Mommy Confessions

I just realized that my toddler's "lunch" today consisted of random snacking throughout the hours of 10:30am and 3pm. The items consumed consisted of:

fried French toast

McDonald's fries

PowerAde

Doritos

and Valentines M&M's

I would feel guilty, but I'm too lazy.

Natural Birth vs. Epidural

In my delicate, hormonal, impregnated condition I'm finding it irresistible to not weigh in on every topic and issue that crosses my path. Obviously, one of the major ones in my realm is whether or not to use medical pain relief during labor.

Labor and delivery with an epidural 
With my first daughter, the labor was relatively normal. The hospital staff administered pitocin to speed up the labor. When I reached eight centimeters dilated I heard someone screaming hysterically in the middle of one of my contractions. As the contraction subsided I realized that I was the one screaming. I was completely detached from the situation. I felt out of control and was shaking uncontrollably and I was terrified like nothing else.

It was at this point that I chose to have the epidural. It took the anesthesiologist longer than normally to insert the catheter in between my vertebrae because my back was so tense. When the epidural was finally administered, the pain was relieved and I was completely dead weight from the waist down. Somehow, I was still able to control my abdominal muscles to push. I was able to focus and be present in the moment, but now I felt out of control in a different way.

Because of complications caused by the nurse, Saylor was rushed to the NICU (she broke the umbilical cord before clamping it, causing Saylor to loose blood quickly). Because I was immobilized by the epidural, I was unable to be with my daughter for two hours after I gave birth to her.

The hospital staff was unable to remove the epidural catheter from my back. It is made of rubbery, balloon like material and if they pulled to hard it could break, leaving part of it still in my back. In this case, it would require surgery to remove the rest of the catheter.  This problem delayed me even longer to be present with my newborn daughter. Eventually, a training anesthesiologist was able to remove the catheter 15 hours after the delivery.

Labor and delivery without an epidural
My labor with my second daughter Syliva, was much different. I labored at home for about two hours and would have labored longer, but my husband made the smart choice to go to the hospital. The contractions were right on top of each other and the pain was significantly more intense then I had remembered. By the time we reached the hospital I was fully dilated and it was too late for any pain relief. Sylvia was already crowning and the nurses were coaching me to try to avoid pushing. The doctor was not at the hospital yet and they wanted to wait for her. I didn't care who was or wasn't there at that point and shot Sylvia out like a cannon. The relief I felt after delivery was incredible. As much pain as I was feeling seconds before was equal to the elation and pleasure I felt after she was born. I felt a flood of adrenaline and natural instincts kicking in. Sylvia needed minor help through message to help stimulate breathing rhythm and then was placed in my arms. Minutes after giving birth she was latched onto my breast and feeding. Unlike, Saylor who struggled for three months to breastfed before being weened to a bottle. My recovery was phenomenal. I felt like I could get up and go immediately after giving birth. Between the recovery and bonding benefits, I would highly recommend all natural birth.

I realize that each woman is different and each situation is unique. If Syliva hadn't come so quickly I don't know if I would have been strong enough to resist the temptation of an epidural. I don't believe that an epidural in itself is harmful to the baby or mother. However, just like with my first experience, little things can go wrong that are less then ideal and can be avoided. I think that we should not label one method right or wrong. This is simply my experience thus far.

There is something so empowering about doing what other women have done for thousands of years. To allow my body to perform to its fullest capacity without any artificial impact. There is simply no other feeling or experience like it. As a Mormon, my thoughts were turned to my pioneer ancestors and the incredible trial that they endured of bearing children in unimaginable conditions. Natural birth gave me a glimpse into the issues they had face. The pain aside, I couldn't imagine the circumstances they had face in order bring their children into the world. Although I felt good enough to get up and walk out of the hospital, I didn't have to. These pioneer women on the other hand did. Because of their faith, the most likely took very little time to rest and recuperate before continuing their journey west. If that's not inspirational, then I don't know what is!

