Sylvia

Sylvia Kaye Zoellner

04/19/12

7 lbs 1 oz

    Here she is world. The bundle of joy that we have been waiting for! Miss Sylvia Kaye Zoellner was born at 12:51am April 19th 2012. My water broke around 10:30pm and my contractions were getting intense, but I delayed going to the hospital because we had a false alarm the week before and I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. I was afraid maybe I was mistaken and that this was just false labor. Luckily, my mom and Cassidy were there to help. Cass, did an amazing job getting me in the car and to the hospital. I had told him through out the pregnancy that it's not like you see the movies with the dad speeding to the hospital. It ended up being exactly like that! My volume was getting loud ("this one goes to 11"...is how Cass described it ). As we entered triage the nurse looked me in the eye and told me I needed to calm down. That was before she checked me and realized what all the screaming was about. They rushed me off to the delivery room and I was ready to throw my attempt at a natural birth out the window. Fortunately, I didn't have a choice at this point, baby was on her way! Ten minutes after we got to the hospital she was born! I wouldn't have had it any other way. I got my wish to have her naturally and she is fantastically healthy. Her face was one big bruise from coming out so quickly and the cord was wrapped pretty tightly around her neck, but the nurses were so wonderful. We were extremely impressed with the staff and how quickly they handled the whole situation. I felt like it went perfectly.

    I was thankful to have my sweet husband by my side. He held my hand and stayed calm. It was an incredible experience to look over at his face during this precious moment. I think both of our us are overcome with gratitude for the growth of our family. I didn't think my heart could be anymore complete, but now I have a small glimpse of how Heavenly Father must feel about each of us.

   Sylvia has been a phenomenal eater and sleeps like an angel. We are overjoyed to have her in our lives...all though it feels like she's always been here.



  Sylvia is named after my favorite Miike Snow song. The name Sylvia means forest. We are firgue we have water (Saylor) and Earth (Sylvia), so our other kids should be named after fire and air, right? Her middle name Kaye is my middle name and a family name for five generations now.

  Saylor Mia is also handling the situation amazingly well. She loves her baby sister and is excited to play with her. She is already protective and often gives us instruction on how to properly care for her. I was afraid she would be confused and upset, but she doesn't seem threatened at all. I think it has really helped to have her Nana here to be her 24/7 playmate.

  We are extremely blessed to have so many people around us that have helped us through the pregnancy and after the birth. I don't know what we would have done without Cassidy's family and my family chipping in to pick up the pieces. We have had so many friends lend a helping hand to make this one of the most wonderful times in our lives. I can't say thank you enough!

Mean Kids

How do you handle mean kids on the playground? You know when one child is excluded from the group and everyone runs away from them? That was Saylor today and it was breaking my heart. She was so sweet and innocent. A group of older kids (maybe 6 or 7 year olds) were saying, "she's coming! Run away! She's little, don't let her get by us." She was pretending to be a puppy or chasing after them saying, "hey friends, wait!" She loves interacting with other kids. It's what she lives for. Luckily, she didn't understand exactly what was going on and so her feelings weren't hurt. I couldn't stand around and wait for her to figure out what was going on so I packed her up and we left.


As I review the situation now, I realize I could have made lemonade out of lemons. I could have gently asked the children if they could play a different game that included everyone. Or I could have loving persuaded Saylor to let me push her on the swings. However, my emotions were too much at the time. I couldn't stand watching my sweet little child be treated poorly.


I realized how naive I am today. There is so much I can't protect my child from and it kills me. I don't want her feelings to get hurt. I want her to have kind loving friends who are good examples. Unfortunately, this is the real world. Kids are going to be mean. She is going to feel lonely at times. I won't always be there to hold her and reassure her. How do I prepare her for all of this? How do I prepare myself?!

Primary Responsibility

Each day I am faced with thousands of choices. What to wear, where to go, who to see, what to do, how to behave, what music to listen to, etc. I have approached a fork in the road. Each step I take seems like a critical choice. I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to devote enough time to everything (and everyone) that is important to me. I feel the biggest choice I make each day is how I will budget my time. What will most of my energy go into today? Unfortunately, I often find that I am thinking of myself and my problems. After praying and pondering about how I can be more centered I was reminded of the Proclamation on the Family. In this inspired document, my responsibilities are very clearly outlined in one simple sentence; "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." After feeling like the rope in a tug-of-war, the previous sentence brought me relief. It is a win, win situation. When we choose to be devoted to our children we reap great blessings. To help put my renewed focus into action I wrote down a few main points/goals on the subject.

to be the best mother possible, I must do the following:

a.) be aware of Saylor's physical, emotional, social and spiritual needs

b.) be a good wife and example of a virtuous woman

c.) attend to her welfare

d.) live the lessons I am teaching her

e.) show her that I love her

As much as I struggle to be a good mother, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Motherhood has made me, stronger, happier, and more committed to my beliefs. I am so blessed to be a woman! It is almost too much to truly appreciate. Being a mother has brought me a sense of confidence and accomplishment. As long as my child is well cared for I have no reason to feel inadequate. The chaos of life seems to simmer as I gear my energy towards playing Hi-Ho Cherry-O with my two year-old. Even on the worst days, there is no where else I'd rather be! Being a mother is my primary responsibility.

