3 Ways to improve your self-esteem

I have purposefully avoided the self-esteem topic for several months now. It is such a ridiculous struggle that I get so sick of hearing about and dealing with. I am embarrassed to admit that I still fall into this shallow, self-pitying dilemma. Logically, I know all of the many reasons why I should love myself. The primary reason being that I am a daughter of God who deserves love, respect and to be nurtured...especially by me. I know that if I don't love myself first that two things will happen. First, I will not understand how anyone could love me so I will look for reasons to disprove any such evidence, therefore stifling and damaging vital relationships. I don't see the love that is being expressed and use that as further proof that I am undeserving of such a gift. 

The second issue that will arise if I don't love myself is that I will lose the ability to genuinely care for others. My lack of compassion for myself becomes projected onto other people. I'm quick to find fault, especially those I care about most. My children, my husband, my parents and siblings are constantly unable to fulfill my high expectations. They continually let me down, irritate me, hurt my feelings or annoy me. 

So, why does this problem still occur? I have come leaps and bounds from where I was as an insecure teenager, but at sensitive moments, such as pregnancy, those same waves of insecurity come flooding back. Because I often base my self-worth solely on my physical appearance, my confidence is deflated when unpleasant changes in my body occur. I think most women experience this to some degree, which is why I want to share my thoughts. Here are a few key points that have helped improve my self-esteem.

1.) Honest Self-evaluation

When I evaluate myself, honestly, I can find many beautiful and wonderful attributes. Yes, I make mistakes, but generally I am a good person. I am a caring wife and mother. I can share my talents, experiences, hope, creativity and compassion easily with others. When we look deep inside ourselves we can all find those innate characteristics that make us amazing people. It was recommended to me that I make a list of all the things I do well. When I couldn't think of anything else I had to ask someone close to me (such as a spouse or parent) what else I could add to the list. It was really amazing to see everything on paper that I did well. Even if it is something as simple as being punctual or making really yummy mint-lemonade. Beauty comes in many forms. 

2.) Forgive Yourself

When I forgive myself of my faults, my past and everyday shortcomings, I can move forward with a more positive perspective. There will always be the haters. There will always be those little voices in your head or in real life pointing out your imperfections. But rather than indulging those voices I have to make a conscious choice to ignore and even contest those accusations. I stop those comments or thoughts with a strong and calm, "no, that's not true. I'm really good person." As corny as it sounds, when self-forgiveness and positive self-talk become a habit it's hard to get caught up in shallow things like the number on the scale. 

3.) Stop Comparing

As a Christian I believe that envy and jealousy are sins. Yet, they are subtle and therefore creep in almost unnoticed on a daily basis. I look at other women's bodies, hair, clothes, make-up, house, car, the way her children are dressed, career, etc., etc....and I make a quick determination if I rank higher or lower than her. That split-second evaluation is deadly to my self-esteem! In these moments I'm either giving myself credit for something superficial or punishing myself for something that doesn't matter. This has been refereed to by mental health professionals as "self-plagiarism". Comparing ourselves to others is a completely inaccurate evaluation of self-worth. We will continually be disappointed in our findings.   

As I expressed earlier, we all go through phases of being self-confident and less-than-so. There is always growth to be made. Finding love for myself and understanding that as a human being my life has worth, is extremely powerful and liberating. It may seem so simple and basic to some, but for those of us who have lived without this belief, it means the difference between a life of happiness or misery.

You are beautiful!

The Thick and the Thin

It's difficult for me to express what is jumping inside me. My love for life has grown exponentially over the past several months. The confusion, depression, worry and fear that often hold me down has gradually been lifted. A combination of deepening faith and strengthened relationships has scooped me up and pushed me forward. As a family we continually struggle financially. Cassidy is in the last semester of school. He is finishing an Associates degree in communications while working part time in an energy analyses company. I work overnight shifts four times a week as a nursing assistant in senior care. In addition to church callings, children, housework, exercise and recovery, we are a busy family. Like most families we are just trying to make it through the day. Stress can easily become so overwhelming that I just want is to (and sometimes do) curl up into a little ball and cry. However, I am extremely blessed to have to the knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father. 