The Thick and the Thin

It's difficult for me to express what is jumping inside me. My love for life has grown exponentially over the past several months. The confusion, depression, worry and fear that often hold me down has gradually been lifted. A combination of deepening faith and strengthened relationships has scooped me up and pushed me forward. As a family we continually struggle financially. Cassidy is in the last semester of school. He is finishing an Associates degree in communications while working part time in an energy analyses company. I work overnight shifts four times a week as a nursing assistant in senior care. In addition to church callings, children, housework, exercise and recovery, we are a busy family. Like most families we are just trying to make it through the day. Stress can easily become so overwhelming that I just want is to (and sometimes do) curl up into a little ball and cry. However, I am extremely blessed to have to the knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father. 

 

"I know my Father lives and loves me to. The spirit whispers this to me and tells me it is true." 

I am continually humbled by the simple expressions of God's love in my daily life. Recently Sylvia was crying in the middle of the night. I couldn't soothe her. I held her on the couch, exhausted. I knew Saylor was awake too. I worried that she would start crying as well. Instead, I heard her delicate whisper as she prayed. She prayed for our family. She prayed for her baby sister. In her simple language she poured out her heart to her Heavenly Father to bless us. It was a tender moment that I will never forget. When I think my hard work may be in vain, something extraordinary happens.

I was touched by Cassidy's courage this week as he was away on a business trip. By nature my husband is very reserved. He is has a difficult time expressing personal elements of his life. Somehow, the topic of religion arose during the trip. Uncharacteristically, Cassidy shared why the gospel was important to him. He told his boss why he loved the church and why he wants to raise his family by its teachings. The following day, his boss approached him and commended him for his hard-work. He asked if he could really commit to being apart of the business. When Cassidy assured him that he intended on giving it his all he was offered a raise.

I know that the motivation and excitement that fuel me are not my doing. They can't be. When I get really honest with myself I find what needs to be cleared away. I see what isn't making me happy. I find that loving myself is crucial to my happiness and my ability to serve others. I want so badly to be loved and appreciated yet I'm unwilling to offer the same to anyone, including myself. Loving and praising my family, my co-workers, my neighbors, my ward and strangers lights me up. It dusts away my resentments, unrighteous judgments and insecurities. Simply put, "I'm trying to be like Jesus." Everything I need to know I can learn from him. Love, tolerance and forgiveness is everything.

In one of my dark times I opened up to Cassidy. I sobbed at the end of the bed and told him I didn't know if I loved him. I didn't know what love meant. I was afraid that I didn't understand what marriage is. He wisely replied, "who does?" He honestly expressed that he didn't know any of those things either. Since then my heart has been more open then ever before. Cass and I have walked some rough roads in our short marriage, but our life is now sweeter than it ever has been. We don't walk blindly, but rather with the faith that a marriage based on gospel principles and centered on Christ can overcome great challenges.

I'm learning to love myself on a daily basis. By doing this I'm ready to be loved and appreciate the way my husband expresses his feelings. I see more of my husband's successes and fewer of his faults. I'm amazed at his growth and see him as an equal. I admire him for his unique personality. I can forgive more easily. I can communicate more openly. I can be a better wife.


My testimony is growing. I know that Christ's church has been restored. I have no doubt in my mind. The semi-annual General Conference is taking place this weekend and can be found here.
At this meeting the prophet Thomas S. Monson and other leaders of the church will address the world. This is a special opportunity for anyone to learn more about the teachings of our Savior and to be uplifted and inspired. It is something I truly look forward too. I strongly encourage those who want to learn more about the Mormon church to watch.

First child vs. Second child

A lot has changed since I first became a mother more than four years ago. I wanted to do everything right for my precious little bundle of joy. Although I still want the world for my children, I just don't put the same passion into things that i used to. Be it convenience, finances or just a shift in values..my parenting has certainly adapted from the first child to the second. The following is a somewhat humorous list of things that have changed.