"Keep it to Yourself, It's My Life"

The response that I have received from my most recent posts have been less than supportive. I can honestly say that I have been caught off guard with the level of negativity and criticism that readers have expressed. One reader expressed that "I must not really love my husband because I left when he needed me the most." Comments have been made that it's wrong that I get paid for writting about my husbands suffering. I'd like to clarify that I have not recieved ANY money so far for blogging. The Adsense opportunity does not pay until you have accrued $100. I have earned roughly $30 in the year that I've been blogging. So the idea that money is my motive for blogging about my families problems is pretty damn silly.

As hurtful as some of these comments are they have also opened my mind to another perspective. I've had to make tough choices and maybe I made the wrong ones. I am not perfect. I have been under an emense amount of pressure. I have been scared. I've been concerned about my daughters welfare. Nothing has been finalized. Situations like this take time, prayer, and enough time for both parties to express their needs.

I have counciled with many different sources about my particular issue. The only person's opinion that I am concerned about is my Heavenly Father's. All I can do is pray and study and be sensitive to the promptings of his holy spirit. I've been grateful for all the feed back I've recieved because I know there are many elements to be considered. It's MOST helpful to hear from people who have been in this same situation. Outsiders who have NO experience with addiction and are to quick open their mouths are just plain ridiculous.

I do want to say that I LOVE my husband. I have struggled (like most wives) to succeed in my marriage. My husband and I came from unique backgrounds as an LDS couple. We have had unique challenges and have grown tremendously. I admire my husband for his humility and his unwavoring love for me. His sensitivity is remarkable. He is simply trying to do his best with the tools he has been given. We all have dark times in our lives but what matters is how we choose to handle them. By accessing the atonement of Jesus Christ we can face our futures with faith. We can be healed and restored through his grace. There is much WORK to be done in ALL of our hearts. Honesty to ourselves is critical for lasting happiness. Eventually white lies to ourselves dig a dark hole and we can't decipher between good and evil.

The LDS Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) has developed wonderful support groups for spouses and family members affected by addiction. I plan to attend meetings here in Idaho and strongly encourage anyone dealing with this issues to do the same.

(http://providentliving.org/content/list/0,11664,4177-1,00.html)

In My Place

Wow! Like most weeks I have been a whirlwind of emotion and learning. I have really felt a wealth of lessons to be learned pouring down on me right now in almost every area of my life. I'm learning how to be a supportive, loving, non-selfish wife. I'm learning how to be a caring, devoted, understanding mother. I am learning to be confident, forgiving, and happy in myself. I have some how turned into one of the those people that has to WORK to be happy. As a child I was so care free and easy going. Like most adults, I've made things complicated. I am learning to accept my Heavenly Father's help in all of this. I'm learning how to be a delagent and teachable student.

I am learning to TRUST God's plan for me. I am learning to see him in every aspect of my life. Just when I'm not sure if I can go any further he picks up the pieces and puts me back in myt place. I am learning about money and time and the extensive organization that it takes to balance both. I'm learning about HEALTHY relationships. Relationships with my mother, my daughter, my visiting teaching sisters, my husband, food, Christ, myself, the Earth, strangers. I feel a transition of "letting go" opening up a new type of intelligence. Organization of thoughts through conversation, journaling, blogging, brings so much more depth to the initial idea. How great it is to learn, to share, and to observe.

I was almost unaware of the extent of growth I had accomplished over the last week and the emotional doors that I unlocked until I broke down this morning. It was a beautiful start to the day...snuggling in bed with Saylor, prayers, a cup of tea, perfect work-out at the gym, and then as I began my yoga poses I felt a wave of emotion come over me. I received a text from my husband mentioning our recent miscarriage. It has been more than a month since we lost what would have been our first baby together. It wasn't being reminded of the event that brought me to tears, it was the fact that I was ready to accept and face the pain...willingly. My heart was full and happy and content and I found the place where I could give my pain away. I broke down and sobbed for about a half an hour. I then dried my tears, had a glass of water and continued my day.

I can find peace and serenity in living according to God's will and time line. I have faith that he will lead me to brighter future. I am constantly learning and finding more understanding in the mysteries of this life, day by day.