate about lots of issues I rarely live up to my own advice.

Like most woman I like to be surrounded by beautiful things. It's nice to look at someone's slide show of goodies in their life but, sometimes it's hard to relate to perfection. I love the gospel and I know the church is true. My testimony is my lifeline. I don't expect Heavenly Father to solve my problems or make me happy...but he makes things bareable.

"...but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." -1 Corinthians 10:13

I have to work at my happiness. I have to work for good grades. I struggle to be patient and kind. I feed my child candy and processed foods on a regular basis. I judge others too quickly because I am insecure. I am imperfect, but there is a beautiful thing about imperfection; I need help. I am in need of healing.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficent for all me that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things becoem strong unto them." -Ether 12:27

I look back on the spiritual progress that I have made in my life and I can honestly attribute every step to the guidance of my Savior Jesus Christ. I approach each new phase of my life thinking "there is no why I can do this," and some how I make it through, stronger and wiser. I love my fellow bloggers. They are encouraging. They motivate me to become better. I am grateful for the stories that expose they person behind the blogger. I'm thankful to be a part of this community. It's helped me to develop my talents and helped me open up. I hope that others feel comfortable asking questions and sharing similiar experiences. I also hope I do not offend anyone, as that is not my intention. With that I'll pass....