3 Ways to improve your self-esteem

I have purposefully avoided the self-esteem topic for several months now. It is such a ridiculous struggle that I get so sick of hearing about and dealing with. I am embarrassed to admit that I still fall into this shallow, self-pitying dilemma. Logically, I know all of the many reasons why I should love myself. The primary reason being that I am a daughter of God who deserves love, respect and to be nurtured...especially by me. I know that if I don't love myself first that two things will happen. First, I will not understand how anyone could love me so I will look for reasons to disprove any such evidence, therefore stifling and damaging vital relationships. I don't see the love that is being expressed and use that as further proof that I am undeserving of such a gift. 

The second issue that will arise if I don't love myself is that I will lose the ability to genuinely care for others. My lack of compassion for myself becomes projected onto other people. I'm quick to find fault, especially those I care about most. My children, my husband, my parents and siblings are constantly unable to fulfill my high expectations. They continually let me down, irritate me, hurt my feelings or annoy me. 

So, why does this problem still occur? I have come leaps and bounds from where I was as an insecure teenager, but at sensitive moments, such as pregnancy, those same waves of insecurity come flooding back. Because I often base my self-worth solely on my physical appearance, my confidence is deflated when unpleasant changes in my body occur. I think most women experience this to some degree, which is why I want to share my thoughts. Here are a few key points that have helped improve my self-esteem.

1.) Honest Self-evaluation

When I evaluate myself, honestly, I can find many beautiful and wonderful attributes. Yes, I make mistakes, but generally I am a good person. I am a caring wife and mother. I can share my talents, experiences, hope, creativity and compassion easily with others. When we look deep inside ourselves we can all find those innate characteristics that make us amazing people. It was recommended to me that I make a list of all the things I do well. When I couldn't think of anything else I had to ask someone close to me (such as a spouse or parent) what else I could add to the list. It was really amazing to see everything on paper that I did well. Even if it is something as simple as being punctual or making really yummy mint-lemonade. Beauty comes in many forms. 

2.) Forgive Yourself

When I forgive myself of my faults, my past and everyday shortcomings, I can move forward with a more positive perspective. There will always be the haters. There will always be those little voices in your head or in real life pointing out your imperfections. But rather than indulging those voices I have to make a conscious choice to ignore and even contest those accusations. I stop those comments or thoughts with a strong and calm, "no, that's not true. I'm really good person." As corny as it sounds, when self-forgiveness and positive self-talk become a habit it's hard to get caught up in shallow things like the number on the scale. 

3.) Stop Comparing

As a Christian I believe that envy and jealousy are sins. Yet, they are subtle and therefore creep in almost unnoticed on a daily basis. I look at other women's bodies, hair, clothes, make-up, house, car, the way her children are dressed, career, etc., etc....and I make a quick determination if I rank higher or lower than her. That split-second evaluation is deadly to my self-esteem! In these moments I'm either giving myself credit for something superficial or punishing myself for something that doesn't matter. This has been refereed to by mental health professionals as "self-plagiarism". Comparing ourselves to others is a completely inaccurate evaluation of self-worth. We will continually be disappointed in our findings.   

As I expressed earlier, we all go through phases of being self-confident and less-than-so. There is always growth to be made. Finding love for myself and understanding that as a human being my life has worth, is extremely powerful and liberating. It may seem so simple and basic to some, but for those of us who have lived without this belief, it means the difference between a life of happiness or misery.

You are beautiful!

All Natural Mint Lemonade

4-6 lemons

4 sprigs of fresh mint

20oz cold water

1/4c stevia

Yields 1-2 servings

I use a juicer to extract the lemon juice, but squeezing them by hand works just fine too. It just takes a little more work. Chop and add the mint and water. Add stevia (or other natural sweetener) and stir. The trick is adding more water or sweetener to your desired taste. I like a strong mint taste as well so I recommend lots of mint!

When I'm watching my weight I love this drink. Water gets boring and sometimes I want just a little more flavor. This is a easy way to get tons of flavor without sacrificing calories. This large mason jar has about five calories. Research has shown that one of the benefits of mint and lemon is weight control.

Enjoy!