 

"I know my Father lives and loves me to. The spirit whispers this to me and tells me it is true." 

I am continually humbled by the simple expressions of God's love in my daily life. Recently Sylvia was crying in the middle of the night. I couldn't soothe her. I held her on the couch, exhausted. I knew Saylor was awake too. I worried that she would start crying as well. Instead, I heard her delicate whisper as she prayed. She prayed for our family. She prayed for her baby sister. In her simple language she poured out her heart to her Heavenly Father to bless us. It was a tender moment that I will never forget. When I think my hard work may be in vain, something extraordinary happens.

I was touched by Cassidy's courage this week as he was away on a business trip. By nature my husband is very reserved. He is has a difficult time expressing personal elements of his life. Somehow, the topic of religion arose during the trip. Uncharacteristically, Cassidy shared why the gospel was important to him. He told his boss why he loved the church and why he wants to raise his family by its teachings. The following day, his boss approached him and commended him for his hard-work. He asked if he could really commit to being apart of the business. When Cassidy assured him that he intended on giving it his all he was offered a raise.

I know that the motivation and excitement that fuel me are not my doing. They can't be. When I get really honest with myself I find what needs to be cleared away. I see what isn't making me happy. I find that loving myself is crucial to my happiness and my ability to serve others. I want so badly to be loved and appreciated yet I'm unwilling to offer the same to anyone, including myself. Loving and praising my family, my co-workers, my neighbors, my ward and strangers lights me up. It dusts away my resentments, unrighteous judgments and insecurities. Simply put, "I'm trying to be like Jesus." Everything I need to know I can learn from him. Love, tolerance and forgiveness is everything.

In one of my dark times I opened up to Cassidy. I sobbed at the end of the bed and told him I didn't know if I loved him. I didn't know what love meant. I was afraid that I didn't understand what marriage is. He wisely replied, "who does?" He honestly expressed that he didn't know any of those things either. Since then my heart has been more open then ever before. Cass and I have walked some rough roads in our short marriage, but our life is now sweeter than it ever has been. We don't walk blindly, but rather with the faith that a marriage based on gospel principles and centered on Christ can overcome great challenges.

I'm learning to love myself on a daily basis. By doing this I'm ready to be loved and appreciate the way my husband expresses his feelings. I see more of my husband's successes and fewer of his faults. I'm amazed at his growth and see him as an equal. I admire him for his unique personality. I can forgive more easily. I can communicate more openly. I can be a better wife.


My testimony is growing. I know that Christ's church has been restored. I have no doubt in my mind. The semi-annual General Conference is taking place this weekend and can be found here.
At this meeting the prophet Thomas S. Monson and other leaders of the church will address the world. This is a special opportunity for anyone to learn more about the teachings of our Savior and to be uplifted and inspired. It is something I truly look forward too. I strongly encourage those who want to learn more about the Mormon church to watch.

look up

I have always loved autumn. There is something so romantic about it. Even though it is super chilly here in Southern Idaho, I ventured out with my two ladies today. I seriously love these girls so much. I am so grateful for them. Even when they are crying in the middle of the night, pitching fits or not eating, I can't get enough of them. We took a walk to "the big park" and I never regret getting some fresh air. Going outside ALWAYS improves my mood. Lately, I've been in awe at nature. I sit outside and just look up. It helps me keep things in perspective. I feel little under the big sky and am instanly humbled.

I am thankful for the life lessons that blossom out of an hour on the sidewalk. 
I'm thankful for the cozy baby snuggled in my bed.
I'm thankful for parents who never stop caring about my happiness.
I am thankful for sisters who make me laugh.
I'm thankful for Cassidy's conversations in his sleep.
I'm thankful just for today.

50 Things That I'm Grateful For

I'm taking some good advice and making a gratitude list. It gets my creative juices flowing and helps me see the bigger picture.I don't think it's any coincidence that tonight I packed all of my daughter's belongs away and put them in boxes until she can learn to be thankful for what she has. She literally has two outfits, one pair of shoes, a pillow and blanket. So I too must continue my ability to be grateful.

