My name is Maddie and I'm an alcoholic and drug addict.
I am a compulsive over eater and I am a co-dependent.
After much prayer and months of asking Heavenly Father to place the appropriate person in my path of recovery, (from overeating, co-dependency, drug addiction, alcoholism etc.) I was blessed to finally begin step work with a sponsor. Finding a sponsor is a very important part of recovery. This person acts as a support who can provide first hand experience in the recovery process. They provide a safe, confidential relationship as the guide an addict through the steps of recovery. I provide a link to the official Alcoholics Anonymous page regarding sponsorship because I am not the best source of information on the subject. I can on share my own experience so far with the program. Some might be comfortable admitting their short-comings to themselves and feel that is all is need to move forward. Experience shows that our sickness lies in our secrets. Coming clean to another human summons an attitude of honesty that is critical for the rest of recovery process.
Having completed my step one work I feel as though the curtains have been opened. I am looking out the window to a new world and way of living. It took a lot of digging into my past behaviors and my alcoholic way of thinking to fully admit to myself that I am full of faults and weaknesses. I am an alcoholic. Whether I am drinking or sober for 10 years I will always be an alcoholic. Admitting weakness or failure is never an easy thing. But complete honesty is vital if any recovery is to be found. On page 58 of the Big Book it states:
"Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves....They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average."
I know I still have a long journey ahead of me, but I feel like the worst is over. I've identified the problem. All that is left now is the solution.
I have never been very fond of reading. Mostly because I am a lazy person and reading requires effort to be entertained. During high school I would rather cheat before I'd take the time to read a book. However, as I have gotten older I have come to appreciate a good piece of writing. As I have developed my own writing skills I have really come to appreciate the incredible work and intelligence it takes to produce a decent piece of literature. I have found a love for the words that are right at my finger tips. I enjoy a simple-everyday novel, but I find myself diving into philosophical, spiritual and religious material head first. When I was younger, still living in my home town of Moscow, Idaho I fell in love with a guide to meditation by Ram Dass called "A Journey of Awakening". It discusses the ego and how to remove yourself from it. It teaches you how to witness your life rather than react to it. I was interested in the fact that he describes how he found the effects he sought with drugs; through living a spiritually guided life and that the effects were continuous rather than fleeting. That was the kind of life I wanted. I wanted to be "spiritually in-tune" and feel genuinely happy rather than artificially happy through substance abuse.
Lately, I have been blown away by the unfolding of the Alcoholics Anonymous theory for spiritual living. It is a beautifully outlined program that skillfully solves an age-old problem without stepping on any ones toes (religiously speaking). It is easy to comprehend while provoking significant moral evaluation. Chances are you have been affected by problem drinking in one form or another. "The Big Book" holds incredible insight into a revolutionary camaraderie which paved the way for legions of suffering alcoholics and their families. I've skipped around in this book and read random chapters, but this is the first time I have read it straight through. So far I'm about 50 pages in and I am astonished at the bitter truthfulness of these personal accounts of alcoholism. I am pacing myself because there is so much to take in and I like to take notes, but I will try to update on this topic.. (fingers-crossed).
"So we clean house with the family,
asking each morning in meditation
that our Creator show us the way of
patience, tolerance, kindliness and love."
-pg. 83
Another genera of writing that has captivated me in the past week is lyrical poetry. My husband and I have been listening to Band of Horses for the past week and as I was writing this post I was listening to this song. I happened to look at the video and this is what I found. It just seemed so appropriate. I don't normally post other material, but I am willing to make an exception for this song!
"The Funeral"
I'm coming up only to hold you under
I'm coming up only to show you wrong
And to know you is hard; we wonder
To know you all wrong; we were.
Really too late to call,
So we wait for morning to wake you
That's all we got
to know me as hardly golden
Is to know me all wrong, they were.
At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral
Every occasion, once more, it's called the funeral
Every occasion, know I'm ready for the funeral
At every occasion, oh, one billion day funeral
I'm coming up only to show you down,
For I'm coming up only to show you wrong.
To the outside: the dead leaves, they're on the lawn
Before they died, had trees to hang their hope
And every occasion
I'll be ready for the funeral
And every occasion once more
It's called the funeral
And every occasion
Oh, I'm ready for the funeral
Every occasion
Of one billion day funeral
(band of horses)
Wisdom is everywhere. The talent of stringing words along like pearls takes years of spilling them. Every, essay that I've developed, every talk I pondered, every blog post I constructed has helped me to understand. I now realized the amount of labor that goes into intelligent thought presented through written word.
Since the beginning of man, written communication has been prophesied to be of utmost importance in preserving our knowledge. So that those who live after us may not have to suffer as we have suffered. We have been instructed by prophets of old and in modern times to keep detailed record of our lives and experience to share with our posterity. The most influential writings often carry critical warnings and teachings. We we following these teachings and warnings are lives improve. Simple concepts.