Filling up my bucket

I suppose this is the time of year when we all reflect and recommit ourselves to our various causes. For me this began several weeks ago as I realized there were certain things in my conduct that were not in harmony with my beliefs. To be specific, my temper. As mothers we have a bucket. We give and give and give out of our bucket until pretty soon we have nothing left to give. If we don't refill our bucket then we break down, blow up and freak out. As I reached out to those people and resources that I knew could help me I recognized how empty my bucket has been. As soon as things would start to get sticky, I would blow up. Unfortunately, this most commonly occurred with my children or my husband.

  This bucket I'm talking about can be filled with a number of things. It's all those things that make up our health. Our bucket can be filled up with physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual stimuli. It's easy to get caught up in our role as a mother and put our needs last in the name of self-sacrifice. However, I'm realizing playing the martyr really does no one any good.  When mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy...am I right?

  So this year, I'm putting away the mommy guilt and planning to keep my bucket full. My intellectual aspect is this blog. It allows me get all of the racing thoughts out and my wheels turning.  How are you planning to keep your bucket full in 2014?

More than Enduring

I'm the type of person that has to work 24/7 to keep a clear head. I can slip in to psycho mode real quick. I keep thinking of the saying that life is meant to enjoyed not just endured. I have to find some evidence of meaning and purpose every day or else I get lost in negativity. Yesterday at work I stepped outside for a minute around 8:30. It had cooled off from the 100 degree day and the evening light was simply romantic. I was humbled by the infinite sky above me. I could feel God's love for me, no matter how little I felt.

I looked into the eyes of my precious baby this morning and felt the same infinite love. These things have the potential to be over looked. I literally need to stop and smell the roses or all hope is lost. Happy Friday all!!

Veggie and White Bean Soup

I've been trying to eat more veggies lately. However, this is super hard for me because I HATE vegetables. I found a similar recipe on Pintrest and made it my own.

Ingredients

2 cups Cabbage chopped
3 celery stalks chopped
1/2 cup yellow onion chopped
Stock (veggie/chicken/ beef or combination) roughly 4 cups. + water depending on how thick you want it.
2 cans stewed tomatoes with juice
1 cup white sweet corn
1-2 cans butter beans or other white beans
Garlic, salt, pepper, chives, to taste

Bring everything to a boil then cover and simmer until celery, onions and cabbage are soft. Super easy and REALLY yummy. It calculates to roughly 100 calories per 2 cups. Give or take. Enjoy!

i'm thankful for my body

I normally blog about the things that I'm thinking about most. Unfortunately, I've been selfishly obsessed with my body image. I feel like I should be over this horribly shallow fixation by now. However, like many women, I'm still thinking about how I can change the way my body looks and feels. I constantly try to control my eating and find time to exercise. I spend even more time, hating my body. I fail at these attempts to better myself because I'm not happy with my current circumstances. And here's the kicker....Why would I take care of something that I don't love!? Somehow I have to figure out how to love and appreciate the body I have so that I can sincerely take care of it. In light of Thanksgiving I'm posting a list of all the reasons I should be thankful for the body that I have.



What I love about my body...
1.) All of my body parts function as they were intended...arms, legs, fingers toes, eyes etc.

2.) I have blond hair like my mommy, sisters and daughters.

3.) It's not addicted to drugs or alcohol.

4.) It can perform all of the tasks that I need to care for my family.

5.) It can dance.

6.) It can sing.

7.) It made two beautiful, healthy baby girls.

8.) It gave birth to two baby girls...one with no pain meds!

9.) It makes milk that provides all the nutrients my baby needs to survive!!

10.) My brain is healthy.

11.) I have arms to hold my husband and lips to kiss him.

12.) Every working body system that is a daily miracle.

13.) The chemical exchange of gases to provide oxygen to all of my tissues.

14.) The digestion of food.

15.) The delicate balance of hormones.

16.) The replacement of old tissue and healing abilities.

17.) The delivery of nutrients to muscles and bones.

18.) The advanced communication of my nervous system.

19.) The rhythmic beating of my heart that keeps me alive.

20.) My freckles

21.) My green eyes

22.) I have perfect vision (20/20)

23.) I can hear all the beautiful sounds and songs of life.

24.) It houses my soul

25.) I can dress it up in awesome outfits.

26.) It can rock my babies to sleep.