I am grateful for:

1.) knowledge of a living God
2.) my healthy body that  makes pretty babies
3.) robin's egg blue framed mirrors
4.) camping in Idaho 
5.) air conditioning
6.) mother's of Eagle Scouts
7.) the Ensign
8.) hair color for $16
9.) the Articles of Faith
10.)the 10th Step
11.) cell phones
12.) tomorrow
13.) Michelle Weber
14.) Mam's pacifiers
15.) old photographs taken before I was born, but of people I know
16.) my purple wrist watch
17.) kombucha
18.) childhood blankies
19.) summer smells
20.) adjusting to really cold lake water
21.) homemade burp clothes
22.) little eyes looking at me while I nurse
23.) love notes
24.) chalk board-worthy inspirations
25.) yesterday
26.) Jenny Zoellner
27.) how my mother gets Saylor breakfast so I can sleep in
28.) for my husband's job
29.) night-time noises
30.) monitarily worthless guitars
31.) the Friend
32.) my majestic king, Jax (my dog)
33.) second, third, fourth, one millionth chances
34.) letting go
35.) holding hands
36.) whisker kisses
37.) fuzzy baby heads
38.) Saylor's voice
39.) care packages from Gigi
40.) needing to cry and being in the right place to do it
41.) a good laugh from pintrest
42.) thrift store shirts that make me feel pretty
43.) milk supply worth bragging about
44.) a sleeping 3 year-old
45.) soundtracked moments
46.) conference talks
47.) non-memember friends quoting conference talks on facebook from pintrest
48.) greeting cards
49.) the snack cupboard
50.) washer 'n dryer

New Baby Thoughts

Sylvia Kaye- 2 Months

In light of recent family events ( the birth of Sylvia and two new nieces), I wanted to share a few things that have really helped me get through these first few months with my new little bundle of joy.

1.) Get motivated!
  If you have a shoe basket and at the bottom of that shoe basket are your running shoes....you're probably feeling large, out of control, and headed for your 16th "snack" for the day. Since our big move to Idaho I've really been trying to schedule in some mommy time. I've written down a food plan and committed to cardio exercise at least three times a week. Even if that means walking around the neighborhood while packing around baby in the carrier. Physical activity (at the right pace for your healing body) can do wonders for your mood and baby's!

2.) Got milk issues?
   Lactation woes are all too common with new mommies, but a few things that I have found REALLY help my milk supply, are drinking LOTS of water, high protien, and Traditional Medicinal brand Mothers Milk tea. Aqua is kind of a obvious solution, but the high protien diet I wouldn't have guessed. I've been drinking a supplement called Muscle Milk that 20grams of protien per bottle! I sampled some of my mom's and now I can't put it down (the supplement, not her breast milk. She's not even lactating)...Anyways, the Mothers Milk tea is sold in most grocery stores. Two or three cups a day of this herbal, organic, and caffiene free tea is guarnteed to increase your milk supply quicker than you'd expect.

3.) Don't be a hero, go for the drugs!
  This has been a little motto around our house lately. Drugs meaning anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. The baby blues are becoming more common especially in those women who already have a history of depression and/or anxiety. You want to be the best mommy you can be and it's important to be honest with yourself about how many changes you can handle at once. I was on a low dosage of anti-anxiety medication during my pregnancy and after baby girl came I discussed my mood decline with my OB and she suggested uping my dose. It has made a world of difference. I can be a better mommy when I've taken care of myself first! Mental health should be a top priority!

4.) Listen to your mommy instincts!  
   Stop Goggling about your baby's milestones, how much she should eat, weigh, sleep etc. Parenting books are based on generalizations and although they can be very helpful and point you in the right direction they should not be used as the letter of the law. You have a bond to your child that no one else does. Relax and watch for your babies cues about she needs. A routine is a good starting point, but don't beat yourself up if you have to adapt to baby's needs. As women we want to do everything right, especially when it comes to parenting. The truth is we are going to make ALOT of mistakes before we get the hang of things. Whether it's your first or your seventh child, each baby is different and has unique needs. Listen to advice with an open mind, but don't be so hard on yourself when baby has a hard time latching or she cries for 20 minutes before dozing off. Do YOUR best. That's all that matters. ( And yes, I do realize I just gave you advice about not taking advice.)

