The Reality of Imperfection and Humanity

It hit me the other day while sifting through super cute blogs, that although blogging can be very therapeutic and fulfilling it can also be somewhat decieving. The reader is only exposed to what the blogger WANTS them to see. The material is only as honest as the blogger is willing to be. It also depends on the audience I suppose. I find myself censoring much of what I REALLY want to say because I'm afraid of who will read it. So I'd like to devote this post to the reality of MY life.

The majority of my time is spent unshowered, in my comfies (that I only wash when I can visibly see that they need to be washed), my face covered in zits, while sitting in my living room.

I've been attempting to potty train this little angel for almost a year now...

...and she still poops in her pants daily....

....I've threatened to spank her if she has an accident....

....chances are, if you walk into our house at any given moment...this is where you will find my daughter. I swore I would never be one of THOSE parents who stuck their kid in front of the TV all day....but I get pretty lazy, and this is easier.

...I've struggled with depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. I attempted to treat my symtoms with drugs and alcohol for roughly six years. I've pushed away painful emotions by eating compulsively and I fight it daily, I've gained 20lbs in a year. Yup....

...I leave my daughter alone maybe longer than I should.....

...after almost four years of sobriety my husband relapsed on perscription pain medication that I had been perscribed after having a miscarriage. Addiction is a part of our lives. It sucks, but when I look at it from an outside perspective I find myself cracking up about the whole thing.

..against medical adivce, I suggested he tough out withdrawls. I dragged him to yoga with me and sought the advice of a certified herbalist to help with the detox. It's amazing what you can get your husband to when he's in the dog house.

I can't afford to dress trendy or stock up on craft supplies. I don't have a beautiful photography talent and I've never ran a marathon. I yell at my kid and say words in her presence that two year-olds probably shouldn't hear. I procrastinate and I although I am passionate about lots of issues I rarely live up to my own advice.

Like most woman I like to be surrounded by beautiful things. It's nice to look at someone's slide show of goodies in their life but, sometimes it's hard to relate to perfection. I love the gospel and I know the church is true. My testimony is my lifeline. I don't expect Heavenly Father to solve my problems or make me happy...but he makes things bareable.

"...but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." -1 Corinthians 10:13

I have to work at my happiness. I have to work for good grades. I struggle to be patient and kind. I feed my child candy and processed foods on a regular basis. I judge others too quickly because I am insecure. I am imperfect, but there is a beautiful thing about imperfection; I need help. I am in need of healing.

"And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficent for all me that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things becoem strong unto them." -Ether 12:27

I look back on the spiritual progress that I have made in my life and I can honestly attribute every step to the guidance of my Savior Jesus Christ. I approach each new phase of my life thinking "there is no why I can do this," and some how I make it through, stronger and wiser. I love my fellow bloggers. They are encouraging. They motivate me to become better. I am grateful for the stories that expose they person behind the blogger. I'm thankful to be a part of this community. It's helped me to develop my talents and helped me open up. I hope that others feel comfortable asking questions and sharing similiar experiences. I also hope I do not offend anyone, as that is not my intention. With that I'll pass....

In My Place

Wow! Like most weeks I have been a whirlwind of emotion and learning. I have really felt a wealth of lessons to be learned pouring down on me right now in almost every area of my life. I'm learning how to be a supportive, loving, non-selfish wife. I'm learning how to be a caring, devoted, understanding mother. I am learning to be confident, forgiving, and happy in myself. I have some how turned into one of the those people that has to WORK to be happy. As a child I was so care free and easy going. Like most adults, I've made things complicated. I am learning to accept my Heavenly Father's help in all of this. I'm learning how to be a delagent and teachable student.

I am learning to TRUST God's plan for me. I am learning to see him in every aspect of my life. Just when I'm not sure if I can go any further he picks up the pieces and puts me back in myt place. I am learning about money and time and the extensive organization that it takes to balance both. I'm learning about HEALTHY relationships. Relationships with my mother, my daughter, my visiting teaching sisters, my husband, food, Christ, myself, the Earth, strangers. I feel a transition of "letting go" opening up a new type of intelligence. Organization of thoughts through conversation, journaling, blogging, brings so much more depth to the initial idea. How great it is to learn, to share, and to observe.

I was almost unaware of the extent of growth I had accomplished over the last week and the emotional doors that I unlocked until I broke down this morning. It was a beautiful start to the day...snuggling in bed with Saylor, prayers, a cup of tea, perfect work-out at the gym, and then as I began my yoga poses I felt a wave of emotion come over me. I received a text from my husband mentioning our recent miscarriage. It has been more than a month since we lost what would have been our first baby together. It wasn't being reminded of the event that brought me to tears, it was the fact that I was ready to accept and face the pain...willingly. My heart was full and happy and content and I found the place where I could give my pain away. I broke down and sobbed for about a half an hour. I then dried my tears, had a glass of water and continued my day.

I can find peace and serenity in living according to God's will and time line. I have faith that he will lead me to brighter future. I am constantly learning and finding more understanding in the mysteries of this life, day by day.

Healthy Wednesday

So I have been very reluctent to post more about my struggle with weight loss. I feel like I jinx myself by talking about it aloud. However it's one of my top priorities right now so it's almost impossible not to bring it up. My body is going crazy! I have no control of my appetite. I do have control of my physical activity though. With no apparent exscuses to fall back on I have dragged my big butt to the gym as often as possible in the last month or so. I can feel my heart rate and endurance improving as I run. Mostly, I like to run. It makes me feel empowered. It makes me feel more connected to myself. I practice yoga at least once a week which ALWAYS centers me and motivates me to push myself. I would love to eventually be practicing everyday. Moving meditation is ideal for somebody as restless as me.

I even talked to my doctor who suggested the regular "lets check your thyroid" routine and challenged me to limit my calorie intake to 1,200 a day! For a compulsive over eater such as myself this is near impossible! I was able to go almost a week before going over my calories. Now I'm struggling once again to keep my head above water. I feel like my exercise is productive and I feel great during and after. I just cannot align my eating habits with the knowledge of what I know is BEST for me and the rest of my life style.

I admire the women around me that have sense of dicipline. I see all these families running marathons together and I just want to get through the day without binging. As for TODAY...I have not exceeded my intake as of 10:30am, I started my day with an at-home yoga practice, then walked to the gym where I swam for 45 minutes. This is the best I can do today. I can only take this issue ONE DAY AT A TIME. I cannot think about tomorrow or worry about yesterday. I do as much as I can and then ask God to do the rest.