27.) It can run, swim, play sports, skateboard, ice skate, ride a bike etc. etc.

28.) It can taste delicious food.

29.) It can sleep and dream.

30.) It can feel the cool breeze.

31.) It can feel the warm sun.

32.) It can smell my baby's skin, lavender laundry soap, my husband's cologne, Saylor's hair, Christmas trees, a Sunday roast, etc.. 

33.) I don't have any allergies.

34.) It can do some pretty awesome yoga poses.

35.) I have all of my teeth.

36.) It can play the guitar, drums and a little piano.

37.) It can paint, draw, decorate, craft and create.

38.) I'm strong

39.) It releases natural "feel-good" chemicals.

40.) It is unique.

look up

I have always loved autumn. There is something so romantic about it. Even though it is super chilly here in Southern Idaho, I ventured out with my two ladies today. I seriously love these girls so much. I am so grateful for them. Even when they are crying in the middle of the night, pitching fits or not eating, I can't get enough of them. We took a walk to "the big park" and I never regret getting some fresh air. Going outside ALWAYS improves my mood. Lately, I've been in awe at nature. I sit outside and just look up. It helps me keep things in perspective. I feel little under the big sky and am instanly humbled.

I am thankful for the life lessons that blossom out of an hour on the sidewalk. 
I'm thankful for the cozy baby snuggled in my bed.
I'm thankful for parents who never stop caring about my happiness.
I am thankful for sisters who make me laugh.
I'm thankful for Cassidy's conversations in his sleep.
I'm thankful just for today.

This Just Got Real

Life is amazing. Every day I am in awe. I've been up and down a lot lately. I've been fighting this battle with myself. However, when I let God take over, life is a bowl of cherries! I've been hitting the gym and I'm down 19 LBS. I always have this voice in the back of my head that says, "I'll be happy when I'm skinny." But I'm here to say that I'm happy today! I've accomplished so much with my Heavenly Father help. I have so much to be grateful for. I'm just lucky to be alive.

I ran my first 5k several weeks ago at the St. Lukes Women's Celebration. This was a HUGE accomplishment for me. I never thought I would do something like this. It was such a blast. I ran with my sisters which made it even better. It gave me so much confidence. I'm not perfect and I stumble sometimes. Sometimes it's really hard to get back up. But God always makes up the difference if I let him. Little miracles keep popping up everyday. I'm the happiest when I notice them! I'm happy for the perspective I've gained as a result of spiritual experiences. I feel like a more useful mother. I'm ready for those hard questions. Like this morning when Saylor saw me on the scale and wanted to take a turn. She stood on the scale and asked, "what does it say, Mommy?" I happily replied, "it says your healthy, baby!" That's all that really matters. That we are healthy in our minds, in our souls and in our hearts...if it is in our power to have healthy bodies than we are extremely blessed.

On October 27th I'll be running my second 5k. THE COLOR RUN! I'm so excited. It's gonna be epic. Check it out!

Seeking God First: My Weight Loss Solution

For as long as I can remember I have used food to deal with my feelings and emotions. Now, after having my second child, my weight is becoming a serious issue. Mentally, physically and spiritually I feel "icky". Well, at least I did up until about three weeks ago. I decided enough is enough. I found the support I needed in what should have been the most obvious place: My Heavenly Father. I am trying my hardest to eat sensibly and exercise regularly, but for people like me that just isn't enough. I will fail and fail horribly every time I rely on self-will alone. I have to include my Higher Power in every aspect of my life if I wish to grow in that area. From the Sermon on the Mount, Christ command us,

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness;

and all these things shall be added unto you."

Matthew 6:33

 

I pray each morning for the knowledge of God's will and the courage to carry that out. I pray specifically for the strength to resist the temptation to overeat and/or eat compulsively. Then I begin my day and do the best that I can do. I see how far my compulsion for food has gotten me. I've dug a very large hole and it will take time to get out. When I realize how much work needs to be done it is easy to get discouraged. So I just focus on today. I do the best that I can today. I have found that if I allow God's spirit to dwell with me continually, these challenges become manageable. The chaos and insanity of my eating disorder seem to subside.