5.) Did you think to pray?
  I'd like to say that each morning the first thing I do is kneel beside my bed in peace and quiet and pour my heart out to my Heavenly Father. The truth is I rarely have adequete time, peace or quiet to pray before my day is set in motion by my crazy three year-old or hungry two month-old. It can be very difficult to find the right moment to express my concerns and thanks to my Father in Heaven. I'll admit that sometimes the first opportunity I have to be alone is while I'm sitting on the toliet. My point is, that on the days that I invite God into my parenting endeavors things seem to be just a little eaiser. I have more patience, more will-power, more love, and more optimism throughout the day.

   Parenting is a HUGE challenge, but nothing will bring you more satisfaction, more understanding, or more love than being a mommy. Keep the big picture in mind and the little things won't seem so bad. Snuggle that little bundle every chance you get and remember, "This too shall pass."

Nelya 2 Minutes-Old

Please Stop Looking the Gift Horse in the Mouth

I've been thinking a lot about the government funded programs such as the Nutrition Assistance Program (more commonly known as food stamps), housing assistance, child care assistance and medical insurance. I've been participating in some of these programs for the past three years and have some very strong feelings on the matter. My family has been extremely blessed to receive assistance with both food costs and health insurance. When my daughter was born she spent four days in the NICU and several months later was diagnosed with a urinary reflux after spending several days in the hospital. All of her medical treatment and medication was covered through AHCCCS (Arizona Health Care Cost Containment System). At the time I was a single mother working full time and going to school full time. Needless to say these services were greatly appreciated.

Earlier this year I had surgery after having a miscarriage. The procedure would have costed over a $10,000, but because I qualified for AHCCCS we didn't have to pay a dime. My husband works full time and is a part time student and I am a full time student. There have been times in our lives, like many other young families, when we simply didn't make enough money to meet our family's needs.

It's not always easy to meet deadlines and verification requirements for the Department of Economic Security. I recently spent seven hours in a DES office only to be told to return later with more documentation for my case. I'll admit, it can be a bit of a hassle to complete case work. However, in the end it is completely worth it. SO HERE IS MY ISSUE----> Every time I am at a DES office the room is flooded with vulgarity, whining and complaining from fellow benefit recipients about the job performance of DES employees and the program in general. Persons waiting in line are openly demanding and angry. Does anyone else see a problem with this? I am frankly appalled that people have the nerve to complain about the FREE services they are receiving. Because they are required to submit paper work for verification and visit an office for a few hours they seem to forget how their welfare benefits are made possible. Hard working American citizens tax dollars grant the underprivileged an opportunity to make their own lives better. Nobody owes them anything. They are lucky to be U.S. citizens. Considering the THOUSANDS of dollars that one individual may receive or save each year, they should be very grateful. I suggest they educate themselves on the welfare programs of such country's as the Republic of the Congo or some other wore torn nation. Maybe then they will appreciate the luxury's of a U.S. citizen. I personally consider myself extremely lucky to live in a country that will recognize my families needs and will offer help if ask.

I am also aware that I am part of a greater purpose. Meaning, I am a U.S. citizen who has an obligation to be productive and contribute to my community whenever possible. As I previously mentioned I am a full time student and working towards bettering my future. I do not consider government benefits a long term solution. When I achieve my goal of becoming a registered nurse, I will have the chance to give back to my country/fellow working citizens, by paying sufficient taxes on my wages.

I know welfare programs are a touchy subject, but anyone participating in a government assistance program should be very careful not to take for granted the gifts they receive. In other words, if you're sticking your hand out, you should probably keep your mouth shut.

Blessings in Disguise

 About a month ago my husband was let go from his job. We were a little nervous at first, but have really taken this opportunity to build our faith in our Father in Heaven. It has added a little more stress to our lives, but also opened new doors. Cass is a plumber by trade and has picked up enough side jobs to keep us going. It has also given him more time with Saylor and I. It has really given us a chance to grow as a family. We are trying our best to cover our bases, spiritually speaking. We can't afford to cut any corners there. He recently found full time employment which is a wonderful answer to our prayers.

Things have not all been cupcakes and roses by any means, but I see the Lord blessing our family everyday. Mostly, I see how the Lord works through his servants. We have had so many hands lifting us up.