1.) First Child
Hand washed bottles with
All natural, chemical free soap and dried on separate drying rack.
Second Child
Use the same bottle for three feedings then toss in the dishwasher.
2.) First Child
Fed Organic formula, organic baby food and organic snacks exclusively until she was two.
Second Child
Fed whatever was the cheapest brand of formula from Wal-mart, Cheerios, and Mac 'n cheese.
3.) First Child
Used biodegradable and cloth diapers until she was potty trained.
Second Child
Use the Parents Choice brand unless I got coupon
4.) First Child
Vacuumed the living room and nursery daily and then laid a blanket down for her to play.
Second Child
Maybe vacuum every other week and do occasional mouth sweeps
5.) First Child
Strictly followed the Babywise sleep routine, baby sleeping through the night at 8wks, in her own room at four months.
Second Child
9 months old and still sleeping in our bed.

look up

I have always loved autumn. There is something so romantic about it. Even though it is super chilly here in Southern Idaho, I ventured out with my two ladies today. I seriously love these girls so much. I am so grateful for them. Even when they are crying in the middle of the night, pitching fits or not eating, I can't get enough of them. We took a walk to "the big park" and I never regret getting some fresh air. Going outside ALWAYS improves my mood. Lately, I've been in awe at nature. I sit outside and just look up. It helps me keep things in perspective. I feel little under the big sky and am instanly humbled.

I am thankful for the life lessons that blossom out of an hour on the sidewalk. 
I'm thankful for the cozy baby snuggled in my bed.
I'm thankful for parents who never stop caring about my happiness.
I am thankful for sisters who make me laugh.
I'm thankful for Cassidy's conversations in his sleep.
I'm thankful just for today.

Ode to Arizona

Watching Tank

Rhinestone Cowboy

Abandoned

Grandfather

Wherever the Wind May Take Us

Great-Great Billie

Tree of Life

After four years of living in the Arizona desert I am saying good-bye. I never thought that it would be difficult. Whether I liked it or not, after four years....the desert became my home. I met my husband there. It is were both my daughters were born. My "extended" family became my familia. I cried as I left. I am happy for the memories and friends I made in the desert. These are a few of the last moments I spent in Arizona. I feel a sense of pride having lived in the land of cowboys and Indians. I will not forget the lessons the desert taught me. There are so many people that I love in Arizona. I owe many of my friends and loved ones in Mesa an apology. I have not been in very good contact. Maybe it is selfish, but it hurts to hear the voices of those I left behind. As an adult I have become quite sentimental. Please accept my apology if you haven't heard from me. I promise we will talk soon. For now, Adios Amigos!

Explore

This is how we do Saturdays. We explore. We share Subway sandwiches. We browse farmers markets. We find water. We sit in the sun. We love and are loved.

50 Things That I'm Grateful For

I'm taking some good advice and making a gratitude list. It gets my creative juices flowing and helps me see the bigger picture.I don't think it's any coincidence that tonight I packed all of my daughter's belongs away and put them in boxes until she can learn to be thankful for what she has. She literally has two outfits, one pair of shoes, a pillow and blanket. So I too must continue my ability to be grateful.

I am grateful for:

1.) knowledge of a living God
2.) my healthy body that  makes pretty babies
3.) robin's egg blue framed mirrors
4.) camping in Idaho 
5.) air conditioning
6.) mother's of Eagle Scouts
7.) the Ensign
8.) hair color for $16
9.) the Articles of Faith
10.)the 10th Step
11.) cell phones
12.) tomorrow
13.) Michelle Weber
14.) Mam's pacifiers
15.) old photographs taken before I was born, but of people I know
16.) my purple wrist watch
17.) kombucha
18.) childhood blankies
19.) summer smells
20.) adjusting to really cold lake water
21.) homemade burp clothes
22.) little eyes looking at me while I nurse
23.) love notes
24.) chalk board-worthy inspirations
25.) yesterday
26.) Jenny Zoellner
27.) how my mother gets Saylor breakfast so I can sleep in
28.) for my husband's job
29.) night-time noises
30.) monitarily worthless guitars
31.) the Friend
32.) my majestic king, Jax (my dog)
33.) second, third, fourth, one millionth chances
34.) letting go
35.) holding hands
36.) whisker kisses
37.) fuzzy baby heads
38.) Saylor's voice
39.) care packages from Gigi
40.) needing to cry and being in the right place to do it
41.) a good laugh from pintrest
42.) thrift store shirts that make me feel pretty
43.) milk supply worth bragging about
44.) a sleeping 3 year-old
45.) soundtracked moments
46.) conference talks
47.) non-memember friends quoting conference talks on facebook from pintrest
48.) greeting cards
49.) the snack cupboard
50.) washer 'n dryer

New Baby Thoughts

Sylvia Kaye- 2 Months

In light of recent family events ( the birth of Sylvia and two new nieces), I wanted to share a few things that have really helped me get through these first few months with my new little bundle of joy.