 

As unpleasant feelings and situations arise I realize the importance of turning to my Creator for help rather than food. Food only provides a temporary numbing or tiny bit of pleasure. As I turn more frequently to the healing power of the atonement, my heart is softened. The whisperings of the Holy Ghost come more often to my mind. THEN, when I face food choices or need that extra push to keep exercising I am ready for God's aid.

 

 I've lost 12lbs since committing to my food plan three weeks ago. I've been using My Fitness Pal to keep track of my diet, exercise and progress. This site/app is really awesome! It's similar to Facebook except is all about health. Adding friends really helps to keep me motivated. I highly recommend it. I've written down a very specific food plan along with a list of "trigger foods". This is a list of foods that are completely off limits. Some items are obvious like donuts and soda. But others are personal just to me like cold cereal (I'm infamous for binging on cereal). I have found this to be really useful. I also started putting as much energy into actually exercising that I do reading about it on Pintrest and I've seen great results. HAHA!

 

Anyways, I hope some of you can identify with some of the topics in this post. It really helps to put yourself out there rather than isolate. I have big goals and high hopes! Good luck to others on the same journey!

50 Things That I'm Grateful For

I'm taking some good advice and making a gratitude list. It gets my creative juices flowing and helps me see the bigger picture.I don't think it's any coincidence that tonight I packed all of my daughter's belongs away and put them in boxes until she can learn to be thankful for what she has. She literally has two outfits, one pair of shoes, a pillow and blanket. So I too must continue my ability to be grateful.

I am grateful for:

1.) knowledge of a living God
2.) my healthy body that  makes pretty babies
3.) robin's egg blue framed mirrors
4.) camping in Idaho 
5.) air conditioning
6.) mother's of Eagle Scouts
7.) the Ensign
8.) hair color for $16
9.) the Articles of Faith
10.)the 10th Step
11.) cell phones
12.) tomorrow
13.) Michelle Weber
14.) Mam's pacifiers
15.) old photographs taken before I was born, but of people I know
16.) my purple wrist watch
17.) kombucha
18.) childhood blankies
19.) summer smells
20.) adjusting to really cold lake water
21.) homemade burp clothes
22.) little eyes looking at me while I nurse
23.) love notes
24.) chalk board-worthy inspirations
25.) yesterday
26.) Jenny Zoellner
27.) how my mother gets Saylor breakfast so I can sleep in
28.) for my husband's job
29.) night-time noises
30.) monitarily worthless guitars
31.) the Friend
32.) my majestic king, Jax (my dog)
33.) second, third, fourth, one millionth chances
34.) letting go
35.) holding hands
36.) whisker kisses
37.) fuzzy baby heads
38.) Saylor's voice
39.) care packages from Gigi
40.) needing to cry and being in the right place to do it
41.) a good laugh from pintrest
42.) thrift store shirts that make me feel pretty
43.) milk supply worth bragging about
44.) a sleeping 3 year-old
45.) soundtracked moments
46.) conference talks
47.) non-memember friends quoting conference talks on facebook from pintrest
48.) greeting cards
49.) the snack cupboard
50.) washer 'n dryer

New Baby Thoughts

Sylvia Kaye- 2 Months

In light of recent family events ( the birth of Sylvia and two new nieces), I wanted to share a few things that have really helped me get through these first few months with my new little bundle of joy.

1.) Get motivated!
  If you have a shoe basket and at the bottom of that shoe basket are your running shoes....you're probably feeling large, out of control, and headed for your 16th "snack" for the day. Since our big move to Idaho I've really been trying to schedule in some mommy time. I've written down a food plan and committed to cardio exercise at least three times a week. Even if that means walking around the neighborhood while packing around baby in the carrier. Physical activity (at the right pace for your healing body) can do wonders for your mood and baby's!

2.) Got milk issues?
   Lactation woes are all too common with new mommies, but a few things that I have found REALLY help my milk supply, are drinking LOTS of water, high protien, and Traditional Medicinal brand Mothers Milk tea. Aqua is kind of a obvious solution, but the high protien diet I wouldn't have guessed. I've been drinking a supplement called Muscle Milk that 20grams of protien per bottle! I sampled some of my mom's and now I can't put it down (the supplement, not her breast milk. She's not even lactating)...Anyways, the Mothers Milk tea is sold in most grocery stores. Two or three cups a day of this herbal, organic, and caffiene free tea is guarnteed to increase your milk supply quicker than you'd expect.