I love that we have had more time with Cass, even if was for a few weeks. Saylor loves chasing after him on his skateboard. A few more months and she'll be ready for her own.

 feeding the ducks

  I forgot to mention in my last post that the best birthday present I got was my new camera. I was sick of posting crappy camera phone pics and Cass had me convinced that we couldn't afford a new camera. Surprises are the best! Now I can capture all his nice moves.

All is Well

My little family was faced with some hard things this past week. The funny thing is we have been so busy with adventures and blessings that I keep forgetting our problems. Perhaps I am in denial, but I have been so blessed with the comfort of the spirit that I have not felt an ounce of anxiety over the issue. In the moments when the issue does come to mind it is quickly replaced with the humble phrase, "all is well." 

I know we are on the right path. I know that my Heavenly Father will keep his promises. If I do what is right then things will be okay. That doesn't mean that all my problems will disappear, but rather by problems will not break me. I will be able to bare them with greater ease.

I am so proud of my husband. He has been an incredible example to me. His honesty and willingness to live by spiritual principles has inspired me. I will NEVER forget this time in our lives. These  difficult things have undoubtedly brought us closer together. I love him more than I ever imagined I could love someone.

All is well.

...Ye, are only in the Service of your God

Wow. I am in awe. I just feel so full of joy and hope and gratitude right now. I love Mesa, Arizona more everyday. I am especially in love with the people. When I first moved to this area of Mesa I felt loathsome and judgemental. I viewed the people and neighborhoods as "beneath me" and couldn't wait to move on from this chapter of my life. Now, I see how ignorant I was. Mother Theresa said, "if you judge people, you have no room to love them". Everyday I encounter people in this community who inspire me. I see the humility of the this class of people and I admire it. The 'nothing-to-lose' sincerity of these people is life-changing.  There is pain, regret, suffering, and selfishness among us. There is loss, there is helplessness and futility. My source of inspiration blooms from the willingness of this community to help one another. No one is immune from the hardships of life. There is an opportunity that arises in communities such as mine to serve each other. When our own problems become unbearable there is a God-given formula that can release us from our misery. The formula includes an open mind and a sacrifice of some kind. We might sacrifice our pride and smile at someone we do not normally favor. We can donate belongings or make a monetary offering to our church or charitable organizations. But to me a sacrifice of our time yields the greatest outcome.

I have felt so sorry for myself in the past few months that I have been oblivious. I have been oblivious to the needs of my fellowman. I have sorely neglected the principle most vital for anyone as chornically self-centered as I needed to survive. My willingness to help has been clouded by my selfishness. That is why I am grateful to be surrounded by my meek neighbors who are so willing to help remind me. Even though I am so bitterly proud and egotistical, I have been lovingly welcomed into a fellowship and a community of my brothers and sisters. We are all God's children and God is no respecter of persons. It does not matter if you are a "have" or a "have-not". We are all equal in the eyes of God. We are equally worthy of his grace. Therefore we have a responsiblity, IF we desire the blessings he has to offer. Here is to my willingness to be avaliable to for my brothers and sisters!

(I'm not sure what these two beautiful girls have to do with service, besides the are slowly but surely learning that when they share what they have, life is sweeter!)

Candid Creation

I have felt so overwhelmed with emotions for my family. We had the privilege of spending a lot of time together this past holiday weekend.  There have been so many little things that have made me smile lately. I love how my little family is growing and learning, together and individually. Each person has needs and desires. It's hard to find a healthy balance to make everyone happy or satisfied. I find the more I give and sacrifice the happier I am. Even though we live in a little apartment, nothing fancy, I enjoy personalizing it and making it a home. It is a place that my family and I have in common for a sense of safety, peace and refuge. It is important to me to make that environment comfortable and as pleasant as possible.

Saylor and I have been thrift store shopping. I found this adorable pillow case at Mesa Thrift and I fell in love with it. I want to get a matching bed set for Saylor's new big girl bed.