1.) Get motivated!
  If you have a shoe basket and at the bottom of that shoe basket are your running shoes....you're probably feeling large, out of control, and headed for your 16th "snack" for the day. Since our big move to Idaho I've really been trying to schedule in some mommy time. I've written down a food plan and committed to cardio exercise at least three times a week. Even if that means walking around the neighborhood while packing around baby in the carrier. Physical activity (at the right pace for your healing body) can do wonders for your mood and baby's!

2.) Got milk issues?
   Lactation woes are all too common with new mommies, but a few things that I have found REALLY help my milk supply, are drinking LOTS of water, high protien, and Traditional Medicinal brand Mothers Milk tea. Aqua is kind of a obvious solution, but the high protien diet I wouldn't have guessed. I've been drinking a supplement called Muscle Milk that 20grams of protien per bottle! I sampled some of my mom's and now I can't put it down (the supplement, not her breast milk. She's not even lactating)...Anyways, the Mothers Milk tea is sold in most grocery stores. Two or three cups a day of this herbal, organic, and caffiene free tea is guarnteed to increase your milk supply quicker than you'd expect.

3.) Don't be a hero, go for the drugs!
  This has been a little motto around our house lately. Drugs meaning anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medication. The baby blues are becoming more common especially in those women who already have a history of depression and/or anxiety. You want to be the best mommy you can be and it's important to be honest with yourself about how many changes you can handle at once. I was on a low dosage of anti-anxiety medication during my pregnancy and after baby girl came I discussed my mood decline with my OB and she suggested uping my dose. It has made a world of difference. I can be a better mommy when I've taken care of myself first! Mental health should be a top priority!

4.) Listen to your mommy instincts!  
   Stop Goggling about your baby's milestones, how much she should eat, weigh, sleep etc. Parenting books are based on generalizations and although they can be very helpful and point you in the right direction they should not be used as the letter of the law. You have a bond to your child that no one else does. Relax and watch for your babies cues about she needs. A routine is a good starting point, but don't beat yourself up if you have to adapt to baby's needs. As women we want to do everything right, especially when it comes to parenting. The truth is we are going to make ALOT of mistakes before we get the hang of things. Whether it's your first or your seventh child, each baby is different and has unique needs. Listen to advice with an open mind, but don't be so hard on yourself when baby has a hard time latching or she cries for 20 minutes before dozing off. Do YOUR best. That's all that matters. ( And yes, I do realize I just gave you advice about not taking advice.)

5.) Did you think to pray?
  I'd like to say that each morning the first thing I do is kneel beside my bed in peace and quiet and pour my heart out to my Heavenly Father. The truth is I rarely have adequete time, peace or quiet to pray before my day is set in motion by my crazy three year-old or hungry two month-old. It can be very difficult to find the right moment to express my concerns and thanks to my Father in Heaven. I'll admit that sometimes the first opportunity I have to be alone is while I'm sitting on the toliet. My point is, that on the days that I invite God into my parenting endeavors things seem to be just a little eaiser. I have more patience, more will-power, more love, and more optimism throughout the day.

   Parenting is a HUGE challenge, but nothing will bring you more satisfaction, more understanding, or more love than being a mommy. Keep the big picture in mind and the little things won't seem so bad. Snuggle that little bundle every chance you get and remember, "This too shall pass."

Nelya 2 Minutes-Old

Sylvia

Sylvia Kaye Zoellner

04/19/12

7 lbs 1 oz

    Here she is world. The bundle of joy that we have been waiting for! Miss Sylvia Kaye Zoellner was born at 12:51am April 19th 2012. My water broke around 10:30pm and my contractions were getting intense, but I delayed going to the hospital because we had a false alarm the week before and I wasn't exactly thinking clearly. I was afraid maybe I was mistaken and that this was just false labor. Luckily, my mom and Cassidy were there to help. Cass, did an amazing job getting me in the car and to the hospital. I had told him through out the pregnancy that it's not like you see the movies with the dad speeding to the hospital. It ended up being exactly like that! My volume was getting loud ("this one goes to 11"...is how Cass described it ). As we entered triage the nurse looked me in the eye and told me I needed to calm down. That was before she checked me and realized what all the screaming was about. They rushed me off to the delivery room and I was ready to throw my attempt at a natural birth out the window. Fortunately, I didn't have a choice at this point, baby was on her way! Ten minutes after we got to the hospital she was born! I wouldn't have had it any other way. I got my wish to have her naturally and she is fantastically healthy. Her face was one big bruise from coming out so quickly and the cord was wrapped pretty tightly around her neck, but the nurses were so wonderful. We were extremely impressed with the staff and how quickly they handled the whole situation. I felt like it went perfectly.