3.) Don't be a hero, go for the drugs!
  This has been a little motto around our house lately. Drugs meaning anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. The baby blues are becoming more common especially in those women who already have a history of depression and/or anxiety. You want to be the best mommy you can be and it's important to be honest with yourself about how many changes you can handle at once. I was on a low dosage of anti-anxiety medication during my pregnancy and after baby girl came I discussed my mood decline with my OB and she suggested uping my dose. It has made a world of difference. I can be a better mommy when I've taken care of myself first! Mental health should be a top priority!

4.) Listen to your mommy instincts!  
   Stop Goggling about your baby's milestones, how much she should eat, weigh, sleep etc. Parenting books are based on generalizations and although they can be very helpful and point you in the right direction they should not be used as the letter of the law. You have a bond to your child that no one else does. Relax and watch for your babies cues about she needs. A routine is a good starting point, but don't beat yourself up if you have to adapt to baby's needs. As women we want to do everything right, especially when it comes to parenting. The truth is we are going to make ALOT of mistakes before we get the hang of things. Whether it's your first or your seventh child, each baby is different and has unique needs. Listen to advice with an open mind, but don't be so hard on yourself when baby has a hard time latching or she cries for 20 minutes before dozing off. Do YOUR best. That's all that matters. ( And yes, I do realize I just gave you advice about not taking advice.)

5.) Did you think to pray?
  I'd like to say that each morning the first thing I do is kneel beside my bed in peace and quiet and pour my heart out to my Heavenly Father. The truth is I rarely have adequete time, peace or quiet to pray before my day is set in motion by my crazy three year-old or hungry two month-old. It can be very difficult to find the right moment to express my concerns and thanks to my Father in Heaven. I'll admit that sometimes the first opportunity I have to be alone is while I'm sitting on the toliet. My point is, that on the days that I invite God into my parenting endeavors things seem to be just a little eaiser. I have more patience, more will-power, more love, and more optimism throughout the day.

   Parenting is a HUGE challenge, but nothing will bring you more satisfaction, more understanding, or more love than being a mommy. Keep the big picture in mind and the little things won't seem so bad. Snuggle that little bundle every chance you get and remember, "This too shall pass."

Nelya 2 Minutes-Old

Diabetes Mellitus

Here is one of the first essay's I wrote for BIO 202 and recieved 100% credit:

A 25-year-old male was admitted to the medical/surgical unit with a blood glucose of 600 mg/dl. On assessment, the nurse observed his breathing was deep and rapid and his breath smelled of acetone. His face was flushed and his skin was dry. His pH was low. Describe the physiological response that is occurring.

High blood glucose levels are characteristic of diabetes mellitus. Insulin is a hypoglycemic hormone meaning it lowers the amount of glucose in the blood.  Insulin deficiency results in high levels of glucose in the blood. The pancreas possesses a cluster of cells called islet cells. Beta cells are the specific type of islets that produce insulin. Beta cells act as sensors which detect when glucose levels are high, such as after eating. An individual with type 1 diabetes lacks normal insulin producing beta cells of the pancreas. An individual with type 2 diabetes possesses beta cells, but is lacks receptors for glucose. The pancreas releases insulin into the blood which stimulates absorption of glucose into liver and other tissue cells. The liver then converts glucose into glycogen which is essentially long chains stored glucose. The absorption and conversion of glucose return blood glucose levels to a “resting” homeostatic balance. Without sufficient insulin none of this can take place. Glucose continues to build up in the blood stream. Normally, glucose is the primary source of energy fuel for the body. Without glucose being absorbed into tissues cells, proteins and fatty acids are accessed as an alternative energy source. The rise of fatty acids in the blood causes a series of negative conditions. Ketone is a shared term for fatty acid metabolites. Elevated ketones in the blood occur in extreme cases of untreated diabetes mellitus. This can cause the breath to smell of acetone. The rise of ketones also causes blood pH to decline. Urine output increases and excess ketones are expelled in urine. In an attempt to raise pH levels an effort is made to remove carbon dioxide from the blood via rapid breathing.