I am so proud to have this piece of furniture. My father has always had a talent for wood working, but over the past few years has really devoted significant time to perfecting his craft. I have several pieces placed in my home. Saylor takes so much pride in her custom princess bed. In this picture alone you can see the toy box, rocking chair and bed which are signature pieces by my father. I am so impressed by the development of his skills and the many treasures he has constructed for our family over the years. They hold special memories and I'm sure the sentiment will only become stronger as the years pass. Thanks, Dad!

Daddy's idea of keeping an eye on Saylor. She likes to bury people with her toys. The mess means there's people living here.  I'm thankful that Cass can find a moment to relax within the chaos of our lives.

'thrifting'

I don't know why, but this little fashionista makes me think of 'little miss muffet'. 

The simple pleasures of being a Nanny.  Creation is a innate God-like characteristic. When there isn't time left in the day to create something breath-takingly fantastic; play. Resort to playdough,  crayons, Mr. Potato Head, a puzzle or some blocks. Create something. I spend most of my time trying to create order and rarely achieving it. I have few minutes here and there to blog or improve my domestic skills and it keeps me smiling. What do you create?

Thankful

Finding myself dwelling on my recent failures, I decided I need to make a detailed list of the things that I am grateful for. I'm hoping to regain some focus and perspective of the truly blessed life I have.

I am thankful for:

Cassidy's laugh lines around his eyes.
The soft skin under Saylor's chin.
That perfect stride half way through my run.
The harmony of my sisters voices.
The morning glow through my bedroom curtains.
Big sunglasses
A cold drink of water.
The freedom to praise God as I please.
The saftey of my little apartment.
Friends that I can be vulnerable with.
Friends that rely on me.
Train whistles in the distance.
Eating imaginary food with Saylor.
My mom's carmel corn on Halloween.
Financial miracles.
Quiet mornings.
A cup of tea with Emily.
Baby Wesley's happy cheeks.
The orange tree outside the kitchen window.
Little treasures from Jenny.
Every sober moment.
Five dollars in my wallet.
The smell of peppermint.
Saylor's love for cereal.
Familiar stories on mommy blogs.
Desert winds.
Open temple doors.
My dad's hand-writing.
Cassidy's songs.
Guiltless love.
Unconditional love.
Matchless love.

Analogy

Yesterday, my mind was open. I was pondering and searching for answers to difficult questions. I encountered several events through out the day that seemed to apply directly to what I was feeling.

As I was getting gas a young man came up to me. He couldn't have been more than 27 or 28, but he was dirty looking. He asked for some money so I reached for some cash and a pass-along card. (A pass-along card is a small picture of Jesus or a Holy temple on one side and a phone number to call on the other that provides information about my church). He took it and replied "Oh, you're a Mormon. Me too! So is my family. I severed a mission in Vancouver, Canada." We didn't say much more and he was quickly on his way. Reaching for the cash was easy, but finding the courage to offer the card was much more difficult. It was hard to see that returned missionary dirty and alone. He was obviously in some sort of trouble, my guess was substance abuse. His eyes were red and he was jittery. Even though he was a stranger I understood him. I used to be him. I am married to him. He is some of my best friends. Unfortunately, it is a common story. But now I regret not doing more. I should have asked him questions. I should have offered him more. He is all of us. I should offer all that I have. I should have offered all of my knowledge. I should have shared my pain and my relief. I should have offered the peace and confidence I now enjoy. I should have tried harder.

Later that night I took Saylor (my two year old daughter) to Chick-fil-a to let her play, (it's clean and free...two of mommy's favorite things). The stairs to climb to the slide where off set on either side of a vertical tube. She couldn't coordinate herself to climb from one stair to the other. She kept asking for help, but I couldn't fit into the tiny child space I could instruct her, but she had to do it herself. A few minutes later another child, somebody on her level, came along and offered to help her. He climbed one step ahead of her and then took her by the hand and pulled her up. The little boy did this several times. It came naturally to him and he was happy to help her. He did something that neither I nor Saylor could do. I watched this and thought that he just mirrored so perfectly our responsibility to help others. We are our Heavenly Fathers hands. He wants to help us and he can prompt us, but he will work through others. I was touched by this young child's selfless act and the happiness he brought to my child. I caught a glimpse of how God must feel when we love and serve eachother willingly. I loved watching the little boy "lift" Saylor up when she could go no further. This is example was the answer I was searchiing for.