    I was thankful to have my sweet husband by my side. He held my hand and stayed calm. It was an incredible experience to look over at his face during this precious moment. I think both of our us are overcome with gratitude for the growth of our family. I didn't think my heart could be anymore complete, but now I have a small glimpse of how Heavenly Father must feel about each of us.

   Sylvia has been a phenomenal eater and sleeps like an angel. We are overjoyed to have her in our lives...all though it feels like she's always been here.



  Sylvia is named after my favorite Miike Snow song. The name Sylvia means forest. We are firgue we have water (Saylor) and Earth (Sylvia), so our other kids should be named after fire and air, right? Her middle name Kaye is my middle name and a family name for five generations now.

  Saylor Mia is also handling the situation amazingly well. She loves her baby sister and is excited to play with her. She is already protective and often gives us instruction on how to properly care for her. I was afraid she would be confused and upset, but she doesn't seem threatened at all. I think it has really helped to have her Nana here to be her 24/7 playmate.

  We are extremely blessed to have so many people around us that have helped us through the pregnancy and after the birth. I don't know what we would have done without Cassidy's family and my family chipping in to pick up the pieces. We have had so many friends lend a helping hand to make this one of the most wonderful times in our lives. I can't say thank you enough!

Mean Kids

How do you handle mean kids on the playground? You know when one child is excluded from the group and everyone runs away from them? That was Saylor today and it was breaking my heart. She was so sweet and innocent. A group of older kids (maybe 6 or 7 year olds) were saying, "she's coming! Run away! She's little, don't let her get by us." She was pretending to be a puppy or chasing after them saying, "hey friends, wait!" She loves interacting with other kids. It's what she lives for. Luckily, she didn't understand exactly what was going on and so her feelings weren't hurt. I couldn't stand around and wait for her to figure out what was going on so I packed her up and we left.


As I review the situation now, I realize I could have made lemonade out of lemons. I could have gently asked the children if they could play a different game that included everyone. Or I could have loving persuaded Saylor to let me push her on the swings. However, my emotions were too much at the time. I couldn't stand watching my sweet little child be treated poorly.


I realized how naive I am today. There is so much I can't protect my child from and it kills me. I don't want her feelings to get hurt. I want her to have kind loving friends who are good examples. Unfortunately, this is the real world. Kids are going to be mean. She is going to feel lonely at times. I won't always be there to hold her and reassure her. How do I prepare her for all of this? How do I prepare myself?!

Primary Responsibility

Each day I am faced with thousands of choices. What to wear, where to go, who to see, what to do, how to behave, what music to listen to, etc. I have approached a fork in the road. Each step I take seems like a critical choice. I feel like there aren't enough hours in the day to devote enough time to everything (and everyone) that is important to me. I feel the biggest choice I make each day is how I will budget my time. What will most of my energy go into today? Unfortunately, I often find that I am thinking of myself and my problems. After praying and pondering about how I can be more centered I was reminded of the Proclamation on the Family. In this inspired document, my responsibilities are very clearly outlined in one simple sentence; "Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children." After feeling like the rope in a tug-of-war, the previous sentence brought me relief. It is a win, win situation. When we choose to be devoted to our children we reap great blessings. To help put my renewed focus into action I wrote down a few main points/goals on the subject.

to be the best mother possible, I must do the following:

a.) be aware of Saylor's physical, emotional, social and spiritual needs

b.) be a good wife and example of a virtuous woman

c.) attend to her welfare

d.) live the lessons I am teaching her

e.) show her that I love her

As much as I struggle to be a good mother, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Motherhood has made me, stronger, happier, and more committed to my beliefs. I am so blessed to be a woman! It is almost too much to truly appreciate. Being a mother has brought me a sense of confidence and accomplishment. As long as my child is well cared for I have no reason to feel inadequate. The chaos of life seems to simmer as I gear my energy towards playing Hi-Ho Cherry-O with my two year-old. Even on the worst days, there is no where else I'd rather be! Being a mother is my primary responsibility.