Application:

            As a registered nurse I encounter a patient who is experiencing increased urination and unexplained weight loss. I order a blood glucose test and a urine analysis to check her ketones levels. My patient’s blood glucose level is at 300mg/dl which indicates diabetes mellitus. I advise my patient to follow a diabetic diet and to exercise regularly. I also prescribe regular insulin injections and instruct her check her glucose levels twice daily. I inform my patient that with these proper adjustments her condition is completely manageable.

Resources:

1.)    " Diabetes Animation - YouTube ." YouTube - Broadcast Yourself. . Pearson, 19 May 2010. Web. 28 Jan. 2012. .

2.)    "Diabetes Mellitus." Medicine Net. N.p., n.d. Web. 27 Jan. 2012.

3.)    Marieb, Elaine N. , and Katja Hoehn. "The Endocrine System." Human Anatomy & Physiology. 7th ed. San Francisco: Pearson, 2007. 632-634. Print.

           

Vegetarian Follow-Up

After 30 days of not consuming any meat I ended my vegetarian experiment. It was refreshing and it felt good to try something new. In all honesty, I didn't notice any difference. My appetite was is the same, my face is still covered in zits, etc. etc. The most rewarding part of the experiment was gain a sense of control over what I was eating. I felt proud that I was able to stick to a plan without feeling desperate for a cheeseburger. Now that I have introduced meat back into my diet I notice that I am thinking about food more and what I CAN eat.

I feel it's safe to say that at least for me, my diet does not affect my natural oil secretion and therefore does not affect the number of out breaks I have. When conducting this experiment in the future I'd like to try it for a longer period of time. Possible six months to a year.

I just wanted to actually follow up on one of my blogs. I feel like I always say I'm going to track my progress of things and rarely do! So, there you go! I actually followed through! Woo hoo!

Tempe Splash Pad

With these long hot days in the Phoenix Valley, it is really hard to keep kids happy! I have been so fed up with putting my child infront of the computer because I've run out of ways to entertain her. Luckily, I found one of the BEST ways for her to get some energy out and have fun; the Tempe Town Lake Splash Pad!! (Corner of MILL AND RIO SALADO PKWY, open 10am-7pm).

 (Airplanes!)

 

the Beginning of Vegetarianism

One night as I was doing some aimless web searching and came across a very simple guide Vegetarian's "beginner's guide".I half-heartily made a choice to stop eating meat (for a time) to see if I noticed any significant health improvements. I've had several friends suggest a more plant centered diet to help my poor complexion and battle with weight loss. I am now ending day 6 without eating any meat or fish. More than anything, I am surprised at my ability to refrain from eating meat and to come up with creative meals. It has brought me a sense of accomplishment through self-control. I made a terrible mistake by beginning a new diet plan over a holiday weekend. Miraculously, I was able to resist the temptation for barbecued meat and still have a fantastic time.

(To clarify, by NO MEAT I mean vegetarian, not vegan. I'm abstaining from any animal tissue, such as pork, chicken, beef, fish etc. I am still consuming dairy products and eggs, but toying with the idea of phasing those out to depending on how well this portion of the observation goes. )

My husband, Cassidy, has been very supportive of my dietary efforts and has been open-minded about trying new foods. Saylor has been less receptive.
Meals
1.) The first meal I presented was a veggie sandwich that was very easy to add meat to for my husband. It included:

herb & cheese focccacia bread
pesto
sun dried tomatoes
provolone cheese
smoked turkey (optional)
  w/ grapes and Parmesan pasta

I like to put a smile on his face.

the 'meatless' option.

Saylor playing with her food

2.) The second meal was lighter. A whole grain vegetable soup (canned) and a tossed salad including:

spring mix
cranberries
cantaloupe
crushed pecans
parmesan cheese
raspberry dressing
  w/ tortilla chips & light yogurt

The presentation was a lot of fun and  I think Cassidy agreed how yummy the meals were. I think I've been surprising him (and myself). I'll try to keep updating my progress...key word TRY.  It's been exciting to achieve the few days of commitment to vegetarianism. Today also marks  24 hrs of abstinence from overeating. What abstinence requires is that I write down my 'food plan' and follow it exactly. The list consists of foods I exclude as well as what food I will allow myself to eat and how much. Food exclusions should be what you consider trigger foods that lead to overeating. As an example, here is my current food plan:


1,300 calories per day
no soda
no ice cream
no donuts.
vegetarian diet (no meat or fish)

24 hours of abstinence may not seem like a long time, but when you are struggling with a 

compulsion/addiction, it is a life-changing accomplishment. I commend all those you have over come this problem and am so inspired by the stories I hear. I have seen hard work be put into a recovery program and yield unimaginable success. It brings me hope!

..Here's to today..

I am dreaming

    I am dreaming each day, that I can find my way.
Peace in my heart. I am here now. Things won't always be this hard. I am dreaming of a day when I can make breakfast with my favorite music playing. On that day I will be healthy. Things will be pretty. I will tend a delicate garden. I will pick fresh fruit and breathe fresh air.
I am dreaming. My daughter will go to school in a classic little outfit. I will have brushed her hair and kissed her cheeks. I will not worry. I will send her away to a happy little place where she has fun and plays with friends. I will not worry. I will not fight with myself.
      My heart will be open. I will work everyday to be successful in love. I will wrap my arms around my husband and kiss him....and he will stay. He will hold me. Together we will pray for the safety of our love. I am dreaming of a day.  I will chat with friends and neighbors. We'll laugh and joke and sing. I will share my smile. I'm hopeful of these things. I am dreaming I am dreaming. I am dreaming.

Each day I get older. "The song I came to sing remains unsung to this day.
I have spent my days in stringing
and in unstringing my instrument."

   I am dreaming of the chance just to be free. I want those times, admiration and affection. Freedom from a pain that self-indulgence sows. I'll share my freedom with everyone who knows. In my dream I will surrender, to all things honest and true. Even if their painful, even if their new. Acknowledgement enlightens my heart. Bringing healing. Always kneeling. I am dreaming of a morning so bright. I'm getting closer each day. I will find my pleasantries. I will wash away.

Healthy Wednesday

So I have been very reluctent to post more about my struggle with weight loss. I feel like I jinx myself by talking about it aloud. However it's one of my top priorities right now so it's almost impossible not to bring it up. My body is going crazy! I have no control of my appetite. I do have control of my physical activity though. With no apparent exscuses to fall back on I have dragged my big butt to the gym as often as possible in the last month or so. I can feel my heart rate and endurance improving as I run. Mostly, I like to run. It makes me feel empowered. It makes me feel more connected to myself. I practice yoga at least once a week which ALWAYS centers me and motivates me to push myself. I would love to eventually be practicing everyday. Moving meditation is ideal for somebody as restless as me.

I even talked to my doctor who suggested the regular "lets check your thyroid" routine and challenged me to limit my calorie intake to 1,200 a day! For a compulsive over eater such as myself this is near impossible! I was able to go almost a week before going over my calories. Now I'm struggling once again to keep my head above water. I feel like my exercise is productive and I feel great during and after. I just cannot align my eating habits with the knowledge of what I know is BEST for me and the rest of my life style.

I admire the women around me that have sense of dicipline. I see all these families running marathons together and I just want to get through the day without binging. As for TODAY...I have not exceeded my intake as of 10:30am, I started my day with an at-home yoga practice, then walked to the gym where I swam for 45 minutes. This is the best I can do today. I can only take this issue ONE DAY AT A TIME. I cannot think about tomorrow or worry about yesterday. I do as much as I can and then ask God to do the rest.

An Herbal Approach

When my daughter, Saylor, was about eight months old she was diagnosed with urinary reflux. The condition is characterized by the back flow of urine from the bladder into the ureters and kidneys causing urinary tract infections, most commonly found in young children. My daughter contracted two UTI’s before she was properly diagnosed which resulted in scarring of her kidneys. Because UTI’s can be prevented by taking antibiotics, our insurance would not pay for a minor out-patient surgery (deflux) that would correct the problem. The prophylactic antibiotics do not heal the affected area, but rather they simply treat the symptoms.

An annual exam called a VCUG, is performed to determine the severity of reflux and labeled by grades 1-5, level 5 being the most severe. A radioactive solution is inserted into the urinary tract via the urethra and viewed on a type of x-ray monitor reveals if the fluid is staying in the bladder or flowing back into the kidneys. Saylor’s reflux has worsened from level 2 to level 3 (grade 5 is pictured left). Normally, urinary reflux entirely self-corrects by the age of 5. Obviously Saylor’s reflux is not improving and long-term use of antibiotics is not the best solution.