Tempe Splash Pad

With these long hot days in the Phoenix Valley, it is really hard to keep kids happy! I have been so fed up with putting my child infront of the computer because I've run out of ways to entertain her. Luckily, I found one of the BEST ways for her to get some energy out and have fun; the Tempe Town Lake Splash Pad!! (Corner of MILL AND RIO SALADO PKWY, open 10am-7pm).

 (Airplanes!)

 

Pancake Love

I spent the morning with my beautiful daughter, Saylor, making chocolate chip pancakes. I can't believe how she is turning into a person right before my eyes. Everyday I watch her grow and become more lovely. She is able to do so much on her own these days. She is entering a phase where I can actually use her help. She was full of joy as she poured ingredients into the bowl and mixed it up. She is slowly learning to be patient. She asks important, valid and smart questions about the world. She is trying to understand each detail of life and put it together like a puzzle. I told her that we are going to a rodeo this weekend, and once I got to the part about the horses she was jumping with excitement screaming, "I go to a radio, radio, radio!!" It must be hard to learn words and meanings. And to learn that some words have the same meanings and that some words are spelled the same, but have different meanings. I am impressed with Saylor's level of understanding. She will be three in October and already she is asking to go to school. My heart breaks at the thought of her leaving. I can't imagine a life without seeing her everyday. I am quick to complain about how much work being a mother is and then when I leave I miss her terribly within an hour.

There is a beautiful article in this months Ensign about setting aside a few moments each day to give one-on-one attention to your family members. It is difficult to find an activity to do with young children that will hold their attention and run smoothly. I have had to be willing to leave my comfort zone as a mother, by allowing things to get a little messy or loud at times if it means an opportunity to bond with my daughter. This morning was a great success. She was entertained and felt good about herself for helping. We were listening to Band of Horses (currently our favorite band) and I felt genuinely happy to be sharing that moment with my baby.

So much of my daughters ability to enjoy life depends on the tools that I give her. If every time she has a surge of overwhelming emotion (aka a tantrum), and I react by shaming her, or sooth her with food, it's likely that she will find it difficult to control or understand her emotions as she gets older. I am eagerly devising a way that I can help my daughter cope with her feelings as they arise. I do not want to mute her sense of confidence. She is strong, outgoing, compassionate, and silly. When nurtured, these qualities will enrich her life. However if she is taught to be pacified by immediate stimulation (i.e. electronics, food etc.) then that is what she will turn to in the future. What a critical time in a child's life.
I was given the idea to carry a small bag of 10 coins, buttons, beans, or any other small item. Every time a stressful situation arises give the child the bag and have them count the items or line them up if the child is too young to count. This is a quick diversion that allows the child to step away from the situation without feeling shameful.

I have struggled with guilt and low self-esteem my entire life. I can't remember a time when I didn't feel like everyone else was better than me. No guilt can compare to "mommy-guilt" though. I worry that although I'm with her 24/7 that I often take her for granted. I find myself brushing her aside to often. On the other hand I've come up with a mantra that has really helped me to over come "mommy-guilt" as it arises. Around the time that she has slammed my head in the fridge for the third time in morning I calmly guide her to bedroom and close the door for a timeout. She begins to sob and kick and I can just picture her sad little face. This is where the mantra comes in.

She's a white-American child.

She is fed.

She is clothed.

She is in an air-conditioned room, full of

toys games, puzzles, books, and stuffed animals.

She is not being abused.

She will still live even if she is mad at me.

You are her mother, not her friend.

Boundaries will be tested. Hair will be cut with kid scissors. Lemonade will be dumped on your lap top (sorry, Cass). Carpets will be peed on. Random grapes will be eaten off of the floor at Wal-mart; but lessons will be learned. When all is said and done, it's all worth it because she is mine. Even during the chaos there's nowhere else I'd rather be.