I was extremely uncomfortable with the idea of having my daughter on antibiotics for an extended period. I was/am concerned that the antibiotics would weaken her immune system and its ability to function properly once she stopped taking the medication. I recently visited a local herbalist to seek out an alternative. After explaining the situation and consulting with the herbalist she recommended a blend of herbs that can treat and prevent UTI’s.

She explained that her daughter suffered from frequent urinary infections when she was young and successfully treated the infections with the same natural herbs that she recommended for Saylor. The simple blend that she offered was a combination of uva ursi (bearberry), marshmallow and pipsissewa. I figured we would at least try it and if it didn’t work we still had the antibiotics on hand. The main ingredient, uva ursi, is a natural astringent that has been used since as early as the second century to treat bladder and urinary infections. Pipsissewa also possesses natural infection-fighting qualities without any risks. The medicinal property in the herb, marshmallow is its ability to reduce inflammation.

A little over three weeks ago we discontinued the use of the antibiotics and began administering the tea. I prepare the mixture like a cold tea. I use running hot water to steep it, shake vigorously in jar and then refrigerate it.

The herbalist recommended that Saylor drink as much as possible, but roughly half of a cup a day at least. Because the herbs are fairly bitter, I mix the tea with cranberry juice which also helps to fight urinary tract infections. Cranberries are rich in polyphenol antioxidants and phytochemicals that boost the immune system and posses anti-adhesion properties that flush E. coli bacteria responsible for UTI’s. It’s not my daughter’s favorite thing to drink, but she keeps it down and we are excited to see the progress. I will continue to track the effectiveness of tmy herbal solution, but as of right now I have high hopes. I am eger to explain to Saylor’s Urologist during her next appointment that we have chosen a different route for our daughter and that we were not restricted to one opinion.

*More information on herbal remedies can be found at www.SWHerb.com

*Southwest Herb is located at 148 N. Center street in Mesa, Arizona and frequently holds free seminars. *SW Herb 480-694-9931*
*They are extremely helpful and will most likely offer you a free cup of tea while you are browsing!
<<----My stinker, Saylor

There's a party in my tummy!

Ugh! Here I go again. Planning a weight loss diet; dreading the idea of depriving myself of my one vice, FOOD. It's a horrible addiction because rather than ridding yourself of any association with the substance, you have to partake of it but in MODERATION. Like many people struggling with weight management, I eat because I'm bored; because I'm seeking to fill some emptiness, there's a party in my tummy, I'm emotional, it tastes good, I'm out of control!
(Deep breath.)


I have lost weight before. I have felt the benefits of self-mastery. I am FULLY AWARE of the contradiction that overeating is to the rest of my values. How did I let it get this far? How did I lose sight of my drive? I asked myself the same questions while struggling with other addictions.
After giving birth to my daughter I was full of motivation to better myself in every way possible. I wanted to find my true spirit again, I wanted to better my education, strengthen my relationships and be nothing short of a perfect example of what an honorable WOMAN is.

So here I am. Many of my goals are in active progress. I can feel the light of God in my life again; my years of education are steadily accumulating, I have an honest sense of confidence and I have formed some of the deepest relationships of my lifetime. Yet, I still fall short. (And hard due to excess weight.) I continue to struggle with indulgence. I can feel my appetite taking over, my mouth watering and my excitement growing as I approach a meal. If the food is in front of me, I will eat it. I literally do not have the will power to push it away even though I may be sickeningly full. Afterwards I feel disgusted and ashamed of myself. How could I have lost control again!? Why did I do this to myself?

So now I am asking, What can I do? What are the factors I CAN control? Is there hope for me? Will I ever be able to live a healthy life with nutritional boundaries?

I have to believe that there IS HOPE for me. I have encountered too many success stories to deny hope. We have all heard of those people who governed themselves and worked diligently to overcome their demons. I know that I will need to monitor myself. I do not want to devote all of my entries to my weight loss goals but will periodically record my progress along the way. I have recorded the details of my plan separately and privately. Hopefully, writing will be another tool I can rely on to overcome the challenges I face.